Hi Phoemix,

I am so sorry to hear that you are suffering this upset on top of your boyfriend’s diagnosis.

I just wanted to let you know that many of us feel like this in the early days of diagnosis. I have had two bouts of breast cancer now, but I reacted very badly to my initial diagnosis, which was nearly 8 years ago. I constantly argued with my husband of 46 years. A kinder and a more mild mannered man you would never meet, yet I still tried to rile him at every turn. Although I knew that I was doing this, I couldn’t stop myself from persevering. I even had the gall to feel annoyed when he wouldn’t fight back!

I also complained so much about my symptoms that I drove my one and only daughter away and I was absolutely heartbroken when she refused to speak to me, or allow me in her house. I could understand this stance if we weren’t a very close family, but we have always been extremely close. This continued for several months and became all-consuming for me, as I was terrified that I would die before we could put things right again. In that time, I worried more about the break down in our relationship than I did about my cancer. Fortunately, we are now back on track, but this was an extremely upsetting time for both of us.

I also found that my head was all over the place at first. I could have several different emotions in a short space of time. I surprized myself by how angry I felt at first, I also felt desolate, worry for my family, fear, anxiousness, scared, cried frequently and all sorts of other mixed emotions. I might add that all of this was totally out of character for me. I have run my own business for 48 years and have always been a very independent soul.

One thing that I really hated was how much care my husband gave to me. I know that I sound very ungrateful. I’m not. It’s just that I felt suffocated by it all.  He has serious health problems himself and, has always depended upon me to be the strong one. Suddenly the tables were turned and he realized that I was only on this earth for a finite amount of time too and could be gone before him. We have now reached a compromise. I lead as independent a life as I can and he helps out where necessary.

I tell you all this because I still cannot justify why I reacted like this. I am usually very down to earth and just get on with things. The only excuse I have is that I lost both of my parents and several friends and relatives to cancer and just became scared out of my mind that I was going to suffer the same awful end as they did. Fortunately, cancer treatments have come a long way since then and I have been fortunate enough to receive treatment which is miles ahead of what they received.

How did we solve our differences? My daughter refused to speak to me unless we both saw a counsellor. I felt that our meeting was a total waste of time and was not happy divulging my innermost feelings to a stranger. The counsellor wanted to meet us both again, but my daughter relented at this point and, said that we could manage from there, as she could see how upset the meeting had made me. In retrospect, I do think that the meeting helped. We both reflected on a couple of things that the counsellor had said and gradually came round to more positive thinking.

I don’t know whether this information will be of any use to you. Perhaps some others on this forum may be willing to bare their souls about how they felt in the early days of their cancer journey? In the meantime, I guess I’m saying just hang in there, but don’t suffocate him. Many people with a diagnosis of cancer fear the worst and, mistakenly, try to protect their loved ones by refusing to discuss their situation. This doesn’t work for long. He will probably be like most of us here and realize that he needs friends and family to help and support him through this journey. Can I ask how long you have been together for?

You do not say what type of cancer, what stage it is at, or what age you both are. Being in pain can also affect our moods, but this should be controllable if he has a word with his care team. Do you know whether or not he has any treatment or surgery planned?  Do you know his family and whether or not he is also pushing them away, or is he confiding in them? Perhaps if you approached them and told them how you feel, telling them that you are here for him whenever they feel he needs you, this might leave another door open for you?

Please do not upset yourself by your boyfriend’s stance. The way you feel is natural, but chances are that he is still not thinking straight and will be only too happy to talk to you shortly.

I am thinking of you both and sincerely hope that you can overcome this hurdle. Please keep us updated. In the meantime there is always someone here to talk to whenever you feel like talking.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Hi Jolamine,

Well at some stuff has changed since the last time I wrote. He has reached out to me & we talk every couple days. He's still not letting me in about his cancer so I am in the dark about what is going on. He's 24 & I'm 26yrs old, we have only been together for 4months. Its been a short relationship but i do love him very much. I try to make the conversations are normal as can be because that's what it seems that he wants at the moment. There are times were it seems like everything is going okay with him & then there's times were he just won't really be present in the conversation. The worst part is the we live far from each other. So I haven't been able to see him. The main reason in the beginning was because he wanted to be left alone. I haven't asked since maybe I should. See where it goes?

I did ask though about our situation because it is driving me nuts not talking to him like we used but I try to understand why. At least he's talking to me right? Well anyways I ask if we were still together & if he still felt the same way. All he said we 'Idk right now..' 

I don't know what to do. Right now I'm just feeling down about everything. I feel sad, mad.. 

Hi there Phoenix. .

Hope you don't mind me popping back, but I stepped back for awhile, as you had the best advice any one could have from jolomine ... I know, coz she took me under her wing when I was on my scary early days .. she doesn't realise just how wonderfull she is ...

