Hi Phoemix,

I am so sorry to hear that you are suffering this upset on top of your boyfriend’s diagnosis.

I just wanted to let you know that many of us feel like this in the early days of diagnosis. I have had two bouts of breast cancer now, but I reacted very badly to my initial diagnosis, which was nearly 8 years ago. I constantly argued with my husband of 46 years. A kinder and a more mild mannered man you would never meet, yet I still tried to rile him at every turn. Although I knew that I was doing this, I couldn’t stop myself from persevering. I even had the gall to feel annoyed when he wouldn’t fight back!

I also complained so much about my symptoms that I drove my one and only daughter away and I was absolutely heartbroken when she refused to speak to me, or allow me in her house. I could understand this stance if we weren’t a very close family, but we have always been extremely close. This continued for several months and became all-consuming for me, as I was terrified that I would die before we could put things right again. In that time, I worried more about the break down in our relationship than I did about my cancer. Fortunately, we are now back on track, but this was an extremely upsetting time for both of us.

I also found that my head was all over the place at first. I could have several different emotions in a short space of time. I surprized myself by how angry I felt at first, I also felt desolate, worry for my family, fear, anxiousness, scared, cried frequently and all sorts of other mixed emotions. I might add that all of this was totally out of character for me. I have run my own business for 48 years and have always been a very independent soul.

One thing that I really hated was how much care my husband gave to me. I know that I sound very ungrateful. I’m not. It’s just that I felt suffocated by it all.  He has serious health problems himself and, has always depended upon me to be the strong one. Suddenly the tables were turned and he realized that I was only on this earth for a finite amount of time too and could be gone before him. We have now reached a compromise. I lead as independent a life as I can and he helps out where necessary.

I tell you all this because I still cannot justify why I reacted like this. I am usually very down to earth and just get on with things. The only excuse I have is that I lost both of my parents and several friends and relatives to cancer and just became scared out of my mind that I was going to suffer the same awful end as they did. Fortunately, cancer treatments have come a long way since then and I have been fortunate enough to receive treatment which is miles ahead of what they received.

How did we solve our differences? My daughter refused to speak to me unless we both saw a counsellor. I felt that our meeting was a total waste of time and was not happy divulging my innermost feelings to a stranger. The counsellor wanted to meet us both again, but my daughter relented at this point and, said that we could manage from there, as she could see how upset the meeting had made me. In retrospect, I do think that the meeting helped. We both reflected on a couple of things that the counsellor had said and gradually came round to more positive thinking.

I don’t know whether this information will be of any use to you. Perhaps some others on this forum may be willing to bare their souls about how they felt in the early days of their cancer journey? In the meantime, I guess I’m saying just hang in there, but don’t suffocate him. Many people with a diagnosis of cancer fear the worst and, mistakenly, try to protect their loved ones by refusing to discuss their situation. This doesn’t work for long. He will probably be like most of us here and realize that he needs friends and family to help and support him through this journey. Can I ask how long you have been together for?

You do not say what type of cancer, what stage it is at, or what age you both are. Being in pain can also affect our moods, but this should be controllable if he has a word with his care team. Do you know whether or not he has any treatment or surgery planned?  Do you know his family and whether or not he is also pushing them away, or is he confiding in them? Perhaps if you approached them and told them how you feel, telling them that you are here for him whenever they feel he needs you, this might leave another door open for you?

Please do not upset yourself by your boyfriend’s stance. The way you feel is natural, but chances are that he is still not thinking straight and will be only too happy to talk to you shortly.

I am thinking of you both and sincerely hope that you can overcome this hurdle. Please keep us updated. In the meantime there is always someone here to talk to whenever you feel like talking.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Hi Jolamine,

Well at some stuff has changed since the last time I wrote. He has reached out to me & we talk every couple days. He's still not letting me in about his cancer so I am in the dark about what is going on. He's 24 & I'm 26yrs old, we have only been together for 4months. Its been a short relationship but i do love him very much. I try to make the conversations are normal as can be because that's what it seems that he wants at the moment. There are times were it seems like everything is going okay with him & then there's times were he just won't really be present in the conversation. The worst part is the we live far from each other. So I haven't been able to see him. The main reason in the beginning was because he wanted to be left alone. I haven't asked since maybe I should. See where it goes?

I did ask though about our situation because it is driving me nuts not talking to him like we used but I try to understand why. At least he's talking to me right? Well anyways I ask if we were still together & if he still felt the same way. All he said we 'Idk right now..' 

I don't know what to do. Right now I'm just feeling down about everything. I feel sad, mad.. 

Hi Phoenix91

I came across your thread and am very moved by your situation, I find myself in the exact same place and I am interested to hear how things have turned out so far.

