Hi everyone. How are you all?

Sorry I haven't had much time to get on here, just things around the house and things to sort out.. I still feel much the same, sometimes struggle to comprehend she is actually gone.. It's hard to believe she was even here sometimes... Then I feel bad for thinking this?

Back to work next week. Quite worried about it as I have been off for a few weeks now..

How have you all been? Anything new with you guys? Gaff I hope everything is okay for you

xxxx

Good morning Candy,

First of all don't feel bad for finding it hard to believe your Mum was ever here, that is a perfectly normal reaction to be added to the other reactions and emotions you are trying to cope with at the moment.  As I said before, don't try and rush anything just let yourself grieve and cope in your own way and in your own time.

Thanks for asking and things are more or less o.k. right now.  I have been spending the weekend fitting new doors in my house so that I don't have to do it during my time off work which starts in a week.  I am looking forward to a couple of weeks of doing almost nothing except watching t.v. walking and more importantly playing golf.  Work has been so busy and stressful these last few months I really can't wait to take a break.  Speaking of work, good luck with your return next week and I understand how much you must be dreading it.  Will your boss and colleagues break you back in gently or will you be made to work harder to make up for your time off?  I hope they are understanding and can give you a bit of support, at least for a while.

Heading off now to buy new handles for our doors and get them fitted before watching the rugby later on.

Take care Candy and please come back to say how you get on back at work.

Thoughts and hugs - Garf. xxx

Hi Hope, thank you for getting back in touch with me. Sorry i didn't really reply to your earlier messages personally was just popping in on here when i could in between the funeral etc! Will have more time now to reply to everyone as they post ! How have you been?

I'm not sure.. I've never really enjoyed where i work as the people are all so rude and focused on themselves, i think i will use this experience to push myself to look for something new and something i enjoy, give myself something happy to focus on.. A nice new job! I feel the same as you now after a few weeks (only 3 weeks) i feel everyone is slowly forgetting what has happened and how i may be feeling .. The phone calls and messages have stopped.. Your right i am the same as you, i know if anyone close to me a friend or my boyfriend were ever in this situation i would never stop being there for them or checking in on them.. But i guess we are just too kind Hope !

Yes thats what saddens me the most.. The rest of my life without Mum.. Getting married, having children... She will miss it all. But she will always be with me in my heart! I am really dreading Mothers day coming up.. WIll be a sad time

xxxxx

Hi Candy,

Sorry I have not responded sooner. I have read all the latest posts and replies and agree with both Garf and Hope. With regard to your job, I will tell you something someone told me once. He said, If you are not happy in your work then find another job that you do enjoy. For we spend three fifths of or waking day at work and if you don't enjoy what you do, that amount to a heck of a lot of your life being miserable. I worked in a engineering factory for a few months and absolutely hated it. It was one of the best days of my life when I handed my notice in and I put great feeling into telling the foreman who was a nasty piece of work what he could do with his job. My new job paid much less but was work I enjoyed.

Hope is so right in what she said about a part of your mother living on inside of you. I know this is true for it is often the case I say or do something and I realize it's just what my mother would have said or done. I have a sister that my late mother had to give up for adoption when she was only a few weeks old. About twenty years ago, after finding my father in Canada I managed to find her and re-unite her and my mother. They are so similar, both have the same zany sense of humour and say the same things and looking at their wedding dress they were both so similar, it made the hair on my head stand on end. My point is its not only the guidance and wisdom our parents have imparted to us, it's also to do with the genes.

After a few days people feel they shouldnt talk about our loss and they dont expect us to either. The thing is, a lot of us do want to talk about it, and how we feel about losing our loved one. That is one of the good things about this forum in that it gives us somewhere we can talk openly and honestly about how we are feeling for we know people on here will understand and will be there for us.

Anyway Candy, forgive me, I have rambled on enough for one day. Please do take care, best wishes, Brian.

Hi Candy,

Very pleased you managed to survive being back at work especially as it was obviously difficult for you.  As for people seeming to be a little of with you I agree with Hope in that it was probably just them not really knowing how to behave around you or what to say.  When we are suffering the pain of loss our perceptions change and sometimes it can seem as though we are watching the world around us carry on through a murky window and we are not actually a part of it. At least that's how I saw things and still do sometimes.  Also to lose your Mum at such a young age will make it so much more difficult because, as you say you have so much more of your life to live that she won't be a part of but I am sure she will be with you through every step of the rest of your life.

