Hi Bill,

Did you manage to find any kind of support groups or centres in your local area?  I know you have fantastic support in your wife but sometimes talking to people outside the family can really help.

I hope Carrie is feeling as well as she can be at this time.xxx

Thanks for your concerns Beaker, yes Carrie's as well as she can be and no not really any good support groups locally and as you know it taks time to get appointments.My doctor does not accept that I need help with referals to see anyone at the hospital as he says I don't have a mental condition it's the grief and everything tied up with the anticipation of the what is happening.

BillX

Best wishes Max my prayers are with you and family as always. BillX

Hope everything with yourself Beaker and husband ok. BillX

Hi Bill

How are you today, hope you and your family are well.  How is Carrie I do hope she is comfortable and how are the children no doubt  they are off to school.

I am off to my daughters today to let the carpet fitter in hop i get all her instructions right or I will be in trouble.

I send you and your family a big hug

Beryl xx

P.s. I am preying that Max will be ok she is a lovely caring lady xx

Hi Beryl,

Yes I am ok thank you, Carries mum has given up her career to look after her full time so yes she is being looked after and is as you say comfortable. Children wise two go to private nursery and third at junior school their father who has been off work on extended leave since Christmas to look after them and has been taking them here and their so to speak, so everything possible is being done that can be done for Carrie.

Best wishes to you and family BillX

Hi Bill,

Thanks for asking after hubby.  He is doing ok but still in hospital.  At least they can really deal with his pain control there until it settles down a bit.  I'm really surprised they don't have many support services in your area to help you deal with this terrible situation.  Does Carrie have an allocated Macmillan nurse?  She should be able to arrange something for you to get support or at least give you some more information on what support is available to you.xxx

Hi Beaker,

Yes Carrie goes to hospice once a week and seeing various sorts of care also. I could ring the hospice over my grief and make an appointment to go and see them beaker but I dont know if you will or can understand what I am going to say but I cant go to the hospice because it will bring it home further to me what is happening does that sound strange.?  My doctor gave me a list of counciling services and I rang a couple of them and found that it was not helpfull in my case, I just have the feeling they do not fully understand or what to say that will eleviate the grief of what people are going through all cases are different but the technique I feel is the same.  Hope your husbands home soon and things improve for him and you take care also. BillX

Hello Bill,

I have been following your threads along the way and can only imagine how you are feeling. Watching a loved one doing battle with The Big C monster is the most terrible thing. Losing a partner is very, very hard (yep, I know that one) but the threat of losing your child - even a grown up child -  seems to hold added cruelty of fate. Your love for Carrie shines out like a beacon and it is easy to understand ,especially when in the throes of grief one's self, the depths of despair you find yourself in.

I, too rejected all offers of anti depression meds, professional support etc believing that grief is a natural phenomena and somehow I would find a way through - I can report it is just about possible. 17 weeks, 6 days and 14 hours on I am still here in the land of the living (a dubious priviledge at times) surviving - just.

Trying to get to grips with the actual agony of waiting for the axe to fall does allow - indeed forces - the grieving process to begin before there is a actually any final event. Almost as if one is grieving on account . I am guessing that one of your biggest fears is just how you feel feel "later" - there is almost a sense of panic in the anticipation - in many ways it feels just the same as you do now. The pain of losing someone starts in some form or another at the point their prognosis becomes short term. Most find this period to be bittersweet with everyone urging "Make the most of your time left " which is often as near as damn it impossible. How can one have any quality of life in those circumstances? I often wondered in awe at my Ray's strength and fortitude in getting to grips with his certain imminent exit. I have gathered every last ounce of resource to try and let me copy his bravery during these last few months. Feelings of desperation to escape the planet and the pain that is inevitable when you are the one left behind drive you to distraction.

I am , slowly, learning  that my focus must be on celebrating his life and our time together and not railing to the gods at the unfairness of it all. My daughter, who unfortunately contracted a potentially life threatening illness two years ago gave me the best advice of anyone when Ray was approaching his time. Just cuddle him, just let him know you are there - he will know and that is all he need's from you. She was right - and it gives me much comfort now to know I was there for him right to the last second. OK , I couldn't stop fate having it's wicked way - but he was not alone.

I am sure you feel that you would willingly take Carrie's pain for her and swap places, I certainly did - but I have started to realise that is exactly what I am doing now - Ray is safe and I bear the pain. What more can one ultimately wish for the ones we love?

With best regards

sueps

ps  the only way I managed for months to get any sleep was to make sure I was physically (not just mentally) exhausted. Digging the garden or running or anything that uses physical energy can be better than any drugs. (but of course a bit of medicinal help can also be most useful sometimes).