Hi Phoemix,

I am so sorry to hear that you are suffering this upset on top of your boyfriend’s diagnosis.

I just wanted to let you know that many of us feel like this in the early days of diagnosis. I have had two bouts of breast cancer now, but I reacted very badly to my initial diagnosis, which was nearly 8 years ago. I constantly argued with my husband of 46 years. A kinder and a more mild mannered man you would never meet, yet I still tried to rile him at every turn. Although I knew that I was doing this, I couldn’t stop myself from persevering. I even had the gall to feel annoyed when he wouldn’t fight back!

I also complained so much about my symptoms that I drove my one and only daughter away and I was absolutely heartbroken when she refused to speak to me, or allow me in her house. I could understand this stance if we weren’t a very close family, but we have always been extremely close. This continued for several months and became all-consuming for me, as I was terrified that I would die before we could put things right again. In that time, I worried more about the break down in our relationship than I did about my cancer. Fortunately, we are now back on track, but this was an extremely upsetting time for both of us.

I also found that my head was all over the place at first. I could have several different emotions in a short space of time. I surprized myself by how angry I felt at first, I also felt desolate, worry for my family, fear, anxiousness, scared, cried frequently and all sorts of other mixed emotions. I might add that all of this was totally out of character for me. I have run my own business for 48 years and have always been a very independent soul.

One thing that I really hated was how much care my husband gave to me. I know that I sound very ungrateful. I’m not. It’s just that I felt suffocated by it all.  He has serious health problems himself and, has always depended upon me to be the strong one. Suddenly the tables were turned and he realized that I was only on this earth for a finite amount of time too and could be gone before him. We have now reached a compromise. I lead as independent a life as I can and he helps out where necessary.

I tell you all this because I still cannot justify why I reacted like this. I am usually very down to earth and just get on with things. The only excuse I have is that I lost both of my parents and several friends and relatives to cancer and just became scared out of my mind that I was going to suffer the same awful end as they did. Fortunately, cancer treatments have come a long way since then and I have been fortunate enough to receive treatment which is miles ahead of what they received.

How did we solve our differences? My daughter refused to speak to me unless we both saw a counsellor. I felt that our meeting was a total waste of time and was not happy divulging my innermost feelings to a stranger. The counsellor wanted to meet us both again, but my daughter relented at this point and, said that we could manage from there, as she could see how upset the meeting had made me. In retrospect, I do think that the meeting helped. We both reflected on a couple of things that the counsellor had said and gradually came round to more positive thinking.

I don’t know whether this information will be of any use to you. Perhaps some others on this forum may be willing to bare their souls about how they felt in the early days of their cancer journey? In the meantime, I guess I’m saying just hang in there, but don’t suffocate him. Many people with a diagnosis of cancer fear the worst and, mistakenly, try to protect their loved ones by refusing to discuss their situation. This doesn’t work for long. He will probably be like most of us here and realize that he needs friends and family to help and support him through this journey. Can I ask how long you have been together for?

You do not say what type of cancer, what stage it is at, or what age you both are. Being in pain can also affect our moods, but this should be controllable if he has a word with his care team. Do you know whether or not he has any treatment or surgery planned?  Do you know his family and whether or not he is also pushing them away, or is he confiding in them? Perhaps if you approached them and told them how you feel, telling them that you are here for him whenever they feel he needs you, this might leave another door open for you?

Please do not upset yourself by your boyfriend’s stance. The way you feel is natural, but chances are that he is still not thinking straight and will be only too happy to talk to you shortly.

I am thinking of you both and sincerely hope that you can overcome this hurdle. Please keep us updated. In the meantime there is always someone here to talk to whenever you feel like talking.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Dear Jolamine, I read your very intimate post. Thank you for sharing your innermost feelings and struggles. My husband is dealing with his third remission of lung cancer small cell. We met in July 2015 and and he moved in with me in August. We didn't know but then or shortly after he was out of remission Dec 2015. Ct scans every 3 months. He got treatment but 2016 was very rough. He's in remission about 1.5yrs now. It's hard to know how he's feeling. Second 3rd mth scan where dr wants a PET scan. He lost it finally after it felt he was very cold to me that day of the oncology visit. He finally confided he was scared, he's over it and just wants to go to sleep and never wake up. So I'm not sure if he feels that way always. I don't know how to be...normal, caring, inquisitive. I try to make sure he eats. I think like you said he feels I'm overbearing on caregiving. I called the VA social worker to speak with her because I didn't know what to do. Sometimes she said he doesn't want to talk about it because it makes it real. Sometimes he's short with me. Then I ask if he's in a lot of pain. Steroids for 3 months in 2016 have given him AVN and his hip bones are dying. He walks with a walker, crutches and he uses a wheelchair when needed or for outings and appts. He's playing an online game he use to play now so much and I felt he was shutting me out.. Finally last night we watched several movies together and I felt connected again. It's rough for everyone, the cancer patient and their significant other.

