Hi Mayari,

Sorry for the late response. Im so sorry that you are going through all of this but you are not alone in this all though it may seem like it. Things have improved alot within the last couple of months. To say it was easy in an understatement. Not knowing what was going on and being there for him like I wanted was very difficult for me. I tried to understand how he must have been feeling and what eas going through his mind. Its been a slow processes but he finally understood that Im not going anywhere. So we are taking things slow now.

I did send you a message so we could talk more and maybe that will help both of us go through all this.

Kind regards. Stay strong!

Hi Phoenix,

I am glad to hear that my input has helped you on this lonely journey and, absolutely delighted to know that things are going better for both of you now.

Like you, I just had to work through things when I was having a difficult time accepting my diagnosis. Now I take every day as a bonus and make the most of it.

You may think that it is scary to start thinking about what type of surgery he should have and what the next steps should be. In some ways it is easier, as things start to move. Instead of feeling like a rabbit caught in the headlights, you will both feel better to be moving forward to the stage where something is actually being done and, he is not continually having tests on top of tests.

Please keep in touch and let us know how he gets on.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Hi Phoenix and Jolamine, 

First of all, thank you and I'm glad that there's a forum such as this one which helps people like me to cope up with an unfortunate situation. My ldr bf of 2 yrs just broke up with me just last week and he never gave me a chance to understand what he's going through and how we could make things work. Less than a year in our relationship, he was diagnosed with chronic lymphocytic leukemia with a secondary malignancy of skin cancer. I was very devastated when I found this out because I don't ever want to lose him...not until we're wrinkly, old and gray. He's such a wonderful person and I feel that he's the one for me. Anyway, this unpleasant news about his health didn't affect our relationship. We continued and visited each other often. He travelled a few times in Asia, met my family, I also travelled to US and met his family. Things seemed to be moving forward and we even discussed our future since we're both not getting any younger (I'm 38, he's 52). However, he started to became distant 2 months ago. First, he was feeling down about his financials and stressful job. Next, was when he has to undergo skin biopsy. Turns out the tiny fleshy spots on his face is melanoma. He has undergone surgery to remove them before they spread deep down the skin. From then on, I noticed the remarkable changes in him. He doesn't talk to me that much anymore, and when he does, he always feels down. I tried cheering him up and told him I will always be here to support him. There was also a time that I told him that I'm scared he will reject me one day -- I said that because there were days that will pass that he doesn't talk to me. And after almost a week of not talking to me, he just gave me his final verdict. He said he feels that he's not really moving forward together with me. He said it's nothing about what I did, and it's just his deep feeling that tells him we're over. I understand that he's going through a lot right now, and I assured him that I will be there to support him. But he already made his decision and I just have to respect it. Right now, I'm helping myself to cope up with this unexpected heartbreak. I know deep in his heart, he loves me as much as I love him. I hope he will give me a chance to help him fight cancer. I accepted that we're over, but I will come for him one day and be his sunshine. Hope he'll let me in.

Hi Quicksilver & Mayari,

I am sorry that you both find yourselves in a similar position to Phoenix. This must be very upsetting for you both, particularly when you are trying to communicate over a distance.

As Renata has already mentioned, it is common for people who receive a cancer diagnosis to push loved ones away. There are several reasons for this. Initially there is a mixture of shock, anger, denial and fear, especially fear of death. There are a host of other emotions that we can feel at this time too.

As a result of all these mixed emotions we tend to try and protect our loved ones from having to tend to us and from sharing our worries along the way. Many find that, particularly in the early stages of the disease, they can only cope with their own very mixed feelings and cannot worry for family and friends as well. As testing finishes and they begin to cope with surgery and treatment, their outlooks improve and they begin to think with more clarity. It is often not until this stage that we are ready to let loved ones in.

By talking to and supporting one another, we can cope with moving forward. When you are being denied any input at this stage, you find this very distressing and feel left out of all that is happening. Although, in the eyes of the patient, this is being done for your benefit, to protect you from further distress, this is not how it works.

Finance, or rather, the lack of finance can become a problem when cancer calls. Perhaps your boyfriends are feeling embarrassed about this? There can also be stress associated with their jobs. Quicksilver, do you think that the melanoma on your boyfriend's face have made him more afraid? I know that I was terrified when my second bout of cancer was diagnosed only 1 year after the first.

Do you think that he is depressed now? This could have led to his decision to set you free (as he sees it). Is it just you who is having difficulty in getting him to talk or is this also a problem for others? If he is depressed the doctor can help him with anti-depressants, which a number of cancer patients have to resort to for a while. It is possible that he may come to regret his decision to part with you, so it might be worth contacting him as a concerned friend from time to time, to see how his cancer journey is going, in the hope that he may change his mind. However, he has said that you are over and, he may stick to his guns, so don’t go raising false hopes for yourself.

Mayari, you do not give any details of the complications you’ve encountered, but I do hope that between the two of you, you manage to resolve these, or may even have already done so, as I see that you posted some time ago..

