Candy I am so pleased that you are getting good support from your boyfriend now,  I guess at the beginning he just didn't know how to help you.  Also it really does sound like you are more than ready to find another job and I hope you are in an area where they are not too hard to come by.

The weather has been great here too for the last few days and I am hoping it stays while I am off work.  I too have had to scrape my car in the morning but only a couple of times and I am certainly not used to having to do it since I have become a "Southern Softy".  Coming from North Wales I was used to bitterly cold winters but now, after ten years of living on the south coast I feel the cold more than I ever did, and of course it has nothing to do with getting a tiny bit older.

You sound a little more positive right now and that is very good to see and to be honest you have perked me up a bit during another somewhat difficult day at work.

Sending best wishes as always.

Garf. xx

Evening Garf!

Yeah I'm glad too, he said he sat one night imagining how it would be for me and imagining the support he would need.. So I guess that made him realise how upset I was etc. Yep I am more than ready to start looking for something new, I am office work so should be ok to slot into another job!

That's good you are getting the sunshine as well! I love waking up to a sunny frost morning, always looks so pretty! Fingers crossed it continues into next week so you can go some nice walks on your week off! Do you have a dog? I love walking my dog in the sunshine! Haha yes it surely will have nothing to do with your age, nothing at all! I'm also used to the cold being from scotland lol! So much so that whenever I go abroad I find the heat almost unbearable ha!

I do feel positive just now but I'm under no illusions i know there will be up and downs, just need to take each feeling and mood as it comes. Awww how sweet I'm glad I could perk your day up! Bedtime for me, goodnight take care

xxxx

Hi Candy,

I hope you are still feeling better within yourself today and I just wanted to tell you something that happened to me yesterday that then made me think of you.

My wife and I were watching a programme last night called "You Saw Them Here First" where T.V. actors are made to watch footage of their earlier appearances on the screen.  Now this programme will have been before your time but it was a clip of a programme from the early eighties called "SHOESTRING".  As soon as I saw the clip I started laughing and my wife was a little confused as to why until I told her that as soon as I saw what programme it was I heard my Dad calling it by the title he had given it - "BOOT-LACE".

Candy my Dad was my hero and I miss him every day but it is nice that a memory of him can sometimes make me smile and not cry and I have no doubt the same will happen for you.  You will find a way to deal with it in time!

Wishing you a peaceful and slightly less frosty weekend.

Garf. xxx

Hi Garf. Sorry to let you down but sadly I'm having a rubbish time today. Been a stressful day and feeling upset tonight.. Been having a little cry!

I just miss her so much and feel so angry her last months of life were spent in pain! I hate cancer so much no one should need to deal with it!

Haha that is a funny story about your dad

Sorry such a terrible reply but feeling really sad

xxxx

Sorry to take so long with this Candy but I have been so busy trying to sort stuff out at work in time for my holiday and also work on my doors at home I haven't touched my computer until now.

I am so sorry that you are feeling so low again but it is to be expected.  It is fine to be angry at cancer for what it did to your Mum as I feel exactly the same for what it did to my Dad and several others.  I am not a religious person but even so I look on cancer as pure evil and something that could be the work of the devil.  It certainly seems to pick on the good people of the world and leave the cruel and heartless people alone.  

I wish I could do something more to help you because I know exactly what you are feeling but all I can offer is the virtual ear and shoulder of someone who understands. If you want to cry then cry, if you want to be angry then be angry but it would be good if you had something to release that anger on, even if you could be at home alone and throw a few punches at your couch.  I have done that a couple of times when I have been at home on my own and it has helped.

Look after yourself Candy and please let me know how you are doing or ask any questions that you think I may be able to answer.

All the very best to you.

Garf. xxxx

Hi Garf! Today will be the start of your week off.. Are you excited?! I know i would be !

Thank you, i think Friday was just another down day.. It comes and goes as i am sure you will know! My boyfriend must think im crazy lol.. One minute im crying the next im laughing my head off lol! But i know he understands and just leaves me to it! Im finding recently that images will just pop into my head of times i seen mum in pain, or getting injections by the nurses and being hurt.. And it makes me really sad, i hate that i will be stuck with these images forever!

One horrible image is of the day she died.. Im not sure if i told you all this but we were all actually with her when she passed away..And i just keep remembering how horrible it was. Hours of her struggling for breath with us all around her, eventually the nurses gave her a sedative (i think im not sure exactly what it was) which was to help ease it a bit as she would've been hurting gasping for that much breath.. All this was bad enough but then the nurse in the room with us noticed she had a tear which rolled down her cheek just after this she took her last breath.. This memory haunts me as i feel she was crying because she knew she was going

Sorry getting upset recalling this lol! You are doing loads to help me dont worry about that.. Its great to have someone to talk to

xxxxxxxx

Good morning Candy,

It is not surprising that you are being haunted by those images of your Mum during her last hours and minutes and at least in this respect I don't know what that is like because Dad died before I could get to North Wales to say goodbye.  My sister was with him at the end and I intend to speak to her about it when I visit in July but she did phone me one evening a few weeks after he died.  She was really upset and said that she felt really guilty for leaving him behind in the room after he had died.  These memeories must be so difficult to cope with but I have no doubt that, although they will always be with you they will eventually be replaced with happy memories.   My wife was with her grandmother when she passed away a few years ago but the memories of those final moments rarely come to her now.  It also seems like your boyfriend is still giving you exactly the support you need and fair play to him for that.

Yes I am excited about my time off but it always takes me a day or two to get my head out of work mode because I worry if there is something I have forgotten to do before leaving.  I am sure a game of golf will soon cure me of that though.

Wishing you the best as always.

Garf. xxx

Evening Garf

I understand what your sister means when she said she felt guilty about leaving your dad behind. I also felt the same, although I must admit I did feel strange sitting in the room with my mum when she had passed away. After she had passed the nurses asked us to step out the room so they could do one final care. When we returned they had changed her and put a teddy we had bought her next to her along with a flower.. It was a nice gesture but I have to say I found it all hard to take. And i haven't told anyone this but when I had a minute alone with her I actually gave her hand a little shake and squeeze expecting her to wake up I just hate this all I wish she was still here, I miss her so much :(!!!!

Hi Candy,

Just a quick message to see how you are doing today.

Sgueezing your Mum's hand and hoping that she wakes up sounds like a perfectly normal thing to me.

Sorry this is so short but something has just turned up and I have to go.

Take care.

Garf. xxxxx