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My mum died and i feel completely alone.

Bobbynogx
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My mum passed away this january after a diagnosis of GIST cancer in June 2020, She seemed absolutely fine and still so full of life right up until a month before she passed when she started to show signs of fatigue. It rapidly spiralled from that point, She went from a ridiculously intelligent and funny, confident woman, to losing most of her mobility and becoming extremely confused in the space of a few days, to the point of finding it hard to place me / remember her own name.
She had fleeting moments of lucidity which i cherish now, She was taken into hospital a fortnight before and called me after 6 days there crying , saying she cant bare the thought of me needing her and she cant be there.

due to covid restrictions i wasn't allowed to visit her until 2 days before her passing. By that point she was pretty much out of it aside from around 10 seconds where she looked at me and said i look like her daughter.

i sat with her, refusing to eat or sleep for 48 hours until her breathing slowed, and after hours of agitation and discomfort, she went.

That was the 28th of january and i only returned to work this week as i've been a mess. I have no brothers of sisters..No dad.
No children, and me and my partner split not long after.
Every post i see here people seem to have something that keeps them going, like children. And i am finding it ridiculously hard. I wouldn't be lying if i said i was suicidal. I have always struggled with depression and an eating disorder for the best part of 15 years (28 now) which i have relapsed with massively. She was my main support and absolute rock in any time of stress or upset and i cannot cope with the thought i'll never see her again.

We've always been close, just me and her, and the best of friends. our replationship was very special and noted by all who knew us. I feel like my soul left my body with hers and it hurts so much every day, i cry everytime i smell her on something or see something on tv she'd like, or if i talk about it too much.

I feel like a shell of the person i was really and i know the few friends i do have will probably end up at a loss when it comes to me because i'm so flaky and distant. I just dont want to "do life" if she isnt around, marriage, kids, all that stuff, i just do not want without her in the picture (not that i was fixed on those things anyway)

I just feel horrible and have a physical pain in my chest all day and getting through work is exhausting.

I dont know how the hell i can carry on like this i just want to join her honestly

 

  • Hi Bobby, 

    I just came across your post and wanted to offer you my most sincerest and heartfelt condolences for your loss.

    As many of our members will tell you, losing a parent is one of the most difficult things you'll go through in life and the grief that this brings can be very difficult to cope with. There is no right or wrong way to grieve and it will involve a whole host of thoughts and feelings, as you can see just here, but if you are getting to the point where you feel like everything is becoming too much and are contending with suicidal feelings, do reach out to your GP and let them know as they will want to do everything they can to support you at this time.

    One of the things your GP may suggest is grief counselling. Some of our members found this really helped them when they were struggling with their grief so if you'd like to find out more do have a look at Cruse Bereavement Support. Sue Ryder also offer bereavement support and both charities have online chat services which you can access here and here, but for those times of day and/or night when no-one is around and you really need to talk to someone, the Samaritans are available on 116 123. Their phone lines are open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and are always there to listen and support anyone who is having a difficult time.

    I can't begin to comprehend how painful it must be to lose that one person who was your rock, knowing that you can't see or speak to them again, but you are not alone, and I'm sure you will receive some support, comfort and advice from our community soon. 

    For now, be kind to yourself and allow yourself to feel the way you do. It will take time, and some days will be easier than others, but you will find a way through.

    Kind regards,

    Steph, Cancer Chat Moderator

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    Hello Bobby, first of all may I offer you my deepest condolences, and I truly do understand how you feel because I was once in your shoes.  I lived at home with my mum when she died of cancer and like you I was still quite young when I lost her.........it turned my whole world upside down.  I think that the advice that the Moderator Steph has given you is very good...........you desperately need to talk to someone Bobby.  I know a few people who had to have grief counselling and they told me that it definitely helped get them through it.  Friends may be sympathetic but they don't always know what to say or do, and that is understandable because they haven't walked in your shoes, but professional bereavement counsellors can definitely help you Bobby.  You might not believe this right now, but I promise you that you will get through this.........I am not going to lie to you..........you won't get over the loss of your Mum.........I don't believe that we ever truly get over losing someone we love, but we learn to live with it and there will come a time when you wll want to start living your life again.  That terrible pain you are feeling will ease, and it is still early days for you Bobby.  It has only been 5 months, but with some professional help you will get through this, please believe me.  Sending you love, Violet, xx

