Hi again everyone. Another update for anyone who's interested. Mum is still in hospital, very sore and very out of breath. The doctors did a scan the other day as they thought there was fluid on the lung which they were hoping to drain which would ease her breathlessness but after doing the scan they found there was no fluid, it appears it's all down to the tumour on the lung, so doesn't look like much can be done to help with her breathing...

Feeling rather upset today and annoyed. Wish more could be done and hate leaving her in the hospital. Also hate the thought of them examining her and proding at her as I know she will find it all very embarrasing. She has a lot of memory loss due to the tumours which spread to her brain yet they constantly ask her questions she can't remember the answers too!!!!! She is allergic to certain medications yet they sit seem to make note of it just rely on asking her even though she doesn't know, so she ends up ill cause they give her it anyway.

They are saying it might be best for her to go to a hospice now and aren't sure she will fight off the infection this time:(

Sorry for the rant I am just getting annoyed and upset now!

Hi again Candy,

I hope you have been able to get some answers from the nurses with the number Jane left you.

I understand that you are angry right now and also hate having to leave your Mum to be poked and prodded by doctors who may seem like they don't really care however in this situation it may seem difficult to distinguish between them not caring and simply the detachment that most doctors and nurses have from their patients.  I will also repeat that it does seem, based on what you have written that your Mum would be more comfortable in a hospice as they are specifically set up to care for people who are ill like your Mum is and my Dad was rather than her staying in a busy hospital.

This may seem like a crazy statement to make but I actually envy you being able to see your Mum as often as you do even though she is very sick.  My Dad lived in North Wales and I live on the South Coast so I would make the trip once or twice a month, each time during his last months seeing a marked decrease in his health with each visit.  I have said this to many people here in the past and I will no doubt say it again but when you are with your Mum try and make her smile whenever you can as in that brief instant there is no pain.  Also imprint those moments in your memory as they will help you a little in the future. As for feeling angry that is perfectly natural but it also drains your strength so if you can find a way to calm your mind and diffuse the anger a little that will also help.

Take care Candy and the very best wishes to you and your Mum.

Garf.     

Hi Mickied. Don't be silly you are not intruding, thanks very much for taking the time to reply to my post :)! Yes Garf does seem like a lovely person!

Yes your right I am only 20, feel I am too young to be losing my mum but then I guess there is no age that this would feel normal at. I hope I can somehow learn to cope with what is going to come, it's pretty scary and finding it particularly tough this week, having a few off days lately!

Oh dear I'm very sorry to hear about your father in law, I've learned that infections like chest and pnemoinia are pretty dangerous to people in these positions, my mum has been in and out of hosp a few times with them and has always bounced back so I guess I excepted the same this time, maybe this is why I'm getting more upset now having being told it may be time for a hospice.

That's okay you don't have any advice about the hospice, sometimes it's good to just chat in general about it all. Thank you again for taking the time to speak to me, I hope to keep it up. Take care xxx

Hi Candy,

I am so glad you have also received a reply from Mickied who has been one of the people to give me much valued support since finding this site.

The drawing you saw was something I did for a young cancer sufferer who used to use this site a lot called Sofia.  She is the one who started the "AMAZING QUOTES" thread that is still going strong.  She was going through a very difficult and emotional time after her cancer returned and she started to look on life as a lady with two halves and thought the way life treated you depended on what mood she was in.  I came up with an idea for a drawing and I sent her the one you saw which is now part of a website she set up in her native Portugal.  I believe she is doing o.k. now but she hasn't been back to this site for quite some time.

I see you are being convinced by people that a hospice would be a good place for your Mum but I know it will be difficult to convince her of that.  The idea of your local hospice doing pamper days sounds like a great idea and I have to admit I don't know if the one my Dad was in did anything like that.  I don't mind you asking at all and so I will tell yoy that Dad wasn't actually in the hospice for that long.  He went in initially for a week to be monitored and to adjust his medication so that he could still stay at home but while he was there he suddenly took a turn for the worst and so was only there for a couple of weeks before he died.  The last time I spoke to him was the day after he had gone through a particularly bad night that meant he had to be sedated.  The strange thing is that his accent had changed and he had suddenly got a real Manchester twang which I suppose isn't that strange since that is where he was from but he hadn't had an accent like that at any point during my lifetime. That was the last time I spoke to him on a Tuesday evening and he died two days later.

