Hi Candy,

You have highlighted the same problem I had in that when I visited my mother in the evening, there was never any one there to talk to about about her condition. I also saw her go from being a fit, active and healthy person to someone who at the end had trouble feeding herself. I know it sounds terribly selfish. 

Hope you are soon able to get the information from one of the doctors. I have to admit to almost dreading seeing my mother towards the end as it was so hard seeing her going down hill like she was and not being able to do anything about it..

Do take for of yourself, sending best wishes, Brian

By the time you read this I am guessing you will have already visited your Mum again and I hope you have been able to get more answers than you have been able to up to now.  If not then I just hope she reacts well to suggesting the hospice if you have brought it up with her yet.  It is natural that she may feel embarrassed about having to be cared for when she has spent her life being independant and Dad was the same.  I'm sure the ebarrassment is made worse by being continually poked and prodded by doctors and nurses but I truly believe that embarrassment will subside at least a little when she is in better care. Also sorry to hear they have put a drain in her lung when you thought it wasn't going to be done but they obviously felt it was neccessary.

On the plus side I am glad "woodworm" has got in touch with you.  He is a real pillar of strength in this community and was the very first person to reply to me when I first found this site after losing Dad. As a person who has lost loved ones to cancer and having been a cancer sufferer himself he is able to offer different people help and advice from experience rather than opinion and I speak for many here when I say he is a special person and much loved on this site.  He will be a little embarrassed himself at being complimented like this but it is true never-the-less.  (Sorry Brian! Just eat a nut while you wait for your now red cheeks to go back to normal)

It is difficult I know but try not to think about what your Mum is thinking in regards to leaving people behind, just concentrate on your own feelings and worries and share them with us.  It is amazing that you have managed to raise money for cancer research while coping with this and I have no doubt it will make a difference somewhere.  I couldn't consider doing something like that while Dad was ill but last year I organized a challenge that work colleagues helped me with that raised just over £2000 and I want to try and do something similar later this year.  I also started giving blood as until I saw the regular transfusions Dad received I thought blood was only needed for people in car accidents na dnot patients who are simply very ill.

Let us know how your visit went and take care.

Garf. x 

Hi Candy

I hope you are coping OK.  I can just tell by your post you are a caring and loving person and you will find that these trials in life are always sent to test good people in this world.  You are entitled to a few days off as you are only human like the rest of us.  I hope Candy you are not trying to cope with all this on your own.  I am not sure if you said you had siblings.  Do you mind me asking are you the eldest in your family and what age your mum is?

Yes it was very unexpected for my father-in-law and what made it even worse for me was that I couldn't visit him at home because I had a chest infection at the same time and I didn't want him catching anything.  I then discovered before he was admitted to hospital he had became very confused and had actually fell the previous night in the kitchen.

Take care Candy and I am sending this with hugs

Mickied

Hello Woodworm, or should i say Brian! Sorry i never even realised that this was your real name lol!

Yes im finding this alot. I always feel like the staff forget there is a family at home worrying and often forget we need to know the facts too. My mum has a lot of memory loss and forgets things so she doesnt always remember what shes been told, so we can't rely on that, we need information too. I know how you feel i am starting to feel the same, my heart breaks each time i walk into the room and i start to dread what she will look like... Its hard to keep a brave face on!

Finishing up in the shop now, home to get ready and up to the hospital. Will let you know how she is

xxx

Hi again! I'm okay today... Maybe cause its Friday lol?

Aww thank you thats so sweet to say! But i wish they would test me some other way and not like this... I have a sister who is older than me, i am the youngest of the family, my sister is 30. My mum is only in her early 50s so still quite young

Oh dear thats such a shame! Im sorry to hear that you couldn't visit him!

Sorry this is such a quick post i am getting ready to head home from the shop and get ready to visit mum!

Speak to you again soon!

xxx

Hi Candy,

No need to apologise Candy, I get called lots of different names on here, Profesor Nutty being the latest  Cancer is a complex disease and it affects us both physically and emotionally. It also affect close family members and friends as well. I think that the emotional side is often harder to deal with, especially for the relatives. I know from my own experience, I tried so hard to appear upbeat when visiting my mother but it was so hard to maintain a happy face when I was breaking up inside.

All I can say is I tried hard to repay the love and care my mother had given me when I was younger. I did find that focusing on this did help a little.

I would like to say a big thank you to Garf for his kind words and yes I did have a red face when I finished reading what he had written. But as you already know Candy, Garf also does a lot to help people on this forum and is a great source of help and support to people on here.

Sending best wishes to you and your mother, Brian

Hi Garf, sorry i have only just noticed your reply, must've missed it!

Still not had much answers really. Shes very out of it and can't seem to make much sense when talking... I thought maybe this was reaction to pain killers they had her on from the drain in her lung but im being told it may just be the natural progression of the cancer in her brain... So i think if we bring up the hospice she wont be able to really answer about it so im not sure what will happen now. She just slept most of the time over the weekend so can't really ask how shes feeling etc

Yes im grateful for him getting in touch, im grateful for you all getting in touch.. Had a fear i would write on here and get no replies lol!! Yeah he has filled me in on his story !

I know im trying to stop myself thinking about the negatives but its just very hard, getting harder now because of the way she is just now finding it very difficult seeing her like this. Oh wow thats amazing you raised so much, well done! Yeah doing it once spurs you on and makes you wanna keep on helping! I ran the race for life last year and will be doing it again this year too!

xxx

Hi again Brian, sorry i keep missing peoples replies! Missed Garf's and then yours!

Yes it is having quite a big affect on me, i'm trying to be happy and stay upbeat but its quite difficult! Especially when i go in and shes out of it like i said in my other reply. I see in your reply earlier you said your mum was also like this, i wonder if its much of the same situation then...

No more news on the hospice yet, not sure how they will go about talking to my mum regarding this since she isnt able to make much sense.. Did your mum go to a hospice?

I've been trying to keep things happy when i visit, painting her nails etc ( us girls always need nice nails ) Had a nice surprise last night when we went in, an old family friend had popped in to visit, so that was nice for her!

Yeah Garf is helping me a lot, its good to have people to talk to. But you also do a lot to help people out myself included, so you and garf are pretty similar !

xxxx

Hi Candy,

It was really good of your Mum's friend to visit her in hospital and to see a friendly face that she hasn't seen for a while I expect would have cheered her up.  When my Dad was in hospital in Liverpool after his operation my uncle who he used to get on really well with paid him a visit as he lived a fairly short drive away in Warrington.  My uncle is Mum's brother but he and Dad hadn't seen eachother since my parents broke up about thirty years ago and so he was made up with the visit.

We mentioned earlier the subject of strength and you said you didn't know if you would have the strength do deal with what is happening and what will happen.  I can tell you that you are already proving your strength by not only visiting your Mum when she is so ill but to keep things happy and do things like paint her nails proves proves what a strong and caring person you are and I have no doubt your Mum is very proud of her daughter.

Both you and Brian have mentioned how both of your Mums seemed to be out of it and very lethargic and certainly in Brian's case it was partially down to the medication she was on and I can agree with that as my Nana died of breast cancer when I was about nine years old.  She stayed at home throughout her illness and so the last time I saw her she was so dosed up with painkillers she looked at me but there was no recognition in her eyes.

I will check in again later but keep your strength up and if you find it running a bit low come here and we will see if we can send you some virtually.

Garf. x