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    Hi Bobby,

    Firstly I wish to say how extremely sorry I am to read you lost your Mum this year and how you witnessed her decline and suffering until the last, I lost my Mum coming up 6 weeks ago and some of your descriptions of your Mum are so similar to my own story. I cried when I read your message last night, I cried for you and I cried for myself. We have similarities. I don't have children or any siblings (I have a half-sister - she always referred to me as 'half' who wasn't in contact for last 3 years of Mum's life and has been so support since her passing except to try and relieve herself of any guilt), My father and mother were divorced and my Dad has offered no emotional support, he doesn't even like to hear me cry, so I do understand when you say you have no-one to keep you going. I do have a partner although he hasn't always been reliable and so I do often feel 'alone' in this. I certainly think I would have 'coped' better had I been a Mother as my time would have been occupied with parental duties and care and obviusly that does help even if in a small way. My Mum was my best friend, sister, almost child (in later years) and Mum all rolled into one amazing person. We lived together for 8 years and 10 years prior to this we mostly lived and worked together in my business in Scotland before I returned to Devon to live again. Our whole daily routine were intertwined. Every day. Suddenly gone. I have lost my world and like you I honestly now am finding every day a complete struggle. I feel actual heart ache, pain. I know there is no easy path through this, no short cuts, no fast forward. We simply have to keep waking up, getting through the day and hope in time we may start to feel a little better and then a little better again, baby steps every way. How can we start to feel easier when we have only just lost the most important person in our life? I have tried to discuss this with my dad, he just simply does not understand which makes me so angry. My partner is trying to understand but no-one really knows how we feel except people that are going through or have gone through the same path we are now walking on.

    I also resonate with your words "I just want to join her honestly" because I also feel that. I always said to my Mum that if there were a doorway that we could walk through together and I knew it was leaving this world I would walk through it now with you Mum. My Mum wanted me to live my life in the best way I could for myself and for her when she was gone, she always stressed this to me. She told me to find the strength that she knew I had and continue to live life and find happiness in life. I'm holding on to those words and each day I am trying to keep going with the awful pain I am feeling. I am sure your Mum would also have wanted you to live the best life you can for yourself and her. That is what our wonderful Mums would have wanted, our happiness first and foremost. I am here anytime you need to talk and you can also send me a private message anytime. I can hand on my heart say to you I know what you feel because I am feeling the same. I have lost the person I want to share every day with, every trip to the beach or a garden I always wanted my Mum by my side and she always was. Mum is the first person I went to with any news of any kind, she was my advisor, confidante, voice of logic and reason, care and love. Now I only talk to her out loud with no reply and its heartbreaking. We travelled together, even the weekly trips into town for coffee, it was special because it was with her and we both said the same. I wear her perfume most days just to smell her. We were blessed to have had this fantastic relationship with our Mums because I am only too aware that so many people never get that chance.

    Jane

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    please reach out for help to some of the good suggestions in the replies.

    you are not alone.

    even though it may feel like it sometimes.

    just reading these forums shows how many of us there are suffering from losing loved ones.

    please speak to someone. 

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    hi Bobby

     

    im so sorry to hear your mother passed away from this horrible disease. i cant imagine the pain youre going through especially since you said you have no close family. Have you close friends? can you take some more time off work perhaps? have you tried counselling? 

     

    my mum died on 29th may and i think im just starting to realise shes gone its been 4 weeks today..i cant sleep at night but im exhausted all day. i have 2 girls and im 31 but my dad and sister and i fell out during mums last few weeks and planning her funeral..its awful to think about life without mum as you said, life events like marriage etc are really hard to think about as it isnt how you wanted. 

     

    i hope you gain strength, your mother would not want you to give up..think of the strength she had amd the love she has for you..her spirit is with you..she loves you so so much

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