so sorry to hear about your husband sounds like hes been through so much and you also, you must let your emotions out or you will get ill ,its important to take care of yourself to, try not to panic till he has his other scan and you have the full facts, i know exactly the dread you feel, my dad is terminal with brain tumour. this site is very good lots of people to help you figure things out, and the nurses are good, on the    ask a nurse section, there is always support for you here and sometimes it easier to talk to strangers about your fears, there has been a lot of cancer in my life if you click on the guitar and look at my,    about me,   section. i wish you look for the scan. dig deep, be brave, we all surprise ourselves in how well we cope sometimes. stay positive.    cococat

Dear Tiggs, I am crying with you and sending you a tight 'virtual' hug. X

Hi Tiggs, you have come to the right site for support. There are a lot of amazing people on this site who are very supportive. My 54 year old husband has incurable advanced bladder cancer and is being so brave it makes me so sad! We have 2 daughters aged 20 and 21 and we all love him so much. What can we do? I ask this all the time. I have cried and cried, mostly when I have been walking our dog at 6am in the morning. He doesn't see this but he knows I am sad. We are not robots and can't be strong all the time.  Let it out whenever you need to as it really does help. I can't think about losing him because the thought is too painful so I am taking it one day at a time. My work colleagues are fantastic and have been so kind. Feel free to add me as a friend if you wish. Sending you a massive virtual hug! Love Sara xxx

Hi Tiggs, Be Brave, He needs your strength and love, Its very hard, I know but your needs will come from within, the tears the fear the anguish will give way to strength when its needed. Never doubt that you can not do this, You can and you will, I lived with dread for 25 years with my Jim, I know how you feel, lost and alone and scared and wondering what each new day will bring, My Jim is still here, but now living with the after affects, I was lucky that I had 5 very young children, who I had to get up and get on with amongst it all, but I was still so lonely inside, I was scared and in despair but somehow, I dont know where from, a feeling of being able to cope and understand came to me, It will come to you, a week, a month, a year, who knows, Like the patient, the carer has different stages, none of them understood and some of them so severe it almost feels pointless, But it isnt, you are with him for a reason, You can be strong but you must also cry if you need, In your husbands arms hopefully, thats what I did, and it bought a relief that we both needed so much, We both became so scared of what was happening that we almost lost each other in the daily drama of hospitals, treatment, operations, tests, I was scared to show my fear to him, for him to see me cry was a no no, but, it saved us and bought us back to reality, and helped us through, Your feelings are very important too, what he suffers, you suffer, what he fears, you fear, you are 1 , that is what will see you through, It Will xxxxxxx

Hi SaraJo,

My 56 year old husband has bladder cancer with secondaries. Wondered if you would like to share support and notes as I'm finding it all very frustrating and confusing regarding his treatment in particular. If so, please add me as a friend.

Best wishes x

I want to respond to one of your points. I  appreciate that the word palliative may seem stark, it surely just means that he will have cancer for the rest of his life, it doesn't mean that his life expectancy has drastically shortened. Only your doctors can talk about that and often no one knows as each person is unique. 

My partner has been in receipt of palliative care for over four years. I am not saying that it's all rosey in my garden just hope you can ask the right questions, so that you know as much as anyone does, what lies ahead. 

My my only advice is; knowledge is power. I ask questions (sometimes whilst crying at the same time) but knowledge means I can advocate more strongly for my partner. (I've also just taken out an enduring power of attorney to make sure I am heard).