The door fitting went pretty well on Saturday which meant I got to sit in my garden in the sun on Sunday afternoon and watch Wales lose to England in the rugby.  As a Welshman this was very dissapointing but at least it was a nice day.  I hope to do very little during my time off except go for walks, watch a film or three and hopefully play plenty of golf but I still have another week to wait.

Good luck with the job hunting Candy, I am sure you will find something better soon.

All the best, Garf. xxx

Hi Candy,

No need for apologies of not replying directly on here, we all understand each others feeling perfectly as well as the time constraints this dreadful disease puts on us. I do agree with Brian in that if you are unhappy in your job then change, life is too short for regrets.  However, I would say take your time and wait until you truly feel ready.  I attended hospice memorials for both my parents where a reverend gave a very good speech on grief, in it he said don't make any major decisions for up to 9 months because our minds are too muddled.  Of course we are all different and if you feel ready then that's great, however I am now 1 year with Dad and 7 months with Mum down the line and I can honestly say I feel his advice was correct for me.  Sometimes I think I can deal with things and then other times I'm still a mess; even when I feel OK I still find silly little things reduce me to a heap very quickly.  So what I'm trying to say is go with how you feel and let your heart guide you to making decisions. Perhaps having a new focus in itself could be healing.  I know that the pain of losing our parents will be with us forever, but hopefully the intensity of that pain will decrease in time.  Take care and keep in touch.  Hope x

Hi again Brian, oh thats no problem don't worry about it ! Yes i have been unhappy in my job for quite a few years not if im honest been working here since i left school and think now is the time to really get my head down and look for something. Yes i remember you telling me the story about your family, its amazing you did that for them! I have a few friends who live out in Canada

Yeah your right.. As i've said i feel like the txts and phonecalls are slowly going away and feel like i am expected to just be getting on with it now.. Which no one ever will!

But i know eventually the pain will ease and i'll be able to remember my mum with happy thoughts instead of feeling sad.. Right now i feel my brain is blocking me from thinking of her too much

xxxxxxxxx

Hi Garf

Being back at work is actually going ok now, its helping keep my mind busy! Although i still do feel the same in regards to this being the time to look for a new job. I have been unhappy here for quite a while now and think now is the time to get my head down and start looking! I know what you mean about not being a part of the world sometimes.. With me i almost feel myself getting annoyed that everyone is happy and carrying on with their lives around me while i have just lost my mum, but of course its not fair for me to expect otherwise... I must say after initally moaning about him, my boyfriend has really stepped up and is doing his best to spend time with me and cheer me up!

Glad to hear the door fitting went well, now you can relax next week! We are starting to get the nice weather up here in Scotland, although its still pretty nippy outside the sun is shining! Makes getting up in the morning that bit easier, even if i do have to scrape the ice off my car !

xxxxxx

Hi Hope

Yes i will be taking the job search slow and looking into it properly. I have been unhappy here for a very long time now and feel this is the right time to make a change! I am feeling a bit better as the week goes on, its good to keep my mind busy at work although i still miss her of course, at night seems to be the worst when im on my own. My boyfriend is doing his best to cheer me up, taking me to the zoo on sunday! Well if our rubbish Scottish weather allows us to that is !

xxxx

Hi Candy,

Glad to read that you are feeling fairly positive about things just now and that your boyfriend is really supportive.  Good luck with reviewing a new job.  Take each day at a time as grief has this way of creeping up on us when we least expect it.  Hope xx

Candy I am so pleased that you are getting good support from your boyfriend now,  I guess at the beginning he just didn't know how to help you.  Also it really does sound like you are more than ready to find another job and I hope you are in an area where they are not too hard to come by.

The weather has been great here too for the last few days and I am hoping it stays while I am off work.  I too have had to scrape my car in the morning but only a couple of times and I am certainly not used to having to do it since I have become a "Southern Softy".  Coming from North Wales I was used to bitterly cold winters but now, after ten years of living on the south coast I feel the cold more than I ever did, and of course it has nothing to do with getting a tiny bit older.

