Thank you for your reply, Billy, much appreciated. I'm really sorry to hear about your condition, and having to care about your wife as well.

He's stage 1 myeloma, completely mobile apart from being banned from lifting anything heavy, undergoing chemo which so far he's coped with really well with. He's in his late 40s and we're both still working full-time from home.

I don't know, I've given up everything to care for him. I'm shielding, I get absolutely no support from his family (nobody has even visited yet), everything is my responsibility and mine only. 

It couldn't be more obvious that I'm having a burnout, I have been vocal about it but he doesn't - or anybody else - seem to care. I'm expected to go on and on and on until I drop.

Hi you definitely want to put your foot down and get him to do some of the house things so you can have an easier time, and definitely don't do anything if he invites his mates around without talking to you first,. tell him about it first and if he ignores it, just leave him to it.

Im fairly sure alot of people will agree with me, I'll send a call to [@Chris S]‍  see what she thinks.

You don't want to make yourself ill if he's not going to help you, maybe go out somewhere and do a bit of shopping for yourself, let him manage on his own,if he moans just ignore him or go out again till he learns that your not a slave and he needs to do things himself,as you say hes mobile just no heavy lifting still leaves plenty of things he can do.

Take care keep positive.

Billy

Hi there ...

Cancer may be ( if his personality has changed ) the cause... it is NOT an excuse to use you like a dish rag ... sorry bout wording but that is what it looks like ... if he's well enough to invite people for meals ... he's well enough to cook for them ... or like our Billy says .. order out ... 

You need to start putting your self first ... yes Billy is doing everything for his Mrs but she has many health issues ... so start treating him like the baby he's being and refuse to do everything ... take yourself off ... do something you like ...

I had a grade 3 cancer and never expected anyone to do what your doing ... yes he problem needs help.. but then he should help you on good days ... and stop inviting people round ... good luck ... Chrissie x

Thank you, Chrissie.

There were hints in the past but it's gone really downhill in the past couple of weeks. At first I thought it was the steroids (which he takes twice a week), but now it's become out of order. He even claimed I'm never around - all shopping is done online, I just go to the corner shop once a day for the whole of 15 minutes to pick up small groceries, meet in the communal garden with a neighbour once every 2-3 weeks for a chat and maybe receive 3 long phonecalls from friends every month. I've cancelled all work in person meetings, all travel and haven't even been out for a coffee or a walk, I only do the groceries and go with him to hospital, that's my life. 

I don't have a problem with having visitors, in fact I encourage it! But not without checking with me first, since I'm in total burnout and I'm expected to do all the shopping and cooking and everything involved.

Hi ...

Well think you need to stop letting him control you ... it sounds like the classic control mode that people go into ... where you go ... how long .. everything ...

Only you can change this, only you can put a stop and say no more ... if he wants you to stop there and keep caring ... then he starts by giving you the space to be you too .. it won't stop, it only gets harder the more you comply ... but it's your life ... you know how much of this you can take ... my heart goes out to you, but for him to be controlling, he needs you to keep doing what he says ...

I'm so sorry,  I know how hard cancer is, but it does not give anyone the right to be crule ... there's places you can reach out to, on line ... I'm only me, no training ...so now you need to follow your heart and gut feeling ... Chrissie x

I think Chrissie said it all he's got to realise that you have things you want to do, not just be there for him every second,. Get him cleaning up, dusting and things sorting clothes for washing machine, even bedding, maybe cooking so you can relax or go out for longer, let him sort things,tell him what needs doing before you go.

As Chrissie said I do most things for my wife only because she can't do it herself. Sometimes she tries to do something and makes a mess of it but I praise her for trying.

He needs to do things wether he wants to or not. I think you have say no to him and you can do it more often.

Take care keep positive, get out more.

Billy

Thank you, [@Billygoatt]‍ and [@Chriss]‍ I needed to hear that.

I felt I was being 'stretched' a bit too much and thought that maybe I was being somehow unsympathetic, you've taken me back to reality. I'm very grateful to you both for that. Not like I'm in the best place either, I have my own health issues (I need shoulder surgery which is now not going to happen until he's in recession, and early arthritis).

He's now disengaged with me but I'm not going to be part of this passive/aggressive game. No chance for any meaningful conversation any time soon as he's on steroids for the next couple of days. I'm now being punished for setting boundaries, his choice. If he wants to relinquish his commitment as a partner, fine. 

Thank you both again for all your help. x