But just wanted to say, glad it's getting a bit better on communicating... this cancer has a way of isolating us as everyone can imagine what we go through, but only when you have it, do we fully understand ... so just sending you a big vertual hug on learning how to walk this journey, holding on together ... hope it gets better and better ... chrissie

Hi Chriss,

Yes she has been a big part of me getting through this and I really do appreciate her. It's been a struggle but I'm glad things are getting better and I'm glad that I was able to stay strong for him and be there. 

Thank you that means alot to me.

Hugsxx

I so hope someone can tell me this is normal. 

My boyfriend of a year has had spine cancer it had gone but come bad bad.  One day ago he was told this. Texted me saying he did not want to see me anymore wanted to be single to get over this on his own did not need any stress etc.  

Iv never felt so useless. I love him so much but only told him today. Why is he doing this to me 

Whenever I’m scared or confused I push away the closest people to me. I’m not saying I can relate to your boyfriend in what he’s going through, but just that he must be going through a large number of emotions right now. I’ve personally been extremely worried about my own health for the past 2 weeks or so and only told my family 3 days ago. For me, it’s because I don’t want to face it and everyone who’s close to me knowing can make things feel more real in a way. Just don’t push him and just let him know you’re there for when he needs you. I’m sure there’s a good possibility he’ll come around. Sorry if this didn’t help. 

Tk you so much for replying how kind of you.  I'm sure he is very scared. He finds it hard to talk and show his feelings so this must be hard for him.. He knows I'm here and I do care so much.  

Hi.Perry,

I am so sorry to hear of the situation between you and your boyfriend. Unfortunately, this is something that happens with a lot of people at this stage.

Bear in mind that he is probably.more aware of his own mortality now and he possibly doesn't want to drag loved ones into this vortex that he finds himself in. I' m sure that he is likely to be afraid of what lies ahead and is trying to protect you. Sadly, pushing all away doesn't help his situation.

It is so much easier if he can talk openly to someone about how he feels concerning all aspects of this disease. Many people start off by denying the existance of cancer even to themselves. This doesn't help us and acceptance gradually arrives.

When we accept the inevitable, we start to open up about our emotions and treatment options and this is when he is likely to need you. 

If you go to the search bar at the top of this page, click on the search engine on the blue banner and insert 'boyfriend pushing me away'..and then click. This will bring up previous posts on this topic, which you may find helpful.

Cancer puts a nig strain on a lot of relationships, but I hope that, with patience, you will get back on track again

Please keep in touch and let us know how you get on.We ate always here for you.

Kimd regards,

Jolamine xx

Hi,

I am in a similar situation. My distant BF was recently diagnosed. Since then he hardly talks to me. Love him so much that it really hurts. He doesn't like to talk about it eiter. Really don't understand what to do, how he feels. I just wish he had shared this feelings on this with me. Hardly responds to my messages.

Hi Desidiva,

Welcome to the forum. I am so sorry to hear that you find yourself in this unenviable situation. I cannot really add any more than I said in my reply to Perry above.

You do not mention what age your boyfriend is, or what type and grade of cancer he has. These are all important factors when considering the outcome.

Kind regards,
Jolamine xx

Dear Jolamine

He is 45 and was diagnosed prostate cancer..recently had radiation therapy.  Since then he hardly talks..he means the world to me..love him more than words can describe. If he speaks to me only then I can explain that I m there for him in every situation under any circumstances but he only replies to my message after 2/3 days and keeps it really short

Hi Desidiva,

All you can do is to let him know that you are there for him. We all react differently to a diagnosis like this and, it can take some people quite a time to take it all in. If he has been undergoing radiotherapy, he may be feeling pretty tired with all the travelling back and forth to the hospital so often. This could be why it is taking him 2-3 days to reply to your messages.

Just be patient, but supportive and, hopefully, as he begins to accept it himself, he will let you back into his life.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Hi Desidiva,

All you can do is to let him know that you are there for him. We all react differently to a diagnosis like this and, it can take some people quite a time to take it all in. If he has been undergoing radiotherapy, he may be feeling pretty tired with all the travelling back and forth to the hospital so often. This could be why it is taking him 2-3 days to reply to your messages.

Just be patient, but supportive and, hopefully, as he begins to accept it himself, he will let you back into his life.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Thank you Jolamine for your advice. You have somewhat helped me see what could do to help instead of being angry at my situation. 

My boyfriend of 9 months was diagnosed with cancer 2 months ago and only has less than 1 year to live, however he only told me about it 2 weeks ago. We were in a long distance relationship and so he had managed hide it from me whilst he was being tested and waiting for diagnosis.