My long distance boyfriend has been diagnosed with an uncurable cancer a year ago and things have gotten very complicated since then. We share almost the same age as you do... So I can understand what you are going through now. If you like feel free to message me, I think exchanging our experiences might help us both...

Sending you hugs from oveerseas. Stay strong!

Hi Phoenix91

I came across your thread and am very moved by your situation, I find myself in the exact same place and I am interested to hear how things have turned out so far.

My long distance boyfriend has been diagnosed with an uncurable cancer a year ago and things have gotten very complicated since then. We share almost the same age as you do... So I can understand what you are going through now. If you like feel free to message me, I think exchanging our experiences might help us both...

Sending you hugs from oveerseas. Stay strong!

Hi Mayari,

Sorry for the late response. Im so sorry that you are going through all of this but you are not alone in this all though it may seem like it. Things have improved alot within the last couple of months. To say it was easy in an understatement. Not knowing what was going on and being there for him like I wanted was very difficult for me. I tried to understand how he must have been feeling and what eas going through his mind. Its been a slow processes but he finally understood that Im not going anywhere. So we are taking things slow now.

I did send you a message so we could talk more and maybe that will help both of us go through all this.

Kind regards. Stay strong!

I so hope someone can tell me this is normal. 

My boyfriend of a year has had spine cancer it had gone but come bad bad.  One day ago he was told this. Texted me saying he did not want to see me anymore wanted to be single to get over this on his own did not need any stress etc.  

Iv never felt so useless. I love him so much but only told him today. Why is he doing this to me 

Whenever I’m scared or confused I push away the closest people to me. I’m not saying I can relate to your boyfriend in what he’s going through, but just that he must be going through a large number of emotions right now. I’ve personally been extremely worried about my own health for the past 2 weeks or so and only told my family 3 days ago. For me, it’s because I don’t want to face it and everyone who’s close to me knowing can make things feel more real in a way. Just don’t push him and just let him know you’re there for when he needs you. I’m sure there’s a good possibility he’ll come around. Sorry if this didn’t help. 

Tk you so much for replying how kind of you.  I'm sure he is very scared. He finds it hard to talk and show his feelings so this must be hard for him.. He knows I'm here and I do care so much.  

Hi.Perry,

I am so sorry to hear of the situation between you and your boyfriend. Unfortunately, this is something that happens with a lot of people at this stage.

Bear in mind that he is probably.more aware of his own mortality now and he possibly doesn't want to drag loved ones into this vortex that he finds himself in. I' m sure that he is likely to be afraid of what lies ahead and is trying to protect you. Sadly, pushing all away doesn't help his situation.

It is so much easier if he can talk openly to someone about how he feels concerning all aspects of this disease. Many people start off by denying the existance of cancer even to themselves. This doesn't help us and acceptance gradually arrives.

When we accept the inevitable, we start to open up about our emotions and treatment options and this is when he is likely to need you. 

If you go to the search bar at the top of this page, click on the search engine on the blue banner and insert 'boyfriend pushing me away'..and then click. This will bring up previous posts on this topic, which you may find helpful.

Cancer puts a nig strain on a lot of relationships, but I hope that, with patience, you will get back on track again

Please keep in touch and let us know how you get on.We ate always here for you.

Kimd regards,

Jolamine xx

Hi,

I am in a similar situation. My distant BF was recently diagnosed. Since then he hardly talks to me. Love him so much that it really hurts. He doesn't like to talk about it eiter. Really don't understand what to do, how he feels. I just wish he had shared this feelings on this with me. Hardly responds to my messages.

Hi Desidiva,

Welcome to the forum. I am so sorry to hear that you find yourself in this unenviable situation. I cannot really add any more than I said in my reply to Perry above.

You do not mention what age your boyfriend is, or what type and grade of cancer he has. These are all important factors when considering the outcome.

Kind regards,
Jolamine xx

Dear Jolamine

He is 45 and was diagnosed prostate cancer..recently had radiation therapy.  Since then he hardly talks..he means the world to me..love him more than words can describe. If he speaks to me only then I can explain that I m there for him in every situation under any circumstances but he only replies to my message after 2/3 days and keeps it really short

Hi Desidiva,

All you can do is to let him know that you are there for him. We all react differently to a diagnosis like this and, it can take some people quite a time to take it all in. If he has been undergoing radiotherapy, he may be feeling pretty tired with all the travelling back and forth to the hospital so often. This could be why it is taking him 2-3 days to reply to your messages.

Just be patient, but supportive and, hopefully, as he begins to accept it himself, he will let you back into his life.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Dear jolamine 

Thank you for your kind advise. Can I ask if he be advised to stay away from cell phones because he's receiving radiation therapy??