Good morning Candy,

First of all don't feel bad for finding it hard to believe your Mum was ever here, that is a perfectly normal reaction to be added to the other reactions and emotions you are trying to cope with at the moment.  As I said before, don't try and rush anything just let yourself grieve and cope in your own way and in your own time.

Thanks for asking and things are more or less o.k. right now.  I have been spending the weekend fitting new doors in my house so that I don't have to do it during my time off work which starts in a week.  I am looking forward to a couple of weeks of doing almost nothing except watching t.v. walking and more importantly playing golf.  Work has been so busy and stressful these last few months I really can't wait to take a break.  Speaking of work, good luck with your return next week and I understand how much you must be dreading it.  Will your boss and colleagues break you back in gently or will you be made to work harder to make up for your time off?  I hope they are understanding and can give you a bit of support, at least for a while.

Heading off now to buy new handles for our doors and get them fitted before watching the rugby later on.

Take care Candy and please come back to say how you get on back at work.

Thoughts and hugs - Garf. xxx

Hi Garf and everyone else.. I have survived my first day back at work.. Just! Can't help but feel people were a bit off with me for having a few weeks off...

Yes I feel like my brain is trying to protect me from overthinking.. I will be fine then suddenly remember something about her and the wave of pain is unbearable... I can't imagine ever getting over losing her! Also I think because I'm only 20 I've got so much more of my life to live and she won't be here for any of it miss her so much !

How did the door fitting go? Do you have much planned for your time off? It's amazing how good it feels knowing you are coming up to time off work!

xxx

Hi Candy,

Glad you survived your first day back at work, I do think work does provide a little distraction, however your loss will never be far from the front of your mind at the moment, it is too early.  I expect people at work weren't really off, just probably didn't know what to say; however I understand how that feels as for me I would sooner people say something.  I often feel like some people think I should be OK now as time has passed, however I do think maybe that is just my perception of things as I watch people carry on with their normality expecting me to be part of it.  Candy you will never "get over" your loss you will just adjust, that adjustment takes time and I can tell you that I am still struggling adjusting a lot further down the line than you are, so be kind to yourself.  Grief depends on the kind of relationship you had with the person as well as the kind of person you are yourself.  I have learnt a lot about myself on my journey, I have realised that I'm a sensitive person and that I really care about people, maybe that makes my journey even more difficult but I wouldn't really want to be less sensitive or caring.  I think you may be the same kind of person too.  You are so very young and I undersand what you say about living so much of your life without your Mum.  However as you go through your life you will have happy experiences ahead that will fulfill your life and I know your Mum will be watching over you and will be wanting you to be happy.  Please keep in touch.  Hope xx

Hi Hope, thank you for getting back in touch with me. Sorry i didn't really reply to your earlier messages personally was just popping in on here when i could in between the funeral etc! Will have more time now to reply to everyone as they post ! How have you been?

I'm not sure.. I've never really enjoyed where i work as the people are all so rude and focused on themselves, i think i will use this experience to push myself to look for something new and something i enjoy, give myself something happy to focus on.. A nice new job! I feel the same as you now after a few weeks (only 3 weeks) i feel everyone is slowly forgetting what has happened and how i may be feeling .. The phone calls and messages have stopped.. Your right i am the same as you, i know if anyone close to me a friend or my boyfriend were ever in this situation i would never stop being there for them or checking in on them.. But i guess we are just too kind Hope !

Yes thats what saddens me the most.. The rest of my life without Mum.. Getting married, having children... She will miss it all. But she will always be with me in my heart! I am really dreading Mothers day coming up.. WIll be a sad time

xxxxx

Hi Candy,

Sorry I have not responded sooner. I have read all the latest posts and replies and agree with both Garf and Hope. With regard to your job, I will tell you something someone told me once. He said, If you are not happy in your work then find another job that you do enjoy. For we spend three fifths of or waking day at work and if you don't enjoy what you do, that amount to a heck of a lot of your life being miserable. I worked in a engineering factory for a few months and absolutely hated it. It was one of the best days of my life when I handed my notice in and I put great feeling into telling the foreman who was a nasty piece of work what he could do with his job. My new job paid much less but was work I enjoyed.

