Hello to anyone who’s listening.
I’m Liz and in April last year, when our second child was just 4 months old, my fit, slim, healthy husband was diagnosed with terminal cancer. It’s a rare form of pancreatic cancer called pancreatic neuroendocrine carcinoma. It’s stage 4 and aggressive.
Hes had 1st line chemo and this Monday he started on second line chemo. After that there’s nothing else they can do. Surgery has never been an option.
Hes currently laid up in bed as the chemo has wiped him out and I’m trying to work from home but my levels of stress and anxiety are so high I find it difficult to function, yet I know I must stay as strong as possible for myself, my husband and two young children. We are lucky that we have lots of support available though with my and Will’s parents, friends and other relatives and in the meantime the only thing I know how to do is to continue normally. We are also both seeing a therapist individually to help us.
Anyway I think everything has finally hit me this past few weeks as he’s deteriorating in terms of now being in significant pain and he can no longer lift or carry our children (neither can walk yet).
I’m finally reaching out as I’m feeling so overwhelmed at times that I feel like I’m losing my mind. I’m also struggling with insomnia and paranoia (I keep thinking that Will’s parents think I’m no good/selfish/whatever - I have an anxiety disorder by the way and am on the maximum dose of antidepressants. I’m terrified of wasting the time I have left with him due to focussing on such stupid thoughts, but I can’t get them out of my mind! I’m also terrified that once he’s gone I’ll punish myself by self-harming or end up being sectioned and losing our kids.
I also feel so utterly terrible for him. When we met he said he didn’t just want kids, but that he looked forward to being a grandfather too. This will never be. He won’t even see his kids start school. This tears me apart even though I’m the one who’ll keep on living. We thought we’d spend the rest of our lives together and we won’t. I can’t get my head around this at all but at the same time can’t stop thinking about it. Not sure how I’m going to survive this to be honest.
Many kind words/peer support/similar experiences greatly appreciated, and if I can in return support any of you guys it would be an honour.
Thank you x
