I don't want to see mum die

I really need some advice. My mum is reaching the end of her cancer battle and from my previous posts it's days. I visited mum on New Year's Eve and could see the deterioration. It was lovely to be with mum but very distressing. I didn't know when I thought I wouldn't be able to see mum again but felt I couldn't cope to see mum much worse than this and I know she wouldn't want me to remember her like this as we talked often. The problem I have is my dad thinks I should be with mum when she dies as we were with our Nanna when she died  as my dad said it was the right thing to do and we were just young children then I think I was 12 and remember it like it was yesterday and the image has never left me and I'm 40 now! I thought I needed to be honest to dad and tell him my feelings that I didn't want to see my amazing beautiful mum die and could I not be there again . Ive told dad I would come to support dad afterwards he was disgusted at me for this and says I'm horrible. I've not slept all night as although in my mind I feel I've made the right decision I feel really guilty as I know my dad will never forgive me. Also my mum was such a proud person and she wouldn't want people to see her like this and my dad keeps taking his friends in to see mum which I know she would  hate some of these friends she didn't even like! 

Parents
  • Hi Tilly I am so sorry to hear about your mum. Each of us makes our own choices , I believe, based on what we think will be best and I hope you come to a decision about how to manage this difficult situation that works for you. I am not sure other people can guide you but what I would say is I lost my mum in similar circumstances a little while ago now and one of the great comforts for me has been that my sister and I were there, as mum wanted, throughout her last days and whilst I do have some vivid memories I have found them to be comforting. Wishing you comfort in whatever you decide. X

     

     

  • Hi Pauline and California, thank you for your advice. After thinking and stressing lots and speaking to close friends and the nursing staff looking after mum I've decided to stay with the last memory I have of mum and not to be there when she dies. Everyday dad says she gets worse and he has my brother there for support who wasn't as close to mum and a doctor. My children are very low at the moment and I feel I need to be close to them as they too are struggling. We have spent most of their school holiday travelling back and to to hospital as mum is in hospital nearly 200 miles away and each time we visit we go there and back in a day. I I feel sad I won't see mum again but I know I will in the future and she will always be in my heart and memories. We had such a special bond and I know she would want me to do what I feel is right and she always said God will only give you what you can handle and I feel we left at peace the other day. 

  • Oh, Tilly, bless you, if that is your decision then that is right for you.  We are, indeed, all different and your mum will understand and, I am sure agree.  

    I do hope your dear mum will not suffer and you will both be at peace. x 

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