Hello everyone. My mam (75) had been complaining from July 2021 of pain in her arm, shoulder blade and sensitivity under her arm pit. After seeing 2 doctors they passed it as arthritis and sent her on her way with painkillers. The pains worsened and dad wanted another opinion and Mam was seen again September/October where this new doctor wanted her to have an x-ray as there had also been a few abnormalities in her blood results. She was x-rayed and a mass was seen right at the apex of her right lung. She was sent for a further scan which was confirmed to be a 6.8cm tumor. 

The Dr went through options and risks but Mam refused any treatment whatsoever. Dad was with her and was devastated. Mam had had a few operations over the years for various reasons and 12 years ago was also diagnosed with Crohn's disease.

Her health and her activity though up to the pains was like she was 50 not 75! When she got home I went straight to their home and Dad was pulling off the driveway with tears and red eyes. I knew instantly. I went inside and Mam just said hello sweetheart, sit down, so I did right beside her and she just said I've got cancer and I'm dying but I want no tears, just love. I'm not having any treatment which is my choice and I want everyone to respect that. I didn't cry (until I got home) but felt my world ending there and then in that exact moment in time. I'm the youngest of 3 at 48 my sister is 56 and brother 57. 

Mam and Dad, if they've ever needed anything doing, had always relied on me and I've always been more than happy to help them in every way needed. Living only around the corner from them, I was always there whenever the opportunity arose. 

Anyway after Mam's diagnosis, I was there from 8am to 11-11:30pm every day when mam finally went up to bed on 2nd January, never to come downstairs again. Christmas day was absolutely horrid but I still felt blessed she was with us. She hardly touched Christmas dinner Dad had made (Mam did it every year prior to this) and early afternoon, went off to bed for a few hours so we left and went home. 

I have my own disabilities and had all the time in the world so I cared for Mam from beginning of January to 26th February where she passed away at 7:20am I'd laid next to her all night so Dad could get some rest and we knew her time was coming. She stopped eating altogether for over 4 weeks and just drank fluids, her pain was so bad she had completely lost function in her right arm and hand due to the cancer invading nerves and her ribs, she lost 3 1/2 stone in 3 months and 2 days before she passed she was haemorrhaging from her rectum a lot! 

She became very restless in the last few days and could no longer swallow her opiods (oxycodone and oxycontin) which she'd been on 80mg controlled release and 90mg of quick release in total as the pain was unbearable for her. A few weeks before, I'd given her her last ever bath, washed her hair, dried it, brushed it her, I would change her pads several times per day because she became so weak she couldn't even use a commode!

Anyway the morning of her passing, she had been on a syringe driver with automatic pain relief and sedatives and about 6:30-6:40am that morning I opened the blinds, told her what a beautiful morning it was and told her not to fight anything as we are all ok with her passing over and that we would all look out for each other and that she needn't hold on. That moment her long deep breathing she'd been doing all night slowed in an instant and I sat telling her just how much I love her and that I'll see her soon. I was holding her hand, touching her face gently and was just going to get Dad but he walked in with a coffee for me and I explained what had been happening. He looked at her, leaned forward and said "give me a kiss darling" and she heard him and pouted her lips which had been open all night. 

Dad kissed her, told her how much he loved her and within a few minutes she took her last breath.

Since that moment, I've been left to take care of literally everything, no input from my other siblings, I made phone calls, arranged funeral, everything you name it. My brother is drinking heavily all the time, he's suffered from depression for years and I fear he may do something stupid. 

I'm struggling massively, Mam really was my entire life, she was the most beautiful soul in the world and boy I miss her, I'm crying every single day, I visit her grave hours every day without fail, I smell her, I play her favorite songs etc.

But it's getting harder and most days I feel I can't breathe. I feel the need often to drive away from everything and never return. I'm an absolute mess. My brother is worrying me to almost the point of death. I feel as though our family has just fallen apart, our rock has gone, our foundation of our family and I don't know what to anymore.

This isn't just grief or loss, this is actual heartbreak that I genuinely see no way out from.