I hope that your cancer is tackled. I know it's so hard. Praying for you and your family.

Phoenix and the other ladies, you are doing the best you can under the circumstances. We really beat ourselves up but just trying and being there is all we can do to support our loved ones. Praying for you all too and your bfs. 

Sincerely

Thereselynn

Hello Thereselynn,

It sounds as you and your husband are going through a rough time at the moment. I am very sorry to hear this, especially when you have only been together for a few years.

Despite this and despite the fact that you sensed that he was cold to you after his oncology visit, try to be there for him, as he will need you throughout his cancer journey. This is not always easy when you feel shut out. You are bound to feel upset and resentful at times. Don’t let this worry you unduly. This is something that happens to many of us cancer patients at times and your reaction is perfectly normal.

I suspect that your social worker is right and he doesn’t really want to talk about how he feels because this makes it real. He is naturally scared of what lies ahead and, possibly worries for you when you are left alone and how you’ll cope without him.

A cancer diagnosis affects all of the family and not just the person who has it. It totally changes our outlook on life, but each day is precious and, if he is still well enough to get around, try to spend the time making precious memories, rather than worrying about what is to come. Three remissions of small cell lung cancer is a lot to deal with. I’m not at all surprised to hear that he has had difficulty coming to terms with this. I have had 2 bouts of breast cancer and know how I felt after the second.

The one thing I wanted my husband to do for me was to treat me as normal. Instead he tried to shield me from the world and wrap me in cotton wool. Instead of appreciating this and making the most of it, I felt angry that he wasn’t doing what I wanted – not fair I know, but that was how I felt. It took some plain talking between the two of us before we compromised. By all means ensure that your hubby eats well and keeps his stamina up, but try to do this without being too overbearing – not an easy task, I know.

Hiding himself in his online game sounds like a good way for him to lose himself for a while and maybe helps him to forget his worries for a time? I can understand why you feel shut out, but am glad to hear that you managed to relax and watch a few films the other night.

I hope that the closeness you felt continues. Good communication is the key to preventing these pent up feelings between you. You will probably find that by gently nudging him to open up and confide his innermost feelings to you, he will eventually discover that this is the best way forward for both of you, but don’t push it. If he’s not ready just leave him. He will talk when he is ready.

Thinking of you both and wishing you the strength to deal with this.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Hello Thereselynn,

It sounds as you and your husband are going through a rough time at the moment. I am very sorry to hear this, especially when you have only been together for a few years.

Despite this and despite the fact that you sensed that he was cold to you after his oncology visit, try to be there for him, as he will need you throughout his cancer journey. This is not always easy when you feel shut out. You are bound to feel upset and resentful at times. Don’t let this worry you unduly. This is something that happens to many of us cancer patients at times and your reaction is perfectly normal.

I suspect that your social worker is right and he doesn’t really want to talk about how he feels because this makes it real. He is naturally scared of what lies ahead and, possibly worries for you when you are left alone and how you’ll cope without him.

A cancer diagnosis affects all of the family and not just the person who has it. It totally changes our outlook on life, but each day is precious and, if he is still well enough to get around, try to spend the time making precious memories, rather than worrying about what is to come. Three remissions of small cell lung cancer is a lot to deal with. I’m not at all surprised to hear that he has had difficulty coming to terms with this. I have had 2 bouts of breast cancer and know how I felt after the second.

The one thing I wanted my husband to do for me was to treat me as normal. Instead he tried to shield me from the world and wrap me in cotton wool. Instead of appreciating this and making the most of it, I felt angry that he wasn’t doing what I wanted – not fair I know, but that was how I felt. It took some plain talking between the two of us before we compromised. By all means ensure that your hubby eats well and keeps his stamina up, but try to do this without being too overbearing – not an easy task, I know.

Hiding himself in his online game sounds like a good way for him to lose himself for a while and maybe helps him to forget his worries for a time? I can understand why you feel shut out, but am glad to hear that you managed to relax and watch a few films the other night.

I hope that the closeness you felt continues. Good communication is the key to preventing these pent up feelings between you. You will probably find that by gently nudging him to open up and confide his innermost feelings to you, he will eventually discover that this is the best way forward for both of you, but don’t push it. If he’s not ready just leave him. He will talk when he is ready.

Thinking of you both and wishing you the strength to deal with this.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx