Mum passed away sunday 29th may. Its been almost a week and i dont feel anything. I just feel extremely tired, i havent gone home yet and dont feel ready to face reality. How do i make myself believe shes gone?
I'm so sorry for the loss of your Mum. It's the most painful, experience and having lost my Mum in December, I can imagine how you are feeling right now. Has your Mums funeral taken place yet?
The numbness is really really hard to deal with, and to be honest I still get periods of that now, 5 months after my Mum passed. The disbelief can be so overwhelming but our brains are trying to protect us as it's just too much to deal with on top of the trauma that we've gone through.
From reading your other posts you were there for your Mum throughout her illness so you'll be exhausted. You'll just have been going through the motions the last few months, running on adrenaline so give yourself time to physically recover - because all the stress and worry you'll have been feeling will have been getting carried in your body.
Your emotions will come in time Hannah, it's still such early days for you. You'll be in shock. When they do come, which might take a long time or it might be tomorrow - they might be all over the place - but that's all ok and totally normal. Everyone's experience of grief is different. I know for me, one minute I'm ok next I'm crying or filled with so much anger and it's exhausting!
Give yourself time and space, do what you feel like doing and don't force yourself. Be kind to yourself and give yourself time to recover. it sounds daft but I've honestly found baths to be so soothing and have probably never had so many in life!! Try and find the little things that make your suffering a little bit more bearable when you have the energy. Take care
Hello Hannah. You feel numb because you are in shock. You have probably been on auto-pilot whilst caring for your mum, and it can take a while for the reality to hit you. I nursed my mum when she was dying of cancer and for a very long time, it didn't seem real. I remember I was at work one day, 6 months after my mum had died, and I decided to phone her........and then it dawned on me that she wasn't here any more.
It was quite a few years before I was even able to cry over her. Grief is a strange thing Hannah. It affects everyone in a different way. It took a friend of mine nearly 20 years before he was able to cry over the death of his baby sister. You must be exhausted, so get plenty of rest, and do things that make you feel relaxed. I personally find that being near nature rejuventates me......going for walks near rivers and walking through parks and woodlands. Your mind and body is traumatised and you need to care for yourself and start recovering. Eventually the reality of losing your mum will come. Take care Hannah, and once again, so sorry for your loss, Violet, xx
my mum too passes away on the 27th May. I miss her so much already and it's sad but also gives me closures knowing that the last day I will physically see again her will be at the funeral and it will hit a lot harder.
It's totally normal feeling numb and it comes in waves and goes.
I lost my mum the same day as you and found your post after searching for answers to how I'm feeling (or not feeling!)
I don't know about you, but throughout my mums illness I have really struggled to tell people about poinient milestones and to talk generally about it all with anyone except my husband. As a family our coping mechanism was to carry on as usual, especially as my parents lived abroad for a period of time a few years ago and most recently have lived about 200 miles away from me and my sister (who lives another 200 miles away from me!).
So whilst we spoke often on Facetime and we visited during school holidays, I haven't had frequent face to face contact with my family for around 15 years. My sister and I decided not to visit in mums last days partly due to covid restrictions at the hospice but also as we didn't want to see her as she had become. My dad fully supported our decision.
Throughout her whole illness and subsequent death I have felt like I've been on the loneliest roller coaster and the only way I can describe it to other people is to say "when I'm OK, I'm OK and when I'm not, I'm not". I feel now like a continuation of how I've been feeling the last year or 18 months in particular.. Nothing feels like it's changed. Even my sister and dad seem 'normal' when we speak, as if life has just carried out, albeit without mum. And that makes me wonder, or come to the conclusion that I have been grieving for some time, already in anticipation of this. We haven't had the funeral yet and I am extremely phobic of funerals as get too upset and hate it but it's something I have to face. I'm sure visiting my dad will also bring up emotions as will mean visiting their house without my mum being there. But I don't show my emotions so will struggle to hold it together, but feel I have to else I will break. My children have decided not to go which I consent and actually totally agree with their rationale as I feel the same (why do I need to go to a funeral to say 'goodbye' when I just want to remember the good memories?).
Maybe I'm avoiding the grief as it'll feel all consuming. All I know is that Ive always hated roller coasters so will be more than ready and relieved if and when I get to get off this emotional one.
Sending you love... Loss can feel like such a lonely time x
Thank you for your message. I am so sorry to hear about your mums death.
Mums funeral is on the 13th of june so 1 week away, i thought it was plenty of time but it still hasnt registered shes gone. i have two young daughters too and its half term so i have to keep them busy and keep some sort of 'normality' for them.
I am debating going to see her in the funeral home to try to process this but i am frightened of what she may look like..i feel like if i dont i may regret it.
I am going to take my time and perhaps go for some counselling to try to talk about all my feelings around the way she died and the fact ill never see her again.
Im sorry to hear about your mum passing away, isnt it strange how the day our lives changed forever is shared?
I agree with what youre saying about grieving prior to her death, im not sure about your mum but i know each day a little bit of mum went away as she grew weaker and faded. I am a talker myself but i know a lot of people like yourself and your family who may not be comfortable sharing. My dad doesnt talk much about it all but i find talking about it helps. Strangely enough sometimes i doubt decisions that were made and have to read over distressing messages i sent at the time to reassure myself the syringe driver was the right choice.
Its been 1 week without our mums, when 10.15am hit today it was a strange feeling. Even the little things like her last seen on whatsapp changed to 29 may rather then saying sunday felt like a shock. It almost feels like im watching myself do things and live rather then feeling anything. I know i will look back and not even remember each day this week.
When is your mums funeral? How are you feeling and how is dad coping?
Im sorry to hear about your mum but after reading your journey she was bedbound like my mum which was horrible to witness. Did you manage to make amends with your family? Are they being supportive? You were amazing coping with everything and making hard decisions. Trust that you made the right ones. Your mum would be so proud of you
Thanks for your response. Im sorry to hear about your mum. It is strange..i cried so much in the weeks running up to her death watching her i feel burnt out. I am going to take alot of time out for self care and reflection, and perhaps invest in some counselling to try to unravel everything. I will also try walks alone in the park and maybe exercise.
I feel sad when i see my friends with their mums because you realise your mun was the only person you could always rely on and shes gone.
I might go and see her body to try and process this.
On top of that i am requesting all her medical records, i have a lot of unanswered questions and i need to make sense of what happened to her.
Hi Hannah, thanks for your message. Hope your day was alright in the end xx
Gosh, even the timings were similar as my mum passed away around 10.30am.
I've been reflecting in your comment about being a talker... It's strange as I am a massive talker too but this subject I have always found hard to open up about how I'm feeling. I think it might be symptomatic of me being flippant in general in conversations to cover how I'm really feeling about loads of difficult subjects.
My dad has taken over using my mums phone so it was strange changing the name from Mum to Dad and facetime still comes up woth her name... But that's ok as I don't want to erase her! Dad is registering her death tomorrow so funeral likely the week after...who knew churches were so busy to fit everyone in!!!!