The day after he broke the news to me he told me to let him go and that he wanted me to move on. It hurt so much to know he already had to go through such a hard time of his life on his own, and now that he had shared it with me he didnt want me part of his life anymore. I tried to fight to stay apart of his life, but I couldn't bare to know that I could potentially be putting extra stress on him by fighting with him. I eventually gave in and agreed to give him some space.

We had planned on introducing each other to the familes in the new year however now I am unable to as he doesnt even want to see me. I am scared and worried about him having to go through this on his own. I am trying to give him the space but all I want to do is go see him and be there for him. I feel that I cant turn to my family for help since he has given up on our relationship, and I had become extremely frustration as I have no idea who to talk to. But reading this forum has put some of my concerns to ease.

Thank you

Hi Aria,

Welcome to our forum.

Many men try to push loved ones away when they receive a cancer diagnosis. This  is possibly for a number of different reasons. Some of us get very emotional when diagnosed . This can manifest itself in anger (with themself for getting cancer and, with those who keep asking questions,which they cannot yet answer). It is a scary place, especially when first diagnosed and, it is not considered macho to show fear. It causes many of us to cry copiously and, they don't want us to see a grown man cry.

Some also fear that, with a terminal diagnosis it is not fair to tie a loved one to them, partly for their own pride, because it is not pretty to watch someone you love go through treatment or the end of life stage. There is also the decent guy who is worried about tying you to him throughout all of this, only to leave you high and dry at the end of things. This is why he wants you to move on. You do not say what type of cancer he has, but this may have other connotations such as sexual problems caused by treatment.

There are a number of posts on this subject. If you go to the blue banner at the top of this page and click on the search button and type in 'Boyfriend pushing me away' or similar wording, then click again. This will bring up previous posts which you might find interesting.

Sadly, not all of these stories end well, although some do. Have you seen your boyfriend since he got his diagnosis, or has all of your communication been via phone or text? You could always write him an old fashioned letter telling him that you are there for him whatever. That you know how hard it is for him and that you want to be there to support him, but only tell him this if you really mean it. If you do go down this route, it will be a hard one for both of you. You could end your letter by arranging to go and see him to discuss this in person.

What a pity that you are dealing with this all on your own and, that you cannot confide in family. Do you have a close friend who you could discuss this with? It does help to have someone to support you too. We are certainly here for you all the way, but have you considered seeing a counsellor? You might find it helpful to speak to someone with more experience face to face. Counselling is not for everyone, but it does help a lot of people.

I can fully appreciate your frustration and I sincerely hope that you can get past this impasse.
Please keep in touch and let us know how you get on.

Kind regards,
Jolamine xx

Hi 

Thank you for the advice. 

The only contact I have with him is through texts, and that too 1 word answers every 2/3 days.

But I have written out a letter with everything I want to say in it. I am hoping to send it to him on New Years eve. Hopefully it helps him understand that I will always be by his side and will stop pushing me away. 

Thank you again 

Aria

Hi Aria,

It is all too easy to make your texts as brief as you want and, this can all sem very impersonal. I sincerely hope that sending your letter will signify a New Year and a New Beginning for both of you. Let him know that you are aware of just how hard his journey is going to be, but that you are on it with him for the long haul.

I have my fingers crossed that all will turn out well for you and, remember that we are always here for you.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

I have found all these post so interesting, but I am not sure if I am any closer to answering my problem.

My partner been diagnosed with Myeloma Cancer, we both have children from previous relationships we have no children together. We've known each other for many years we even booked a vacation together in the new year.

He has been my rock over the years and we have supported each other with many difficult situations.

Recently he received his diagnose, and everytime I say I am coming to see him, at the last minute he cancels. He says he's tired or in pain or a family member has popped over. I am feeling so frustrated most nights I cry myself to sleep. I am mentally exhausted I feel like to just turn up at him home regardless of what he says. However, at the same time this may frustrate him that i am not respecting his wishes.

I am stuck and I need to get these feelings of my chest I have not seen him in a month the new year is coming, while I want to respect his boundaries I also want him to understand how I feel. I want him to know I'm not going anywhere and I am here if he wants me to be.

He has really bad trust issues from previous relationship. Perhaps he feels I may walk away so he doesn't want to commit himself. Maybe I need to accept I am just not that important right now. He has his older children to deal with as well plus trying to figure out next steps. He hasn't been at work for 3 months a job he has been doing for 36 years, he's always helping people now he's just sitting down going stare crazy I guess. He does have a lot of family support and they take him to his appointments. He prefers not to call me he texts me everyday which is fine. I had a bereavement recently and he just stayed on the phone listening to me crying and he tried to comfort me. That's the only time I heard his voice in the last month.

He has an operation and Chemo in January do I wait or pursue trying to meet him after Xmas I'm so confused.