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My mum died and i feel completely alone.

Bobbynogx
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My mum passed away this january after a diagnosis of GIST cancer in June 2020, She seemed absolutely fine and still so full of life right up until a month before she passed when she started to show signs of fatigue. It rapidly spiralled from that point, She went from a ridiculously intelligent and funny, confident woman, to losing most of her mobility and becoming extremely confused in the space of a few days, to the point of finding it hard to place me / remember her own name.
She had fleeting moments of lucidity which i cherish now, She was taken into hospital a fortnight before and called me after 6 days there crying , saying she cant bare the thought of me needing her and she cant be there.

due to covid restrictions i wasn't allowed to visit her until 2 days before her passing. By that point she was pretty much out of it aside from around 10 seconds where she looked at me and said i look like her daughter.

i sat with her, refusing to eat or sleep for 48 hours until her breathing slowed, and after hours of agitation and discomfort, she went.

That was the 28th of january and i only returned to work this week as i've been a mess. I have no brothers of sisters..No dad.
No children, and me and my partner split not long after.
Every post i see here people seem to have something that keeps them going, like children. And i am finding it ridiculously hard. I wouldn't be lying if i said i was suicidal. I have always struggled with depression and an eating disorder for the best part of 15 years (28 now) which i have relapsed with massively. She was my main support and absolute rock in any time of stress or upset and i cannot cope with the thought i'll never see her again.

We've always been close, just me and her, and the best of friends. our replationship was very special and noted by all who knew us. I feel like my soul left my body with hers and it hurts so much every day, i cry everytime i smell her on something or see something on tv she'd like, or if i talk about it too much.

I feel like a shell of the person i was really and i know the few friends i do have will probably end up at a loss when it comes to me because i'm so flaky and distant. I just dont want to "do life" if she isnt around, marriage, kids, all that stuff, i just do not want without her in the picture (not that i was fixed on those things anyway)

I just feel horrible and have a physical pain in my chest all day and getting through work is exhausting.

I dont know how the hell i can carry on like this i just want to join her honestly

 

Parents

  • Hi Bobby, 

    I just came across your post and wanted to offer you my most sincerest and heartfelt condolences for your loss.

    As many of our members will tell you, losing a parent is one of the most difficult things you'll go through in life and the grief that this brings can be very difficult to cope with. There is no right or wrong way to grieve and it will involve a whole host of thoughts and feelings, as you can see just here, but if you are getting to the point where you feel like everything is becoming too much and are contending with suicidal feelings, do reach out to your GP and let them know as they will want to do everything they can to support you at this time.

    One of the things your GP may suggest is grief counselling. Some of our members found this really helped them when they were struggling with their grief so if you'd like to find out more do have a look at Cruse Bereavement Support. Sue Ryder also offer bereavement support and both charities have online chat services which you can access here and here, but for those times of day and/or night when no-one is around and you really need to talk to someone, the Samaritans are available on 116 123. Their phone lines are open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and are always there to listen and support anyone who is having a difficult time.

    I can't begin to comprehend how painful it must be to lose that one person who was your rock, knowing that you can't see or speak to them again, but you are not alone, and I'm sure you will receive some support, comfort and advice from our community soon. 

    For now, be kind to yourself and allow yourself to feel the way you do. It will take time, and some days will be easier than others, but you will find a way through.

    Kind regards,

    Steph, Cancer Chat Moderator

Reply

  • Hi Bobby, 

    I just came across your post and wanted to offer you my most sincerest and heartfelt condolences for your loss.

    As many of our members will tell you, losing a parent is one of the most difficult things you'll go through in life and the grief that this brings can be very difficult to cope with. There is no right or wrong way to grieve and it will involve a whole host of thoughts and feelings, as you can see just here, but if you are getting to the point where you feel like everything is becoming too much and are contending with suicidal feelings, do reach out to your GP and let them know as they will want to do everything they can to support you at this time.

    One of the things your GP may suggest is grief counselling. Some of our members found this really helped them when they were struggling with their grief so if you'd like to find out more do have a look at Cruse Bereavement Support. Sue Ryder also offer bereavement support and both charities have online chat services which you can access here and here, but for those times of day and/or night when no-one is around and you really need to talk to someone, the Samaritans are available on 116 123. Their phone lines are open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and are always there to listen and support anyone who is having a difficult time.

    I can't begin to comprehend how painful it must be to lose that one person who was your rock, knowing that you can't see or speak to them again, but you are not alone, and I'm sure you will receive some support, comfort and advice from our community soon. 

    For now, be kind to yourself and allow yourself to feel the way you do. It will take time, and some days will be easier than others, but you will find a way through.

    Kind regards,

    Steph, Cancer Chat Moderator

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