How Do I Help My Husband

This is my first discussion thread and l hope l am doing this right. My husband Martin was diagnosed 3 weeks ago with Myeloma after being admitted to hospital suffering from pnemonia, which came as a shock as l have been with him 26yrs in total and he has always been as healthy as the proverbial ox. After successful treatment for pneumonia they kept on doing tests, then more tests, more xrays more this more that, then one day myself and our 2 girls go to visit him and he had been moved to another ward. As l turned onto this ward l saw Oncology written under the name of the ward and my heart stopped. An hour later we had learned that he needed chemotheraphy and a bone marrow transplant and that this cancer will always be with him. It can never be gotten rid of. In one hour our whole lives had changed. So now we are on his 5th day of chemo and things are going as well as can be expected... But.. He keeps getting very short with me, he slams doors and goes into long silences. I understand he is scared and feeling very short changed but this man has been my world for so very long and l so want to help him deal with his demons. He does not like visitors, even close family if l'm being truthful. He knows we all love him  but at the moment that does not seem to be enough. I would very much like some advice from anyone who has been in our shoes.

  • Hi Candacara,

    This is so hard for you and your family. When you have been close to your partner and then this bombshell is dropped you will each deal with it in a different way. Whilst you are probably used to doing everything together and being strong for each other - this situation is different. I well remember the shocking day - my man's birthday - when I got the call and had to tell him it would be months not years. The world stands still for you both. If you just give him a little space to find himself and his "man strategy" you will be able to face it together again. Although from different perspectives. This bit is all about his needs and however hard that feels that is your job for now. On that day , for us I stood in flood of tears expecting he would do the same - but no he calmly said "what's for my dinner then". I refocused made the birthday dinner and from that moment on he set the pace. When I wanted to scream and howl I hid in the garden. Of course it's not enough for him to know how much you love him  - if he is going to have to think about leaving you before he wants to, he has to find his own way through first. Once I realised this was about my man leading the way we were ok - he led I followed and we were able to carry on and make many precious memeories that have kept me strong since.  It may well be your man will have a long remission and you don't have to face losing him for a long while yet. Stay strong - he knows you're there even if it feels like he is taking it out on you.

    sending a virtual hug - i know how much you need one from Martin

    sueps

     

  • Hi Candacara

    I am sorry that yet another family's world is being turned upside down by cancer but wanted to welcome you to this very supportive forum.

    When my husband was diagnosed with incurable cancer he broke the news to me and then we told our adult children.  We had no timeline and it was very frightening. Sadly that was the first day, after 34 years of marriage, that my hubby decided he did not need to talk about things, especially with me and it was like I was married to someone completely different. This was his way of dealing with the emotional side of his illness. Yes it was hard at times but its how he wanted to deal with it so that was it.  I adjusted to his needs as and when the time came, never stopped loving him and supporting him and at times, even still argued with him.  However your husband is feeling at the moment inside he is still the main you love and its the cancer causing the changes.   I took the time to explain to him that I would always be there for him knowing if tables had been turned, he would have done the same for me. I joined the forum for my 'place to talk things through' and am still receiving support which I value greatly.  A little time and space may be all that your husband needs to get his own head around his diagnosis.Of course he knows you love him and that does not change but my husband felt he should be protecting me and the fact that he could not work and provide for me caused him to become withdrawn.He just dealt with it differently to how I expected and a time of adjustment was needed.  Wishing you all the very best at this difficult time.Jules54