It sounds as if neither of you are ready to give up on your boyfriends yet. I hope that your perseverance pays off, but you may both need to be patient for a while.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Hi Quicksilver,

It is difficult to give an accurate picture of how we all react to our cancer journeys, as we all act in different ways. However, financial matters can become paramount, when one is not well enough to work, without the added burden of having to pay for ongoing treatment. It sounds as if your boyfriend is now back at work and I am sorry to hear that his boss is giving him a hard time. He could do without the additional stress just now.

A cancer diagnosis brings with it a whole raft of emotions from anger, depression, denial, fear, tears, impatience and many other feelings. Many people don’t want to take any more medication than necessary, but sometimes we just have to succumb for a short while and, anti-depressants have certainly lifted many of us out of a dark place, even when we didn’t want to take them in the first instance.

It is a pity that his own family are all living a distance away from him too. I am glad to hear that you can both be civil to one another. By all means continue to phone him to see how he’s doing. I am sure that he will soon let you know if he doesn’t want to hear from you, although I suspect that he may secretly be quite glad that you care enough about his health to stay in touch.

Stay positive and, I hope that things work out for you both in the end.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Hi Quicksilver,

By taking a step back for a while, your boyfriend may come to realize that he does need you.

I am glad to hear that you have no illusions about what is involved if you do get to take care of him. There ae so many different sources of stress involved and we see quite a number of marriages breaking apart because one partner or the other cannot cope with all that this entails.

I do hope that things work out for you both, but you will need to be patient.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Dear Jolamine, I read your very intimate post. Thank you for sharing your innermost feelings and struggles. My husband is dealing with his third remission of lung cancer small cell. We met in July 2015 and and he moved in with me in August. We didn't know but then or shortly after he was out of remission Dec 2015. Ct scans every 3 months. He got treatment but 2016 was very rough. He's in remission about 1.5yrs now. It's hard to know how he's feeling. Second 3rd mth scan where dr wants a PET scan. He lost it finally after it felt he was very cold to me that day of the oncology visit. He finally confided he was scared, he's over it and just wants to go to sleep and never wake up. So I'm not sure if he feels that way always. I don't know how to be...normal, caring, inquisitive. I try to make sure he eats. I think like you said he feels I'm overbearing on caregiving. I called the VA social worker to speak with her because I didn't know what to do. Sometimes she said he doesn't want to talk about it because it makes it real. Sometimes he's short with me. Then I ask if he's in a lot of pain. Steroids for 3 months in 2016 have given him AVN and his hip bones are dying. He walks with a walker, crutches and he uses a wheelchair when needed or for outings and appts. He's playing an online game he use to play now so much and I felt he was shutting me out.. Finally last night we watched several movies together and I felt connected again. It's rough for everyone, the cancer patient and their significant other.

I hope that your cancer is tackled. I know it's so hard. Praying for you and your family.

Phoenix and the other ladies, you are doing the best you can under the circumstances. We really beat ourselves up but just trying and being there is all we can do to support our loved ones. Praying for you all too and your bfs. 

Sincerely

Thereselynn

Hello Thereselynn,

It sounds as you and your husband are going through a rough time at the moment. I am very sorry to hear this, especially when you have only been together for a few years.

Despite this and despite the fact that you sensed that he was cold to you after his oncology visit, try to be there for him, as he will need you throughout his cancer journey. This is not always easy when you feel shut out. You are bound to feel upset and resentful at times. Don’t let this worry you unduly. This is something that happens to many of us cancer patients at times and your reaction is perfectly normal.

I suspect that your social worker is right and he doesn’t really want to talk about how he feels because this makes it real. He is naturally scared of what lies ahead and, possibly worries for you when you are left alone and how you’ll cope without him.

A cancer diagnosis affects all of the family and not just the person who has it. It totally changes our outlook on life, but each day is precious and, if he is still well enough to get around, try to spend the time making precious memories, rather than worrying about what is to come. Three remissions of small cell lung cancer is a lot to deal with. I’m not at all surprised to hear that he has had difficulty coming to terms with this. I have had 2 bouts of breast cancer and know how I felt after the second.

The one thing I wanted my husband to do for me was to treat me as normal. Instead he tried to shield me from the world and wrap me in cotton wool. Instead of appreciating this and making the most of it, I felt angry that he wasn’t doing what I wanted – not fair I know, but that was how I felt. It took some plain talking between the two of us before we compromised. By all means ensure that your hubby eats well and keeps his stamina up, but try to do this without being too overbearing – not an easy task, I know.

Hiding himself in his online game sounds like a good way for him to lose himself for a while and maybe helps him to forget his worries for a time? I can understand why you feel shut out, but am glad to hear that you managed to relax and watch a few films the other night.

I hope that the closeness you felt continues. Good communication is the key to preventing these pent up feelings between you. You will probably find that by gently nudging him to open up and confide his innermost feelings to you, he will eventually discover that this is the best way forward for both of you, but don’t push it. If he’s not ready just leave him. He will talk when he is ready.

Thinking of you both and wishing you the strength to deal with this.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx