In all honesty Waterbabe and Max I do not feel worthy at being here, I wish I could say to you both that I am better but I can't. Before Carrie's illness I would say that I was a fairly fit confident and full of life person but now I am a shadow of myself and I know that I will never ever be the same.In order for me to function I have to try and put what is happening to my daughter out of my mind how can I do that it is not possible.Like my friends on the forum we have all lost family in the past and friends but this has broken me and I am frightened for the first time for my sanity and yet my G.P.is telling me that he admires how I am dealing with what I can only call trauma and in is opinion I do not need any what I will call mental services, like others I thought I would try and get my mind on other matters and decided to cut and prune my hedges but as I am doing the job I noticed that my hands were shaking which I assume is my nerves and I kept breaking down crying.My wife Sandra is a godsend and fully understands what I am going through and understands that I be allowed to grieve in any way that relieves my pain. I feel somedays like going to hospital and asking them to keep me in but I don't want that but I do not know what the answer is because their is none.I keep thinking about when she was a baby and having her on my knee or in bath with the rubber ducks etc and with the sparklers on bonfire night doing the figire eight in the dark, taking her to have her ears pierced the list is endless you know what I mean ladies you have been their.I just can't and I am sorry for keep repeating myself except a world without Carrie in it God help me please. BillX

P.S. Max and Waterbabe I pray that what you seek you shall receive and more.X

You are definitely worthy of being here Bill - we are all the same boat in different ways - and I think here at least people understand the turmoil this disease brings to our lives. And your support and help to others is much needed too! You have said many things to me that have made great sense of things I worry about. Seeking your GPs opinion was a good thing but I totally understand when you say that no-one can really help at the moment and it seems your dear wife is a godsend - no-one except you and her can possibly understand the difficulties of losing your daughter, so keep talking and crying and supporting each other.

I too often feel like booking myself into a hospital - just to escape it all for a while and let someone else take control. I did that once and went and stayed at The PennyBraun Centre in Bristol - it was 5days of sheer bliss - do look it up on the internet. Its a cancer centre and boy do they understand!!!!!

I understand Bill cos I am going thru a similar journey but the other way around - I am distraught at the prospect of leaving my family,especialy my daughter. She is 27 and has many many traumas to deal with in her short life - she talks to only me about them and sees me as her best friend and confidente as she has no partner. She cried the other night that she didnt want me to die and it was heartwrenching - I am truly worried about how she will cope with that on top of all the other things she has had to go through. She also is having a coloscopy this week after a positive smear test and has a biopsy and treatment to face - another worry for her (and us of course). Its a neverending turmoil isnt it and will continue for some time for all of us. All we can do is go along with it all, stay strong, and know at some point life will change again and there will be more challenges ahead but maybe some sunshine too in the future for those left behind. Hard to imagine - but lets just hang on to that and hope. Thinking of you       Max x

Max I am in truth so distraught in reading your reply to me for you and your family and Carrie, I cannot at the moment do justice to the reply I want to send you Max I am just to down at the moment but I will respond when I feel less heartbroken over both our families.God Bless you Max. BillX

Please don't worry about us Bill, we are coping ok and you have enough worry of your own bless you. Anyway - good news because the scan shows the cancer is stable apart from my liver, so I have decided to have the operation next week and gain some time - lots of it I hope! I want to get to The Maldives next Feb, that's a goal to try and achieve!!! I adore snorkelling. I hope Carrie is pain free and peaceful when you see her at the weekend and look after yourself buddy x

Hi Max,

Just thinking of you and sending my best wishes to you and your family for your operation this week and subsequent care thereafter Max.

I will pray for you.

BillX

Hi Max,

Just thinking of you and sending my best wishes to you and your family for your operation this week and subsequent care thereafter Max.

I will pray for you.

BillX

Thank you Bill and I will be thinking of you, Carrie and your family. I hope you are feeling ok on the new meds. Take care of yourself and I will be in touch in a couple of weeks when I am able to. Keep praying hard! Much love Max x

Hi Bill,

Did you manage to find any kind of support groups or centres in your local area?  I know you have fantastic support in your wife but sometimes talking to people outside the family can really help.

I hope Carrie is feeling as well as she can be at this time.xxx

Thanks for your concerns Beaker, yes Carrie's as well as she can be and no not really any good support groups locally and as you know it taks time to get appointments.My doctor does not accept that I need help with referals to see anyone at the hospital as he says I don't have a mental condition it's the grief and everything tied up with the anticipation of the what is happening.

BillX

Hope everything with yourself Beaker and husband ok. BillX

Hi Bill

How are you today, hope you and your family are well.  How is Carrie I do hope she is comfortable and how are the children no doubt  they are off to school.

I am off to my daughters today to let the carpet fitter in hop i get all her instructions right or I will be in trouble.

I send you and your family a big hug

Beryl xx

P.s. I am preying that Max will be ok she is a lovely caring lady xx

Hi Beryl,

Yes I am ok thank you, Carries mum has given up her career to look after her full time so yes she is being looked after and is as you say comfortable. Children wise two go to private nursery and third at junior school their father who has been off work on extended leave since Christmas to look after them and has been taking them here and their so to speak, so everything possible is being done that can be done for Carrie.

Best wishes to you and family BillX

Hi Bill,

Thanks for asking after hubby.  He is doing ok but still in hospital.  At least they can really deal with his pain control there until it settles down a bit.  I'm really surprised they don't have many support services in your area to help you deal with this terrible situation.  Does Carrie have an allocated Macmillan nurse?  She should be able to arrange something for you to get support or at least give you some more information on what support is available to you.xxx

Hi Beaker,

Yes Carrie goes to hospice once a week and seeing various sorts of care also. I could ring the hospice over my grief and make an appointment to go and see them beaker but I dont know if you will or can understand what I am going to say but I cant go to the hospice because it will bring it home further to me what is happening does that sound strange.?  My doctor gave me a list of counciling services and I rang a couple of them and found that it was not helpfull in my case, I just have the feeling they do not fully understand or what to say that will eleviate the grief of what people are going through all cases are different but the technique I feel is the same.  Hope your husbands home soon and things improve for him and you take care also. BillX

Hello Bill,

I have been following your threads along the way and can only imagine how you are feeling. Watching a loved one doing battle with The Big C monster is the most terrible thing. Losing a partner is very, very hard (yep, I know that one) but the threat of losing your child - even a grown up child -  seems to hold added cruelty of fate. Your love for Carrie shines out like a beacon and it is easy to understand ,especially when in the throes of grief one's self, the depths of despair you find yourself in.

I, too rejected all offers of anti depression meds, professional support etc believing that grief is a natural phenomena and somehow I would find a way through - I can report it is just about possible. 17 weeks, 6 days and 14 hours on I am still here in the land of the living (a dubious priviledge at times) surviving - just.

Trying to get to grips with the actual agony of waiting for the axe to fall does allow - indeed forces - the grieving process to begin before there is a actually any final event. Almost as if one is grieving on account . I am guessing that one of your biggest fears is just how you feel feel "later" - there is almost a sense of panic in the anticipation - in many ways it feels just the same as you do now. The pain of losing someone starts in some form or another at the point their prognosis becomes short term. Most find this period to be bittersweet with everyone urging "Make the most of your time left " which is often as near as damn it impossible. How can one have any quality of life in those circumstances? I often wondered in awe at my Ray's strength and fortitude in getting to grips with his certain imminent exit. I have gathered every last ounce of resource to try and let me copy his bravery during these last few months. Feelings of desperation to escape the planet and the pain that is inevitable when you are the one left behind drive you to distraction.

I am , slowly, learning  that my focus must be on celebrating his life and our time together and not railing to the gods at the unfairness of it all. My daughter, who unfortunately contracted a potentially life threatening illness two years ago gave me the best advice of anyone when Ray was approaching his time. Just cuddle him, just let him know you are there - he will know and that is all he need's from you. She was right - and it gives me much comfort now to know I was there for him right to the last second. OK , I couldn't stop fate having it's wicked way - but he was not alone.

I am sure you feel that you would willingly take Carrie's pain for her and swap places, I certainly did - but I have started to realise that is exactly what I am doing now - Ray is safe and I bear the pain. What more can one ultimately wish for the ones we love?

With best regards

sueps

ps  the only way I managed for months to get any sleep was to make sure I was physically (not just mentally) exhausted. Digging the garden or running or anything that uses physical energy can be better than any drugs. (but of course a bit of medicinal help can also be most useful sometimes).

Thanks sueps,

In truth I have been following your posts also, and their is not a lot I can say in answer to your words because you have kindly said everything precisely. I like you hate taking any form of anti depressant but after not taking three types the doctor prescribed I have relented and said I would at least give these a go just so it does not seem I am not taking the help he is trying to give me because grief can cause other problems to a persons health if not monitered. Sorry to hear of your daughters illness and hope she gets well, anticipatory grief as you know is the worst form and I know that you have gone through a terrible time and I could and can tell by your posts you loved your husband deeply and I am sorry for your loss and wish their was something I could say or do to help but I know its not possible in either my case or yours sueps and I am truly sorry for that. BillX