Just to let you all know been told she has only a matter of weeks left

Hi Candy

Sorry I am only getting back to you now.  My hours at work have all been changed.  I am so sorry to hear the update on your mum Candy and my heart goes out to you and your family. You are all in my prayers.  Sometimes you wonder why but suppose we have to hold on to the power of prayer don't we.  I have asked myself that many times.

It is going to be a tough few weeks for you all.

I read you are worried about work.  Just explain to your employer what the consultant has told you and if he/she has any compassion they will understand fully how you feel.

Spend as much time as you can with your mum Candy because nobody knows the hold this cruel evil disease has on people.

Don't be worrying about having to reply Candy because I know you have enough to cope with at the moment.  I will be checking in to see how you are coping.

Constantly in my thoughts Candy

Take care and look after yourself (hugs)

Mickied

Hi Mickied thanks for getting back in touch!

I know I am in shock by the latest news, very hard to take in. I think I somehow always believed she would get better.. She bounced back last year in August when they originally told us about it spreading, they said a matter of weeks then but she was given steroids and that was her stronger until now! Thank you for keeping us in your prayers.. Although situations like this make me doubt there is anything good out there..

I have phoned my work today and told them she's now in the hospice and we've been told a few days.. Will see what happens! I said to Brian about how nice the staff are at the hospice it's amazing! Glad to know she's in such genuinely caring hands!

xxxx

Hi Candy

My husband always thought his father would beat cancer because they used to sit and joke and laugh where I would have been sitting heartbroken suppose they were all trying to remain positive.

To be honest with you Candy I think I took his passing worse than his own two daughters did.  I would have visited him at home several times a week and brought him fresh cream buns because he had a terrible sweet tooth like myself where they just contacted him over the phone a few times during the week.

You are right Candy about the power of prayer at times like this sometimes I question myself why do these cruel things happen to the good people in this world when you look round at the evil that is going on at present - it does make you wonder.

I have heard from others about the staff at various hospices and how they are completely different to the ones you come across at hospitals and their dedication towards cancer patients.

I will check in on Monday if I get a chance Candy to see how you are.  I will be thinking about you all weekend and stay strong wee friend.

Hugs Candy

Mickied

Hi Candy,

You haven't posted for a few days so I just wanted to see how you are doing and I hope everything is o.k.

Garf. x

Hi Garf, Brian & Mickied. My apologies I haven't replied to you In a while have been at the hospice most of the time. Glad to say mum is still with us despite being told she only had a few days left.. Although this doesn't mean I'm under any false pretences, I know it will happen sometime soon but nice to have extra time.. What can I say hmmm thinking of what happened over the weekend?... Thursday night she was a little out of it and sleeping most of the time we were there, this gave us a chance to chat to the nurses and introduce ourselves. Friday I stayed off work and spent the day and night there, she was a lot brighter chatting away to us, much the same on Saturday. Eating all her dinner which is good, as she didn't eat much at the hospital. Sunday she was a bit like Thursday, sleeping on and off. The nurses said she had a rough night, waking up not feeling well etc.. Back to work today so I will go to the hospice tonight and see how she is

Like I said before the nurses at the hospice are great, such a difference to the nurses at the hospital. You can just tell these nurses really care and want to help the patients out. Feel much better knowing she is in their hands. They are very friendly to us and other visitors too and feel you can ask them questions etc! So on the hole everything is much better. And of course I don't want to lose my mum but knowing she will be safe there when it does happen makes me feel reassured..

On the work front I just feel a bit better coming in and keeping some normality for now, yes I'd like to be there all the time for my mum but I don't want to be off when I don't 100% need to be. I have my phone with me and am only 10 mins from the hospice so should anything happen I can be there quickly. I will just try to keep a routine for now and go down the other route when needed!

How are you all keeping?

xxx

Hi Candy,

So glad your Mum is more comfortable now and that the hospice is taking such good care of her.  Also glad that as a result you are feeling a little better too.

