Cancer Research UK main site

Dad has only days/weeks to live, do I tell Mum?

FIBEEHALL
Offline

My dad has stage 4 kidney cancer, which has spread to his lungs and most likely other places.

He's clearly gravely ill, so I asked the doctor in private how long he's likely to have left. He said its not days, but its not weeks either.

I've shared this with my siblings but I can't bear to tell my Mum. She's in denial and I'm not sure how she'll cope.

On one hand I think she has a right to know, but on the other I think she may cope better if she comes to that conclusion over a few days as she sits by his bedside.

My dad can hardly speak anymore so it's not as if she can have certain conversations with him anymore (arrangements etc.) But maybe she's not saying certain things to him because she's still hoping against hope that he'll get better.

Its so hard coping with my feelings but I feel being responsible for this decision is just too much on top.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

  • Offline

    Hello Fibeehall, us Mum's tend to be aware of a lot more than we're given credit for.  My husband has stage 4 lung cancer and we never discuss funeral arrangements etc. your Mum and Dad have their own coping mechanisms and have probably been the same way through their marriage, sometimes we don't need the obvious stating out loud.  Just be there to support in the way she wants to cope, It sounds like you have a lot of common sense in your nature and that will be a good thing for your Mum when she needs help.  It's all so traumatic and no one knows how anyone else copes with this.  Follow Mum's lead and don't push the obvious on her, she still has her husband and wants to be strong for him.. Different generations deal with death in different ways.  My thoughts are with you in this hard time for all of you.  Carol. X

  • Offline

    Hey, 

    I don’t think you need to feel responsible for your Mum, I understand the feelings as I am the same with my Mum right now, but maybe if she had wanted to know she would have asked privately herself? Maybe she already knows, but is protecting you?

    Dont burden yourself with this worry, she will see how un well he is and know in her heart xx 

  • Offline

    Hi there, how very sad for you all. I agree with Carol and sunshine 1987.

    Your mum does have a right to know IF she asks.The doctor you spoke to knew roughly what may happen, but they didn't volunteer the information, you asked. Some people feel they can cope better being told, while others don't want to hear the words. I doubt any of us really knows what we'd do unless we were in that situation.

    Take care, gamechanger

Speak to a nurse

Quick links

Follow us

Registered with Fundraising Regulator (logo)
Cancer Research UK is a registered charity in England and Wales (1089464), Scotland (SC041666), the Isle of Man (1103) and Jersey (247). A company limited by guarantee. Registered company in England and Wales (4325234) and the Isle of Man (5713F). Registered address: 2 Redman Place, London, E20 1JQ.