Cancer Research UK main site

First Christmas without my mum, finding it overwhelming

Sunshine561
Offline

Hey all

I just wanted to say I've found this forum such a help in what has been an incredibly difficult time with my mum passing away quite suddenly after a short diagnosis of cancer in march.

While some days I am finding a little bit easier than others, I'm finding the Christmas period really difficult. It will be the first one in my 30 years of being on the planet, without her. 

The biggest thing I am finding difficult is just not being able to understand other people. Everything they say is wrong and I find myself just not replying. We have decided to go away to a different part of the country to just not do the same thing as we usually do as we would find that difficult but I am often asked 'are you excited about your trip' and 'what a lovely trip, I'm sure you will have a wonderful time'. Sorry, my mum passed away and you're treating this I'm going on a holiday? I just wanted t see if anyone else has experienced this at all? I just feel like I am constantly withdrawing from people as they just don't get it and is just making me feel so isolated which just then makes me feel like I miss my mum even more :(

If anyone has any advice, I'd be so grateful. x

 

 

  • Hello Sunshine561

    I'm sorry to hear that you lost your Mum earlier this year. How you've described feeling in your post is very natural and a part of the grieving process. Events such as Christmas, birthdays, and anniversaries can bring up a whole range of feelings and thoughts, and whilst things are very fresh for you, others may speak without thinking. Whilst it's not necessarily done with any ill intent, it's natural that you feel you don't want to engage with others who don't understand. 

    I hope that some of our members who are also facing Christmas without a loved one will post to share their experiences. You may also want to have a little look at this article on the Cruse website about coping with grief at Christmas. 

    In the meantime, be kind to yourself Sunshine561. Take things a day at a time and allow yourself to do and feel what you need to over the coming weeks. 

    Thinking of you at this difficult time. 

    Best wishes, 
    Jenn
    Cancer Chat moderator 

  • Offline

    Hiya sunshine sorry about your mum I lost my husband 1year ago ands it’s hard but do whatever gets you through john died November 11th 2020 first Xmas went in a blur we were married 44years but I have wonderful children but take of yourself take things day by day lv mossie x

  • Offline

    Hey. I'm sorry to hear you lost your mum. I lost mine in Sept and I feel your pain. I'm 48 and it will be the first one I haven't spent with her.

    I think it's a great idea to go away. If we didn't have 2 dogs and 2 cats, we would have gone as well.

    People don't mean to say the wrong thing l, I guess there isn't a right one to say.

    I am just going to take a deep breath and try and get through a day at a time.

    Just keep talking x

  • Offline

    Hello

    I am also feeling the same.  Im 46 and lost my Mum in September so will be having my first Christmas without her.  Last year we were separated because of Covid but this is a whole new ballgame.

    The build up to Christmas has been endless, emotional, overwhelming and a struggle.  I worry about how I'm going to handle it, although she did say to us that we need to carry on, we should do Christmas and be strong.  It's not that easy though, but I carry those words with me and will do my best to make her proud.

    Im also learning that some friends have been distant and, while I feel a bit disappointed that they haven't really checked in to see how I'm doing, I guess that unless you've been through this you never really know what is the right or wrong thing to say.  Some people may not want to address your loss and don't mention it in fear of upsetting you.  I haven't reached out to them, I've not distanced myself from them, I'll just wait until they or I feel like making contact.  I find that those people who have been through this generally have handled it better with me and don't avoid the subject - I think that's a common thing though.

    The best advice I've been given is to be kind to myself.  Don't put too much pressure on myself to be one way or another over Christmas.  Just go with it, remember our lost loved ones but try to remember happy times to try and help us through. 
     

    Xxx

Speak to a nurse

Quick links

Follow us

Registered with Fundraising Regulator (logo)
Cancer Research UK is a registered charity in England and Wales (1089464), Scotland (SC041666), the Isle of Man (1103) and Jersey (247). A company limited by guarantee. Registered company in England and Wales (4325234) and the Isle of Man (5713F). Registered address: 2 Redman Place, London, E20 1JQ.