You said to Mickied that you hope you can learn to cope with what is to come and I have to say that I believe you will.  We very often we surprise ourselves by finding strength we didn't know we had but unfortunately it usually takes something painful like this to realize it.  Whenever you need a little extra strength I or Mickied or someone here will be only to pleased to try and help.

Signing off now but I will do the same again and check here tomorrow if I can't later.

Garf. x

Hi again Garf how are you today?

Yes I'm glad too, I'm always surprised when people actually take their time to reply to me, I don't know why!

Oh wow that's an amazing story, what a good background story that picture has! I really hope she is doing well now, I will have a look for that thread a little later on! Your a very talented drawer it's a great picture!

I know I am scared of what her reaction will be to them suggesting that this would be best for her. As I have said before on here my mum was always a very independent woman and never asked for help, I think this is maybe why I am struggling with this so much, seeing her go from that to how she is now, it's very difficult and I know she will be feeling the same and probably embarrassed by how weak she is, it breaks my heart! Yeah they do pampering days and massages to help ease people's pain. So in some ways I guess it's good but I just can't help but wish this wasn't happening!!

I'm sorry to hear that about your dad. And yes that's very strange about the accent!

Your right that it is something bad that usually makes us realise how strong we can be and how we can cope with terrible things. I wish I didn't need to find out! I feel sad for myself and my dad but can't help but thinking about my mum too, imagining what it must feel like knowing your dying and leaving everyone behind must be so difficult to know that... I hope they find a cure for this awful disease soon so no one else has to deal with this. I recently fundraised for cancer research and raised over £1,000 so here's hoping that can go into helping!

Signing off now to go visit mum will let you all know how she is. Thank you it's nice to know I can chat and let it out all! Enjoy your evening xx

Hi Candy,

Hope you don't mind me replying to you. I lost my mother to breast cancer eight years ago today, and am still feeling her loss even now.

I think there is a public misconception about hospice's in that like your mother, a lot of people think its a place where people spend their final days. But my mother spent a week in there as the hospital couldn't sort out medication to ease my mothers pain. They were absolutely brilliant and had sorted it out in a matter of a few days and she was able to go home again. They often have far more expertise in this area. She also used to go there one day per week for several months. The care she received there was first rate and I would say far better and the nurses more helpful and friendly than the hospital.

We all try hard to show a brave face for the sake of our loved ones while falling apart inside. I am please that Garf, Annabel and Mikied have all made contact with you, They are very caring people who have often offered support to me.

There was an advertising campaign a few years ago which stated "Its good to talk" and it is so true for it is often far easier to talk to people on here than it is to family or friends.

Take care Candy, sending best wishes to you and your mother, Brian.

Hi Woodworm No of course not, the more replies the better! I'm sorry to hear about you losing your mother!

Yes i must admit i was also one who thought of hospices in this way, but people on here are making me think otherwise. Its quite difficult to get hold of a nurse or doctor at night time visting at the hospital to actually get more information on what is happening, its all a bit confusing at the moment. She also now has a drain in her lung even though they said they werent going to do this, again couldnt get a hold of anyone to ask them about it....

Yes i am trying to put on a brave face but its always a shock walking in to her room everynight, maybe its my imagination but she looks sicker each time. WIsh i could make her better

Its true it is good to talk! Hope to speak to you again, take care xx

Hi Candy,

You have highlighted the same problem I had in that when I visited my mother in the evening, there was never any one there to talk to about about her condition. I also saw her go from being a fit, active and healthy person to someone who at the end had trouble feeding herself. I know it sounds terribly selfish. 

