Hi Desidiva,

All you can do is to let him know that you are there for him. We all react differently to a diagnosis like this and, it can take some people quite a time to take it all in. If he has been undergoing radiotherapy, he may be feeling pretty tired with all the travelling back and forth to the hospital so often. This could be why it is taking him 2-3 days to reply to your messages.

Just be patient, but supportive and, hopefully, as he begins to accept it himself, he will let you back into his life.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Dear jolamine 

Thank you for your kind advise. Can I ask if he be advised to stay away from cell phones because he's receiving radiation therapy??

Thank you Jolamine for your advice. You have somewhat helped me see what could do to help instead of being angry at my situation. 

My boyfriend of 9 months was diagnosed with cancer 2 months ago and only has less than 1 year to live, however he only told me about it 2 weeks ago. We were in a long distance relationship and so he had managed hide it from me whilst he was being tested and waiting for diagnosis.

The day after he broke the news to me he told me to let him go and that he wanted me to move on. It hurt so much to know he already had to go through such a hard time of his life on his own, and now that he had shared it with me he didnt want me part of his life anymore. I tried to fight to stay apart of his life, but I couldn't bare to know that I could potentially be putting extra stress on him by fighting with him. I eventually gave in and agreed to give him some space.

We had planned on introducing each other to the familes in the new year however now I am unable to as he doesnt even want to see me. I am scared and worried about him having to go through this on his own. I am trying to give him the space but all I want to do is go see him and be there for him. I feel that I cant turn to my family for help since he has given up on our relationship, and I had become extremely frustration as I have no idea who to talk to. But reading this forum has put some of my concerns to ease.

Thank you

Hi Aria,

Welcome to our forum.

Many men try to push loved ones away when they receive a cancer diagnosis. This  is possibly for a number of different reasons. Some of us get very emotional when diagnosed . This can manifest itself in anger (with themself for getting cancer and, with those who keep asking questions,which they cannot yet answer). It is a scary place, especially when first diagnosed and, it is not considered macho to show fear. It causes many of us to cry copiously and, they don't want us to see a grown man cry.

Some also fear that, with a terminal diagnosis it is not fair to tie a loved one to them, partly for their own pride, because it is not pretty to watch someone you love go through treatment or the end of life stage. There is also the decent guy who is worried about tying you to him throughout all of this, only to leave you high and dry at the end of things. This is why he wants you to move on. You do not say what type of cancer he has, but this may have other connotations such as sexual problems caused by treatment.

There are a number of posts on this subject. If you go to the blue banner at the top of this page and click on the search button and type in 'Boyfriend pushing me away' or similar wording, then click again. This will bring up previous posts which you might find interesting.

Sadly, not all of these stories end well, although some do. Have you seen your boyfriend since he got his diagnosis, or has all of your communication been via phone or text? You could always write him an old fashioned letter telling him that you are there for him whatever. That you know how hard it is for him and that you want to be there to support him, but only tell him this if you really mean it. If you do go down this route, it will be a hard one for both of you. You could end your letter by arranging to go and see him to discuss this in person.

What a pity that you are dealing with this all on your own and, that you cannot confide in family. Do you have a close friend who you could discuss this with? It does help to have someone to support you too. We are certainly here for you all the way, but have you considered seeing a counsellor? You might find it helpful to speak to someone with more experience face to face. Counselling is not for everyone, but it does help a lot of people.

I can fully appreciate your frustration and I sincerely hope that you can get past this impasse.
Please keep in touch and let us know how you get on.

Kind regards,
Jolamine xx

Hi 

Thank you for the advice. 

The only contact I have with him is through texts, and that too 1 word answers every 2/3 days.

But I have written out a letter with everything I want to say in it. I am hoping to send it to him on New Years eve. Hopefully it helps him understand that I will always be by his side and will stop pushing me away. 

Thank you again 

Aria

Hi Aria,

It is all too easy to make your texts as brief as you want and, this can all sem very impersonal. I sincerely hope that sending your letter will signify a New Year and a New Beginning for both of you. Let him know that you are aware of just how hard his journey is going to be, but that you are on it with him for the long haul.

I have my fingers crossed that all will turn out well for you and, remember that we are always here for you.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

I have found all these post so interesting, but I am not sure if I am any closer to answering my problem.

My partner been diagnosed with Myeloma Cancer, we both have children from previous relationships we have no children together. We've known each other for many years we even booked a vacation together in the new year.

He has been my rock over the years and we have supported each other with many difficult situations.

Recently he received his diagnose, and everytime I say I am coming to see him, at the last minute he cancels. He says he's tired or in pain or a family member has popped over. I am feeling so frustrated most nights I cry myself to sleep. I am mentally exhausted I feel like to just turn up at him home regardless of what he says. However, at the same time this may frustrate him that i am not respecting his wishes.

I am stuck and I need to get these feelings of my chest I have not seen him in a month the new year is coming, while I want to respect his boundaries I also want him to understand how I feel. I want him to know I'm not going anywhere and I am here if he wants me to be.

He has really bad trust issues from previous relationship. Perhaps he feels I may walk away so he doesn't want to commit himself. Maybe I need to accept I am just not that important right now. He has his older children to deal with as well plus trying to figure out next steps. He hasn't been at work for 3 months a job he has been doing for 36 years, he's always helping people now he's just sitting down going stare crazy I guess. He does have a lot of family support and they take him to his appointments. He prefers not to call me he texts me everyday which is fine. I had a bereavement recently and he just stayed on the phone listening to me crying and he tried to comfort me. That's the only time I heard his voice in the last month.

He has an operation and Chemo in January do I wait or pursue trying to meet him after Xmas I'm so confused.