Mum passed away sunday 29th may. Its been almost a week and i dont feel anything. I just feel extremely tired, i havent gone home yet and dont feel ready to face reality. How do i make myself believe shes gone?
I lost my mum the same day as you and found your post after searching for answers to how I'm feeling (or not feeling!)
I don't know about you, but throughout my mums illness I have really struggled to tell people about poinient milestones and to talk generally about it all with anyone except my husband. As a family our coping mechanism was to carry on as usual, especially as my parents lived abroad for a period of time a few years ago and most recently have lived about 200 miles away from me and my sister (who lives another 200 miles away from me!).
So whilst we spoke often on Facetime and we visited during school holidays, I haven't had frequent face to face contact with my family for around 15 years. My sister and I decided not to visit in mums last days partly due to covid restrictions at the hospice but also as we didn't want to see her as she had become. My dad fully supported our decision.
Throughout her whole illness and subsequent death I have felt like I've been on the loneliest roller coaster and the only way I can describe it to other people is to say "when I'm OK, I'm OK and when I'm not, I'm not". I feel now like a continuation of how I've been feeling the last year or 18 months in particular.. Nothing feels like it's changed. Even my sister and dad seem 'normal' when we speak, as if life has just carried out, albeit without mum. And that makes me wonder, or come to the conclusion that I have been grieving for some time, already in anticipation of this. We haven't had the funeral yet and I am extremely phobic of funerals as get too upset and hate it but it's something I have to face. I'm sure visiting my dad will also bring up emotions as will mean visiting their house without my mum being there. But I don't show my emotions so will struggle to hold it together, but feel I have to else I will break. My children have decided not to go which I consent and actually totally agree with their rationale as I feel the same (why do I need to go to a funeral to say 'goodbye' when I just want to remember the good memories?).
Maybe I'm avoiding the grief as it'll feel all consuming. All I know is that Ive always hated roller coasters so will be more than ready and relieved if and when I get to get off this emotional one.
Sending you love... Loss can feel like such a lonely time x
I lost my mum the same day as you and found your post after searching for answers to how I'm feeling (or not feeling!)
I don't know about you, but throughout my mums illness I have really struggled to tell people about poinient milestones and to talk generally about it all with anyone except my husband. As a family our coping mechanism was to carry on as usual, especially as my parents lived abroad for a period of time a few years ago and most recently have lived about 200 miles away from me and my sister (who lives another 200 miles away from me!).
So whilst we spoke often on Facetime and we visited during school holidays, I haven't had frequent face to face contact with my family for around 15 years. My sister and I decided not to visit in mums last days partly due to covid restrictions at the hospice but also as we didn't want to see her as she had become. My dad fully supported our decision.
Throughout her whole illness and subsequent death I have felt like I've been on the loneliest roller coaster and the only way I can describe it to other people is to say "when I'm OK, I'm OK and when I'm not, I'm not". I feel now like a continuation of how I've been feeling the last year or 18 months in particular.. Nothing feels like it's changed. Even my sister and dad seem 'normal' when we speak, as if life has just carried out, albeit without mum. And that makes me wonder, or come to the conclusion that I have been grieving for some time, already in anticipation of this. We haven't had the funeral yet and I am extremely phobic of funerals as get too upset and hate it but it's something I have to face. I'm sure visiting my dad will also bring up emotions as will mean visiting their house without my mum being there. But I don't show my emotions so will struggle to hold it together, but feel I have to else I will break. My children have decided not to go which I consent and actually totally agree with their rationale as I feel the same (why do I need to go to a funeral to say 'goodbye' when I just want to remember the good memories?).
Maybe I'm avoiding the grief as it'll feel all consuming. All I know is that Ive always hated roller coasters so will be more than ready and relieved if and when I get to get off this emotional one.
Sending you love... Loss can feel like such a lonely time x
Im sorry to hear about your mum passing away, isnt it strange how the day our lives changed forever is shared?
I agree with what youre saying about grieving prior to her death, im not sure about your mum but i know each day a little bit of mum went away as she grew weaker and faded. I am a talker myself but i know a lot of people like yourself and your family who may not be comfortable sharing. My dad doesnt talk much about it all but i find talking about it helps. Strangely enough sometimes i doubt decisions that were made and have to read over distressing messages i sent at the time to reassure myself the syringe driver was the right choice.
Its been 1 week without our mums, when 10.15am hit today it was a strange feeling. Even the little things like her last seen on whatsapp changed to 29 may rather then saying sunday felt like a shock. It almost feels like im watching myself do things and live rather then feeling anything. I know i will look back and not even remember each day this week.
When is your mums funeral? How are you feeling and how is dad coping?
Hi Hannah, thanks for your message. Hope your day was alright in the end xx
Gosh, even the timings were similar as my mum passed away around 10.30am.
I've been reflecting in your comment about being a talker... It's strange as I am a massive talker too but this subject I have always found hard to open up about how I'm feeling. I think it might be symptomatic of me being flippant in general in conversations to cover how I'm really feeling about loads of difficult subjects.
My dad has taken over using my mums phone so it was strange changing the name from Mum to Dad and facetime still comes up woth her name... But that's ok as I don't want to erase her! Dad is registering her death tomorrow so funeral likely the week after...who knew churches were so busy to fit everyone in!!!!
That is very strange she passed away just 15 minutes later. My dad is also registering mums death today. Are you going to see your mum in the funeral home beforehand?
Wow, what coincidences! No, I'd rather not. Very much wanting to remember her before all this as cancer totally robbed us of her in the end and I don't want to think of her that way.
That said, I know a lot of people find solace in going so I think doing whatever feels right for you is the right decision xx