You sound a little more positive right now and that is very good to see and to be honest you have perked me up a bit during another somewhat difficult day at work.

Sending best wishes as always.

Garf. xx

Evening Garf!

Yeah I'm glad too, he said he sat one night imagining how it would be for me and imagining the support he would need.. So I guess that made him realise how upset I was etc. Yep I am more than ready to start looking for something new, I am office work so should be ok to slot into another job!

That's good you are getting the sunshine as well! I love waking up to a sunny frost morning, always looks so pretty! Fingers crossed it continues into next week so you can go some nice walks on your week off! Do you have a dog? I love walking my dog in the sunshine! Haha yes it surely will have nothing to do with your age, nothing at all! I'm also used to the cold being from scotland lol! So much so that whenever I go abroad I find the heat almost unbearable ha!

I do feel positive just now but I'm under no illusions i know there will be up and downs, just need to take each feeling and mood as it comes. Awww how sweet I'm glad I could perk your day up! Bedtime for me, goodnight take care

xxxx

Evening Garf!

Yeah I'm glad too, he said he sat one night imagining how it would be for me and imagining the support he would need.. So I guess that made him realise how upset I was etc. Yep I am more than ready to start looking for something new, I am office work so should be ok to slot into another job!

That's good you are getting the sunshine as well! I love waking up to a sunny frost morning, always looks so pretty! Fingers crossed it continues into next week so you can go some nice walks on your week off! Do you have a dog? I love walking my dog in the sunshine! Haha yes it surely will have nothing to do with your age, nothing at all! I'm also used to the cold being from scotland lol! So much so that whenever I go abroad I find the heat almost unbearable ha!

I do feel positive just now but I'm under no illusions i know there will be up and downs, just need to take each feeling and mood as it comes. Awww how sweet I'm glad I could perk your day up! Bedtime for me, goodnight take care

xxxx

Hi Candy,

I hope you are still feeling better within yourself today and I just wanted to tell you something that happened to me yesterday that then made me think of you.

My wife and I were watching a programme last night called "You Saw Them Here First" where T.V. actors are made to watch footage of their earlier appearances on the screen.  Now this programme will have been before your time but it was a clip of a programme from the early eighties called "SHOESTRING".  As soon as I saw the clip I started laughing and my wife was a little confused as to why until I told her that as soon as I saw what programme it was I heard my Dad calling it by the title he had given it - "BOOT-LACE".

Candy my Dad was my hero and I miss him every day but it is nice that a memory of him can sometimes make me smile and not cry and I have no doubt the same will happen for you.  You will find a way to deal with it in time!

Wishing you a peaceful and slightly less frosty weekend.

Garf. xxx

Hi Garf. Sorry to let you down but sadly I'm having a rubbish time today. Been a stressful day and feeling upset tonight.. Been having a little cry!

I just miss her so much and feel so angry her last months of life were spent in pain! I hate cancer so much no one should need to deal with it!

Haha that is a funny story about your dad

Sorry such a terrible reply but feeling really sad

xxxx

Sorry to take so long with this Candy but I have been so busy trying to sort stuff out at work in time for my holiday and also work on my doors at home I haven't touched my computer until now.

I am so sorry that you are feeling so low again but it is to be expected.  It is fine to be angry at cancer for what it did to your Mum as I feel exactly the same for what it did to my Dad and several others.  I am not a religious person but even so I look on cancer as pure evil and something that could be the work of the devil.  It certainly seems to pick on the good people of the world and leave the cruel and heartless people alone.  

I wish I could do something more to help you because I know exactly what you are feeling but all I can offer is the virtual ear and shoulder of someone who understands. If you want to cry then cry, if you want to be angry then be angry but it would be good if you had something to release that anger on, even if you could be at home alone and throw a few punches at your couch.  I have done that a couple of times when I have been at home on my own and it has helped.

Look after yourself Candy and please let me know how you are doing or ask any questions that you think I may be able to answer.

All the very best to you.

Garf. xxxx

Hi Garf! Today will be the start of your week off.. Are you excited?! I know i would be !

Thank you, i think Friday was just another down day.. It comes and goes as i am sure you will know! My boyfriend must think im crazy lol.. One minute im crying the next im laughing my head off lol! But i know he understands and just leaves me to it! Im finding recently that images will just pop into my head of times i seen mum in pain, or getting injections by the nurses and being hurt.. And it makes me really sad, i hate that i will be stuck with these images forever!