Having a bit of a long day as it happens.  As a manager at work I and other managers had to serve food and drink at the Christmas staff party last night.  Not sure giving them a free bar was such a good idea and so there was much drunkeness and potential embarrassment for people to think about today.  The party finished at midnight but with stragglers hanging on I didn't get to bed until 2.30am.  Starting to feel that lack of sleep now but it's home time for me in just a couple of hours where I will try not to fall asleep in front of the t.v.

Have you been able to find out what you are entitled to at work regarding time off?

Garf. x

Hi Candy,

So glad your Mum is more comfortable now and that the hospice is taking such good care of her.  Also glad that as a result you are feeling a little better too.

Having a bit of a long day as it happens.  As a manager at work I and other managers had to serve food and drink at the Christmas staff party last night.  Not sure giving them a free bar was such a good idea and so there was much drunkeness and potential embarrassment for people to think about today.  The party finished at midnight but with stragglers hanging on I didn't get to bed until 2.30am.  Starting to feel that lack of sleep now but it's home time for me in just a couple of hours where I will try not to fall asleep in front of the t.v.

Have you been able to find out what you are entitled to at work regarding time off?

Garf. x

Hey Garf!

Yeah I'm glad too, makes such a difference when they get good care, can see even she appreciates it! Ha your reply about the office party made me giggle! I bet there is a few sore heads around the office today! Awk go on allow yourself to fall asleep in front of the tv! Nothing better than doing that on a Monday night lol! I will be doing the same when I get back from the hospice!

No I haven't discussed it with my boss yet. I'm thinking I will just deal with it when it comes to that time.. No point stressing over it just now!

Did you have a nice weekend?

xxx

Not a bad weekend thanks Candy although Sunday was spent simply watching the clock waiting for tea time when I had to go back to work for the party.  I actualy have to go to another party in Birmingham on Friday which fortunately I don't have to work at but it's a posh do that won't finish until at least 2.00am and then a four hour mini bus ride home after breakfast.  I'm afraid I'm not really looking forward to it but it will be something to talk about at work for a day or two afterward.

By the time you read this you will have been to visit your Mum again and I just hope she is still comfortable.  I don't blame you for not worrying about speaking to your boss just yet.  As you say there is no point in possibly giving yourself more stress than you already have.

Take care and speak soon.

Garf. xx

Oh I'm sure you'll find yourself enjoying the party when you are there! Although the bus journey might not be so fun after a night of drinking lol!! Yes I'm sure there will be many stories to be told in work the days after it!

Mum seems ok in the hospice, doesn't seem to be in any pain. Although she does talk a lot of nonsense most of the time them laughs at herself which is funny lol! Think the hairdresser is coming to do her hair for her sometime this week which will be nice!

Talking about work.. I have made the decision to come in and work as normal for now and go to the hospice afterwards, my sister however has been off so far this week and planning to take the rest off.. My work aren't as lenient as here and I can't help but think she's making little digs at me about working as normal..

Do you think it's wrong of me to be in work??

xxx

Hi Candy,

I don't think you are wrong at all for being at work, after all we hope that your Mum will be around for as long as possible and if your workplace is not as lenient as where your sister works then you have no alternative.  If you think your sister is having a dig at you then maybe just talk to her quietly as it may just seem that way.  She is after all as upset as you I have no doubt and so may be projecting a little of her anger and frustration onto you without realizing it.  Do you have a close relationship with her?

It's strange that you say your Mum laughs at herself when she talks nonsense which is great for you both because when Dad found it hard to communicate he would get very frustrated.

To go back to the work topic you have to try and find a balance between what you feel is right for you and what is practical.  I have no doubt your Mum would be upset with you if you put your job at risk when they are so hard to come by as it is.  If you are seeing her every day after work or evenings then I really wouldn't give it a second thought.

