Hi Andrew, 

I noticed you haven't had a reply to your post just yet so I just wanted to offer you a very warm welcome to our forum, as well as my sincerest and heartfelt condolences for your loss. 

Losing a parent is one of the most painful experiences a person will go through in their lifetime and can make us question our place in the world, but you are not alone and I'm sure some of our members who have, sadly, also been on this journey will be along soon to offer you their support and advice.

Grief is very personal and as such there is no right or wrong way to grieve but if you feel like you're really struggling at the moment, do be sure to reach out to your GP for support and to discuss your concerns about your brother.

Charities such as Cruse and Sue Ryder offer bereavement support to anyone who has experienced loss so if you feel this is something you may want to look in to, do be sure to get in touch with them as their support and guidance may prove invaluable at this time.

If you can, try to take things a day at a time and be kind to yourself. You've been so strong and done so much for your mam and the rest of your family but now is the time to put yourself first and give yourself some much deserved TLC.

Sending much strength and a big virtual hug your way Andrew. I know it won't seem like it right now, but you will find a way through this.

Kind regards,

Steph, Cancer Chat Moderator

Hello Andrew, first of all may I offer my condolences for the loss of your Mother.  I know what you are going through because I also lost my mum to cancer, and to lose our mother is one of the most painful things we will ever go through.  I agree with you that it is more than loss and grief.......it is heartbreak.  Andrew, have you considered grief counselling?  Your Doctor could arrange it for you if you explain how terrible you are feeling.  I know people who have had this type of counselling after losing a loved one and they told me it really does help.  Andrew, what I can tell you is this:  Eventualy, you will come through this nightmare.  You will never completely get over the loss of youyr mum..........but you will somehow learn to start living again, and you know what Andrew?  One day you will be able to think of your mum and smile at all of the wonderful memories you have of her, instead of feeling that ghastly, raw pain that you are feeling right now.  Good luck mate, sending you healing and hugs, xx

Hi Andrew,

Deeply sorry to read your post of the loss of your wonderful Mum and everything that you had to go through seeing her decline, I can sympathise with this because some of what you described was so similar to my experiences with my own Mum whom I was a full time carer for in the last couple of years of her life. I too am in a state of just existing right now and in actual heartbreak so I understand your utter loss and pain.

The more I am studying grief (which I seem to have an obsession about at the moment rightly or wrongly) it speaks plainly - the grief almost replaces the form of love we had for the person. If we loved them devotedly and wholeheartedly then the grief is going to represent that. How can we avoid it? I can't. There is no easy path through losing your world. We owe it to them and their love for us and for ourselves to keeping walking on that path, step by step, day by day, and some days we will be worse than others. I can see the loss of my Mum is going to be with me all my life, and I will never stop grieving for her but I do hope in time that there will be moments of joy, happiness, lightness amongst everything else. Mum would want me to make a good life and I have to try but right now I am consumed with unhappiness. So I take it daily and thats all I think we can do. 

I don't have children (sadly) or siblings so my support network is very small. My health is also not great, last year I had an inner ear infection which has left me with at times severe symptoms of vertigo which is debilitating, since Mum's passing it has got worse so I can understand that bad health certainly does not help in these situations. What I do find is if I can get outside for a short walk or just sitting in the garden, looking at plants and flowers which my Mum loved I feel a bit better, nature is good for us.

We are here if you need to talk, its good that you have reached out because we understand. 

Jane

Hi Andrew, I say this with love and I hope you find strength and hope for the future which I am sure you will. 

But what I am going to say is that you haven't got long yourself in the great scheme of things, I am a similar age to you (50) and I probably have another 30 years left and I won't be here. The facts are that none of us have massively long - mum will want you to live your life and what you have left as happy and as successfully as possible - what she won't want is for your to be grieving for her for years - my mum's last words to me were that - when she left us that we were to be happy. I don't know what your mum's last wishes for you were but I think it is important to take note what mum wanted for you and to honour her wishes and her life.

My mum lost her parents 5000 miles away from her home country, if I remember she had to go to work, look after her family etc and she went on to have happy times and memorable moments until her turn came to leave this mortal coil - she found happiness and good times after she lost her parents so she would understand that is how you're meant to live your life - your mum lost her parents and grieved for them but I am sure she didn't grieve for them eternally, of course, you will always remember them and they are a part of you. My mum's passing has changed my life forever and there will always be an important part of me missing but to carry on dreaming and investing in your life is what my mum would have wanted.

Your mum spent nine months carrying you and I am sure she still wants great things for you and your siblings. I am sure she now wants you to live and breathe and to love and to do great things with your life because when all is said and done, you are more than halfway through your life and you haven't got long left before you leave this earth, you need to make every day count. 

Hi Andrew I'm so sorry to hear your post and so sorry for your loss. My mum too died of lung cancer and she too meant the world to me. I had my own place just 10 minutes from her in London and yet spent all my time with her as she was my world. My mum was displaying memory problems to begin with which she refused to have investigated and when I raised concern with GP he could not get involved as my mum declined consent.  I might also add she was a bit of home drinker  though in denial  as would say its just to help me sleep which as newly retired from a very hectic job sort of made sense .At best he would write to her asking for routine bloods to be done and mum in her wisdom would have them done after stooping drinking for 4 weeks (so was cute in that respect) Any ways concerns over her actions negated me to give up my job (with no regrets) and be more proactive with investigations.  As an x Social Worker I was sort of on board that mum had Mild Dementia so when result came through it was sad but sort of relief and I settled into being her carer. Alas some months on she had a bad attack of shingles that was really bad and GP wanted chest x rays and alas stage 4 lung cancer my mum dies 6 months later . Mum had given instruction to her GP for non disclosure prior to diagnosis of Dementia so it was very guarded and smoke an mirrors with absolute prognosis but it all boded bad and incidences made sense. Like you I have two siblings but I was closest to my mum and things have become soured. Now  mums affairs are settled and I am blessed that unlike your poor mum my mum died peacefully and aware of her passing and acknowledged my prescence and was pain free most of her final months and at home where she wanted to be. TWO years on I still feel empty my self esteem and confidence is rock bottom . I have a partner yet still feel lonely now living in Hampshire. I spend all my time thinking how happy i felt when mum was well and alive and never felt lonely . She was so active and like your mum looked and acted alot younger indeed she had a social life that put mine to shame. I know no one will knock on my door to ignite more of a social life or try to meet new people and its down to me but its so hard. everything seems to be virtual reality support or long waiting lists for grief counselling so you feel stuck in a vacuum . Support groups are fine but they really dont give you human interaction and tahts were system fails. Even trying to do a sting of volunteer work at CAB envoked web chat on line solutions as people did not want to come in so that defeated my objective. I could re register as a social worker but having worked with elderly where you could not even provide the level of care required (due to budget and costantly validating need as if they were your actual parent) my heart is not in it. If I could of taken this bullet for my mum I would of I just want you to know your not alone and perhaps as a male you ve given me inner strength of how grief can affect us males and wear our hearts on our sleeves. If ever you want to message me please do I coukd do with some like minded friends as it is a bloomin hard journey  Love and light Davidr