One horrible image is of the day she died.. Im not sure if i told you all this but we were all actually with her when she passed away..And i just keep remembering how horrible it was. Hours of her struggling for breath with us all around her, eventually the nurses gave her a sedative (i think im not sure exactly what it was) which was to help ease it a bit as she would've been hurting gasping for that much breath.. All this was bad enough but then the nurse in the room with us noticed she had a tear which rolled down her cheek just after this she took her last breath.. This memory haunts me as i feel she was crying because she knew she was going

Sorry getting upset recalling this lol! You are doing loads to help me dont worry about that.. Its great to have someone to talk to

xxxxxxxx

Good morning Candy,

It is not surprising that you are being haunted by those images of your Mum during her last hours and minutes and at least in this respect I don't know what that is like because Dad died before I could get to North Wales to say goodbye.  My sister was with him at the end and I intend to speak to her about it when I visit in July but she did phone me one evening a few weeks after he died.  She was really upset and said that she felt really guilty for leaving him behind in the room after he had died.  These memeories must be so difficult to cope with but I have no doubt that, although they will always be with you they will eventually be replaced with happy memories.   My wife was with her grandmother when she passed away a few years ago but the memories of those final moments rarely come to her now.  It also seems like your boyfriend is still giving you exactly the support you need and fair play to him for that.

Yes I am excited about my time off but it always takes me a day or two to get my head out of work mode because I worry if there is something I have forgotten to do before leaving.  I am sure a game of golf will soon cure me of that though.

Wishing you the best as always.

Garf. xxx

Evening Garf

I understand what your sister means when she said she felt guilty about leaving your dad behind. I also felt the same, although I must admit I did feel strange sitting in the room with my mum when she had passed away. After she had passed the nurses asked us to step out the room so they could do one final care. When we returned they had changed her and put a teddy we had bought her next to her along with a flower.. It was a nice gesture but I have to say I found it all hard to take. And i haven't told anyone this but when I had a minute alone with her I actually gave her hand a little shake and squeeze expecting her to wake up I just hate this all I wish she was still here, I miss her so much :(!!!!

Hi Candy,

Just a quick message to see how you are doing today.

Sgueezing your Mum's hand and hoping that she wakes up sounds like a perfectly normal thing to me.

Sorry this is so short but something has just turned up and I have to go.

Take care.

Garf. xxxxx

Hi

I must say I am having another bad night, been pretty upset again.. Just letting everything get to me! Thank you for checking in on me

Hope everything is ok and you haven't had to rush off due to anything serious, talk soon

xxxx

Sorry about that Candy and no it wasn't for anything serious.

You say you are letting everything get to you and I'm afraid that it will for quite a while yet as the loss of your Mum is still very much an open wound and extremely painful.  For several weeks after Dad died I would actually talk to him and ask him questions about something completely ordinary that had or was happening at the time and I could hear his voice in my head answer me.  Obviously I only did this when I was on my own but it gave me some comfort while the pain was still very raw.  Also I will be talking to someone or respond to a question and when I answer it comes out in Dad's voice.  I really like it when that happens because it lets me know what would have been going through his mind when remembering him say the same words.  I hope that makes sense.

Listen out for your Mum as you go through the everyday things and I hope you will hear her more often than you may think. I am also part way through something to help me deal with losing Dad but I will explain that later.

Hugs to you and a virtual handshake to your boyfriend for the support he has given you.

Garf. xxx

Morning Garf, no worries!

I am feeling a little better today thankfully but i know it will be up and down for quite a while. Im sorry but i had a wee chuckle there when you said obviously you only did that when alone lol, i can imagine you doing it in public and getting some strange looks ha! Wow thats an unusual thing to happen, i hope i experience stuff like that!

For me right now the pain i am feeling is more down to imagining what mum went through and her dealing with it on her own rather than pain from actually missing her (which i of course do). Like i have said before she was very independent and never asked for help so she dealt with much of it on her own and im finding this hard to get over, keep beating myself up wishing i had been there more! I look forward to hearing about what you are half way through!

Thank you, hugs to you and your family!

xxxxxx