Garf.xxx

Hi Candy,

Sorry to but in on your conversation with Garf but I was reading your post and felt I had to comment about your work dilemma.  Cancer affects not only the patient but all who love them and it is very important that those caring still keep some balance to their lives, otherwise I think we wouldn't be able to carry on. My parents both died of cancer very quickly from diagnosis last year both within 5 months of each other; I work part-time and I took some time off during their illness but also went to work too.  For me it was a coping mechanism; work offered me some normality and kept me sane to face the things that lay ahead. You have to do what is right for you and it sounds to me that you are supporting your Mum very well.  Also nobody can ever really tell when it is the end, not even the professionals.  When my Mum died I knew we were coming to the end, but the question "how long" nobody could answer.  The fact was that she went into a hospice (who were wonderful) and even the Doctors there couldn't say. I stayed all day and left in the evening after they had told me they would start a new drug the following morning; then in the early hours I got a call to say she had passed away.  So what I'm trying to say to you is that you can only do your best, and you have to be kind to yourself and accept that you are doing your best.  Thinking of you.  Hope23 x

Hi Garf!

Thanks, i think im just worrying myself over it! Of course id like to spend all my time with her but sadly i have to keep the money coming in or the bills will pile up..I did say to her but she said she isn't having digs so who knows... Also my mum gets very tired if people are there all day and night, so me being at work does give her a bit of a break as well. Gives her a bit of rest in between and then i go vist from about 5 until 9 or earlier than 5 if i can get there...

I think she laughs it off so not to get annoyed or frustrated like you say.. Or maybe not to show us that she is ?

I find myself coping better if i keep my routine. And i dont want to be taking time off when its not 100% needed, whereas when i do need it off i can say look i came in and did my hours when most people would've taken it off so i am entitled to this time off now.. I will figure it out i guess

xxxx

Hi Hope

Don't be silly your more than welcome to have your input !

I do remember speaking to you before when i posted back in August about my mum, i remember your story well. Your right i do feel like i need to keep some balance and normallity otherwise i feel like i will go crazy thinking about when she is going to die. I like to come in to work, keep busy during the day and go visit her straight from my work. I am usually there by 5 at the latest. Which is only a couple of hours after visiting time really begins so i dont feel i am doing anything wrong by continuing my work. I feel i am doing the right thing by me & my boss, when i do need the time off at least it will look like i did make the effort to come in and work when i could've said i need time off

Your right i know the doctors cant give an exact time but the change in days and weeks were being told is confusing..Im sorry to hear that your mum passed away so quickly. Especially when they were going to try a new drug

How did you cope with such a big loss?

xxxx

Dear Candy,

Hun you can only do things as you think best both for yourself and others.

You take care of yourself so that you can be there for your Mum when she needs you.

hugs

Annabel. xx

Hi Candy,

I'm glad that you are coping the best you can and are able to visit your Mum often.  As I said ,you have to do what you think is right and it is important to strike a balance.  You asked how I coped with such a big loss, the answer is I really don't know.  It was very hard especially as I am an only child.  My Dad died 3 weeks after diagnosis in March and my Mum died 9 weeks after diagnosis in August.  I won't lie, the pain was and still is at times undescribable, but time has eased the severity of the pain a little.  Although it felt like my world had ended I am lucky to have a hubby and 2 wonderful sons to support me and they gave me a reason to look to the future.

There is no easy way to lose somebody we love and grief is such a roller-coaster of emotions.  I fully remember the time I joined this site and the pain I was feeling going through what you are currently experiencing so if I can offer help to anybody on here I am glad to.  I hope you get many more weeks to spend with your Mum, and by doing everything you can to keep yourself going hopefully it will be quality time that you spend together.  Wishing you strength going forward.  Hope xx

Hi Candy,

There really isn't much more that I can add to what Annabel and Hope have already said except that I too don't really know how I coped at the time and now almost two years later it is still difficult although losing Dad was the biggest loss in a series of losses that happened over a fairly short period of time and I still have problems I am trying to cope with so my grief timescale is probably not a good example.  What I think I'm trying to say is that Hope is right and that time does take the sting out of the pain especially with family around to support you and to receive support too.  Sorry Candy I don't think I have explained myself very well.

When the time comes you will grieve in your own way and in your own time and we will be here for you throughout.

I hope you have a good visit with your Mum and my thoughts are with you but you may not hear from me now until Sunday as I have to go to Birmingham for a big work do and will be away from a computer.

Take good care Candy.

Garf. xxx