Hope you are soon able to get the information from one of the doctors. I have to admit to almost dreading seeing my mother towards the end as it was so hard seeing her going down hill like she was and not being able to do anything about it..

Do take for of yourself, sending best wishes, Brian

By the time you read this I am guessing you will have already visited your Mum again and I hope you have been able to get more answers than you have been able to up to now.  If not then I just hope she reacts well to suggesting the hospice if you have brought it up with her yet.  It is natural that she may feel embarrassed about having to be cared for when she has spent her life being independant and Dad was the same.  I'm sure the ebarrassment is made worse by being continually poked and prodded by doctors and nurses but I truly believe that embarrassment will subside at least a little when she is in better care. Also sorry to hear they have put a drain in her lung when you thought it wasn't going to be done but they obviously felt it was neccessary.

On the plus side I am glad "woodworm" has got in touch with you.  He is a real pillar of strength in this community and was the very first person to reply to me when I first found this site after losing Dad. As a person who has lost loved ones to cancer and having been a cancer sufferer himself he is able to offer different people help and advice from experience rather than opinion and I speak for many here when I say he is a special person and much loved on this site.  He will be a little embarrassed himself at being complimented like this but it is true never-the-less.  (Sorry Brian! Just eat a nut while you wait for your now red cheeks to go back to normal)

It is difficult I know but try not to think about what your Mum is thinking in regards to leaving people behind, just concentrate on your own feelings and worries and share them with us.  It is amazing that you have managed to raise money for cancer research while coping with this and I have no doubt it will make a difference somewhere.  I couldn't consider doing something like that while Dad was ill but last year I organized a challenge that work colleagues helped me with that raised just over £2000 and I want to try and do something similar later this year.  I also started giving blood as until I saw the regular transfusions Dad received I thought blood was only needed for people in car accidents na dnot patients who are simply very ill.

Let us know how your visit went and take care.

Garf. x 

Hi Candy

I hope you are coping OK.  I can just tell by your post you are a caring and loving person and you will find that these trials in life are always sent to test good people in this world.  You are entitled to a few days off as you are only human like the rest of us.  I hope Candy you are not trying to cope with all this on your own.  I am not sure if you said you had siblings.  Do you mind me asking are you the eldest in your family and what age your mum is?

Yes it was very unexpected for my father-in-law and what made it even worse for me was that I couldn't visit him at home because I had a chest infection at the same time and I didn't want him catching anything.  I then discovered before he was admitted to hospital he had became very confused and had actually fell the previous night in the kitchen.

Take care Candy and I am sending this with hugs

Mickied

Hello Woodworm, or should i say Brian! Sorry i never even realised that this was your real name lol!

Yes im finding this alot. I always feel like the staff forget there is a family at home worrying and often forget we need to know the facts too. My mum has a lot of memory loss and forgets things so she doesnt always remember what shes been told, so we can't rely on that, we need information too. I know how you feel i am starting to feel the same, my heart breaks each time i walk into the room and i start to dread what she will look like... Its hard to keep a brave face on!

Finishing up in the shop now, home to get ready and up to the hospital. Will let you know how she is

xxx

Hi again! I'm okay today... Maybe cause its Friday lol?

Aww thank you thats so sweet to say! But i wish they would test me some other way and not like this... I have a sister who is older than me, i am the youngest of the family, my sister is 30. My mum is only in her early 50s so still quite young

Oh dear thats such a shame! Im sorry to hear that you couldn't visit him!

Sorry this is such a quick post i am getting ready to head home from the shop and get ready to visit mum!

Speak to you again soon!

xxx

Hi again! I'm okay today... Maybe cause its Friday lol?

Aww thank you thats so sweet to say! But i wish they would test me some other way and not like this... I have a sister who is older than me, i am the youngest of the family, my sister is 30. My mum is only in her early 50s so still quite young

Oh dear thats such a shame! Im sorry to hear that you couldn't visit him!

Sorry this is such a quick post i am getting ready to head home from the shop and get ready to visit mum!

Speak to you again soon!

xxx