Hope is so right in what she said about a part of your mother living on inside of you. I know this is true for it is often the case I say or do something and I realize it's just what my mother would have said or done. I have a sister that my late mother had to give up for adoption when she was only a few weeks old. About twenty years ago, after finding my father in Canada I managed to find her and re-unite her and my mother. They are so similar, both have the same zany sense of humour and say the same things and looking at their wedding dress they were both so similar, it made the hair on my head stand on end. My point is its not only the guidance and wisdom our parents have imparted to us, it's also to do with the genes.

After a few days people feel they shouldnt talk about our loss and they dont expect us to either. The thing is, a lot of us do want to talk about it, and how we feel about losing our loved one. That is one of the good things about this forum in that it gives us somewhere we can talk openly and honestly about how we are feeling for we know people on here will understand and will be there for us.

Anyway Candy, forgive me, I have rambled on enough for one day. Please do take care, best wishes, Brian.

Hi Candy,

Very pleased you managed to survive being back at work especially as it was obviously difficult for you.  As for people seeming to be a little of with you I agree with Hope in that it was probably just them not really knowing how to behave around you or what to say.  When we are suffering the pain of loss our perceptions change and sometimes it can seem as though we are watching the world around us carry on through a murky window and we are not actually a part of it. At least that's how I saw things and still do sometimes.  Also to lose your Mum at such a young age will make it so much more difficult because, as you say you have so much more of your life to live that she won't be a part of but I am sure she will be with you through every step of the rest of your life.

The door fitting went pretty well on Saturday which meant I got to sit in my garden in the sun on Sunday afternoon and watch Wales lose to England in the rugby.  As a Welshman this was very dissapointing but at least it was a nice day.  I hope to do very little during my time off except go for walks, watch a film or three and hopefully play plenty of golf but I still have another week to wait.

Good luck with the job hunting Candy, I am sure you will find something better soon.

All the best, Garf. xxx

Hi Candy,

No need for apologies of not replying directly on here, we all understand each others feeling perfectly as well as the time constraints this dreadful disease puts on us. I do agree with Brian in that if you are unhappy in your job then change, life is too short for regrets.  However, I would say take your time and wait until you truly feel ready.  I attended hospice memorials for both my parents where a reverend gave a very good speech on grief, in it he said don't make any major decisions for up to 9 months because our minds are too muddled.  Of course we are all different and if you feel ready then that's great, however I am now 1 year with Dad and 7 months with Mum down the line and I can honestly say I feel his advice was correct for me.  Sometimes I think I can deal with things and then other times I'm still a mess; even when I feel OK I still find silly little things reduce me to a heap very quickly.  So what I'm trying to say is go with how you feel and let your heart guide you to making decisions. Perhaps having a new focus in itself could be healing.  I know that the pain of losing our parents will be with us forever, but hopefully the intensity of that pain will decrease in time.  Take care and keep in touch.  Hope x

Hi again Brian, oh thats no problem don't worry about it ! Yes i have been unhappy in my job for quite a few years not if im honest been working here since i left school and think now is the time to really get my head down and look for something. Yes i remember you telling me the story about your family, its amazing you did that for them! I have a few friends who live out in Canada

Yeah your right.. As i've said i feel like the txts and phonecalls are slowly going away and feel like i am expected to just be getting on with it now.. Which no one ever will!

But i know eventually the pain will ease and i'll be able to remember my mum with happy thoughts instead of feeling sad.. Right now i feel my brain is blocking me from thinking of her too much

xxxxxxxxx

Hi Garf

Being back at work is actually going ok now, its helping keep my mind busy! Although i still do feel the same in regards to this being the time to look for a new job. I have been unhappy here for quite a while now and think now is the time to get my head down and start looking! I know what you mean about not being a part of the world sometimes.. With me i almost feel myself getting annoyed that everyone is happy and carrying on with their lives around me while i have just lost my mum, but of course its not fair for me to expect otherwise... I must say after initally moaning about him, my boyfriend has really stepped up and is doing his best to spend time with me and cheer me up!

Glad to hear the door fitting went well, now you can relax next week! We are starting to get the nice weather up here in Scotland, although its still pretty nippy outside the sun is shining! Makes getting up in the morning that bit easier, even if i do have to scrape the ice off my car !

xxxxxx