My Mum has gone from being a healthy and active person to being terminally ill with stage 4 breast cancer in the space of a few months (it turned out her aches and pains weren't just "an inevitable part of growing old"). The oncologist was very optimistic about chemo giving her an extra couple of years but she reacted very badly to the first dose with multiple infections, including pneumonia. The treatment has maybe improved her appetite a bit but she's still suffering unbearable pain which needs heavy medication, so understandably, she doesn't want any more cancer treatment.I've come back to the UK from Oslo, where I've lived for 6 years, to be with her. Mum's very stoical, and she's in hospital so my burden is not very high in caring for her.
My problem is dealing with her huge circle of friends and family. We've lived in several far flung places as a family and my parents were always very popular, so there are friends all over the place and a lot of people are very concerned. I completely understand but I'm finding that I'm having to have the same conversation over and over (sometimes with the same people) about how she is today, if we can find ways to convince her have more treatment, how does she look, what's her state of mind, when can they visit. What's more, people think I need cheering up so they call to chat about the weather, what they had for dinner. I hung up the phone mid conversation yesterday because I couldn't get the person to stop talking. I now can't bring myself to pick up the phone.
Meanwhile, I need to be able to talk to my own friends to work through my feelings. I'm not a very typical person and I find that most people don't really relate to the real me, so it's critical that I can talk to my friends, who are mainly back in Norway. But I'm so exhausted with putting on a front for people who expect me to be normal that I don't have the energy to contact them. I also need time on my own so I can work things through from my own perspective.
And of course, I want to spend as much time as possible with my Mum, be there for her, understand her feelings.
So what to do? I've thought about blogging - that's what I would want if I were the ill one - but I suspect that generation will find the idea horrendous (not least my Mum); sending a group email (OK, but then I would have to deal with individual responses). Asking people to SMS if they're just checking if they can visit? We've already designated a few points of contact but there are about 7 of them and not everyone takes notice anyway.
Also, does anyone have any tips for things to say when you just want to end a conversation?
Thanks...
