Hi OC and welcome to the forum, though I'm really sorry it's your dad's illness that has brought you here.

Don't feel embarrassed about your post, nor the fact that you cry regularly. It's a natural safety valve to let those pent up emotions out and they're better out than in! The forum offers a safe place for you let off steam too! 

Your decision about going on holiday is a hard call for you, and ultimately, it's your decision about whether you go or not, but speaking as a parent (also with a terminal diagnosis) I am thrilled when I see my two children getting on with their lives and not  putting things on hold for me. I bet your dad is bursting with pride about your University plans! 

Presumably your dad's medical team know that he's having eating difficulties? Have they helped with suggestions for shakes and soups etc to help him get the nutrition he needs? 

Obviously, you've found this forum, but have you considered seeking other support to help you with the emotional aspects you're naturally experiencing? Your GP practice will have details of such agencies or contact Macmillan directly, they're there for families too.  All of us need a little extra help now and again. 

If it helps, post on here as often as you need to. Take care of yourself - sending a massive hug, Jo x

Hi Oc

Am sorry to read the reason for your visiting the forum and hope you can find some support here. As Jo says no need to feel embarrassed about posting real feelings and emotions that are rocking you just now. We all need to offload at times and crying is a natural release.  When my husband had a terminal diagnosis I came he to vent, explore and try and understand and have found so much understanding when sometimes its just too difficult to let it out in the real world.

Making day to day decisions as to whether you should take your holiday is something my daughter and family  had to do last Christmas (she was due to be at her inlaws).  Her Dad told her to go and carry on with the plans as it would be the best thing for him to know she was doing 'normal stuff'.  She honoured his wishes (though found the time away emotionally draining) and phoned me every day and visited us as soon as she came back.  Her Dad enjoyed hearing all about it as it gave him something to focus on other that the b...... illness.  You will make the decision that is right for you.

My husband had difficulty eating for some weeks and was prescribed nutritional shakes by his GP and coped better with sloppy food - soups, custard, smoothies, ice cream which were easier to swallow and digest.

Once at Uni (well done on achieving a place) they will have someone you can talk to if you wish so do not be afraid to ask for support.  Sending a virtual hug and if it helps keep posting.Jules

Hi OC

All your emotions are quite normal, take some releif that cancer also affects bad and nasty people too! You have also learned that you have responsibilities in life and cant just be selfish and kill yourself, because others depend on you. Also your death would be more devastating to your father than his cancer is. Obey your fathers wishes and take that holiday, it will be good for you and those going with you. Whatever happens, make your father and mother proud, go to university and work hard for a first class degree, visit home as often as you can. Make sure that the hospital are aware your dad needs help with nausea.

Don't worry, I wouldn't harm myself, it was just one of those comments I made in rage/ sadness. They are aware of his nausea and he has now been prescribed nutrition shakes/ drinks and been advised only to eat soft foods. I am going to attend university where I'll be studing biomedical science (who knows, one day I may contribute to the cure of this disease :D), I know he is very proud. Thank you for your reply, this thread was a result of early morning over-thinking.

Hi Jo, I am very sorry that you have been affected by this horrid disease. Not only that, but the fact that you are offering someone who is not even affected by this disease support is astounding, it makes me look weak in comparison.

Yeah, the doctors are aware of his current condition and have prescribed all sorts of nutritional shakes/ soups etc. I really wish there was some way I could help him but unlike most of life's problems, which can be somehow resolved by human intervention, this is not one of them :(. I had been offered counselling services by Macmillan (I believe), but turned them down as I don't think I'd feel comfortable speaking face-to-face with someone about this, weird I know.

I wish you the best with everything Jo, thanks for the reply.

Hi Jules, I am very sorry about your husband. Thanks for taking the time to respond, I think I'll probably go ahead as planned with these holidays, as my father wishes. When I get to university, I definitely plan on visiting home as much as possible (seen as it's only about a 40-minute drive away).

Hi again OC,

So glad you've made the decision to go on your holidays - there will be much to talk about with your dad when you get back! 

You are certainly not (in your words) weak in comparison to me. This awful disease affects all those close to the sufferer, not just the patient.

It's reassuring to see you've been offered support even though you didn't take it up. My partner is similar in that he doesn't feel comfortable speaking to others about his feelings, so you're not on your own. But you know it's there if you need it in the future.

And finally, a little phrase that comes to mind, 'By helping you, I'm helping me' ( I think this goes for a lot of us who contribute on the forum.) I only hope my ramblings do help in some small way! ;) 

Take care, enjoy your holiday and good luck with your Uni course! Jo x