Hi ESM

Welcome to the forum and hope you will find it a good place to share feelings. I am sorry to read that your Mum has had cancer return having beaten it once elsewhere.  It is very hard watching those we love having to go through this and from your post you and your brother want to show that love and support. I am wondering how long your Mum has had this new diagnosis and whether she has started or knows yet what her treatment will be.  I am positive she is not trying to push you away but probably needing to come to terms with what is happening all over again and finding it hard to think about much else at the moment. As a Mum (and a wife who has lost her husband to cancer) I think she is trying to protect you as much as possible and am certain the idea of being away from home just now may be frightening to her (my husband spent many months very close to home in the early days of diagnosis as he feared being unwell away from home and was  very tired). If Mum lives alone then perhaps instead of visiting tomorrow you give her a quick call to tell her any news you may have (my husband just wanted normal conversation rather than to talk about his cancer ) and when its time to say cheerio you can just tell her to phone you when she is ready for visitors again as you miss seeing her.  Wishing you well and letus know how things go if you want to.Jules54

That's a tough one.

A large part of me wants to completely agree with Jules and say to respect her wishes and give her some space.

A different but smaller part of me wants to say she may be feeling depressed and needs help in getting out of such a dark space and that at worst just visiting her anyway might be what she needs rather than wants.

 Maybe a compromise would be better? Give her a day or two and then just turn up. If she is obviously relieved to see you you've obviously called it right. If not, don't stay too long just say you needed to see how she was and that you promise you won't stay long. 

When I was very ill I frequently switched in the same day between being too tired and exhausted to stay awake or eat - let alone entertain guests. At other times I was still exhausted but severly bored and in need of company.  

I hope it works out for the best!

Dave

Thanks for your reply Jules.  She has known about the spine for a couple of years, the neck/shoulder and liver are quite new.  I tried to call all day on Saturday and sent texts, but couldn't get hold of her.  She eventually answered the phone to my brother.  Then yesterday, she started sending strange text messages and was incredibly confused, so we had to call a doctor out.  I think I'm going to go and stay for a few days after work tonight.

I'm really sorry to hear about your husband x

Thanks Dave.  The thing is she seems to be up to meeting other friends etc for lunch and things like that, it's just me and my brother that she doesn't want to see which is really hurtful. As per my reply to Jules, I think I'm going to go and stay for a few days tonight.  Her blood cell count is low and the doctor says t hat's not helping, so I will try to stay at least until she has another transfusion.

Hi Sinead

Sorry to hear about your Mum-mine was diagnosed with breast in 2012, but straight after being given the all clear from that she was told about the spine.The neck/shoulder/liver are fairly new, although they are getting concerned it may have spread to her brain.  She is getting an injection once a month and intravenous radiotherapy once a month, and a blood transfusion when necessary.  What doe your mum get?

Hey ESM my mum gets zoladex(cant spell it) injection once a month to stop the oestrogen from feeding the cancer &it spreading any further but at her next onocologist aptment they are going to take her off it as she been on it to long.she not on any other treatment just tabs&pain relief throughoout day.they dabated doing bone graph to help her chunk of bone that is wore away in her foot.but it would be too much of an op&to pin it not option as bone in foot too wk.but we just hada wait and see what next aptment tells us as bowel&throat new concerns for us.but if she likes it or not i land in on her 4/5 times a wk&depending what form she is in dependa how long id stay.just takig it one say at a time&enjoying every moment we have!your mum maybe trying to accept what she has found out&needs the time to digest it all as my mum used to be like that.she went to aptments said all fine then wks later telling us wee bits.so now i go to her o all aptments to see whats goung on&letting her lnow il be on this journey with her!x

Hi

Bless her, its sounds as though maybe medication and low blood count may well be causing her problems/confusion and I am sure she will appreciate having you with her.  When hubby's medication caused some problenms he said things he never remembered and which he found quite upsetting as the last thing he wanted was to upset anyone.  Hope when you see Mum you will have more information to go on and she is lucky to have such caring children. Thank you for your kind words.  Jules

ESM,

Try not to take your Mum's avoiding you and your brother personally - sometimes it is harder to talk to the ones you love than it is with people who aren't so emotionally attached to you. Relative strangers often find it easier to talk about something other than cancer than family, which can be a relief. 

When I was at my worst, the hardest thing to bear was the look of fear and pain in the eyes of my family.
 

Best wishes
Dave