Ditto to Waterbabe Bill  -  hows things? Max x

In all honesty Waterbabe and Max I do not feel worthy at being here, I wish I could say to you both that I am better but I can't. Before Carrie's illness I would say that I was a fairly fit confident and full of life person but now I am a shadow of myself and I know that I will never ever be the same.In order for me to function I have to try and put what is happening to my daughter out of my mind how can I do that it is not possible.Like my friends on the forum we have all lost family in the past and friends but this has broken me and I am frightened for the first time for my sanity and yet my G.P.is telling me that he admires how I am dealing with what I can only call trauma and in is opinion I do not need any what I will call mental services, like others I thought I would try and get my mind on other matters and decided to cut and prune my hedges but as I am doing the job I noticed that my hands were shaking which I assume is my nerves and I kept breaking down crying.My wife Sandra is a godsend and fully understands what I am going through and understands that I be allowed to grieve in any way that relieves my pain. I feel somedays like going to hospital and asking them to keep me in but I don't want that but I do not know what the answer is because their is none.I keep thinking about when she was a baby and having her on my knee or in bath with the rubber ducks etc and with the sparklers on bonfire night doing the figire eight in the dark, taking her to have her ears pierced the list is endless you know what I mean ladies you have been their.I just can't and I am sorry for keep repeating myself except a world without Carrie in it God help me please. BillX

P.S. Max and Waterbabe I pray that what you seek you shall receive and more.X

Ah Bill, I really feel for you. TBH I think you sound like you have something like Post-traumatic stress - and you have had a massive amount of psychological trauma with her diagnosis and losing her slowly to this horrific disease.

Is there any counselling services in your area which you can tap into? Maybe contact your local hospice as they will know what resources are available to help you. Of course nothing will change what's happening and nothing will change your sense of loss but maybe it will help.

But even if you do nothing and just want to write your grief out here, please don't feel like you have to be a particular way for us. We take every body as they are here

x waterbabe

You are definitely worthy of being here Bill - we are all the same boat in different ways - and I think here at least people understand the turmoil this disease brings to our lives. And your support and help to others is much needed too! You have said many things to me that have made great sense of things I worry about. Seeking your GPs opinion was a good thing but I totally understand when you say that no-one can really help at the moment and it seems your dear wife is a godsend - no-one except you and her can possibly understand the difficulties of losing your daughter, so keep talking and crying and supporting each other.

I too often feel like booking myself into a hospital - just to escape it all for a while and let someone else take control. I did that once and went and stayed at The PennyBraun Centre in Bristol - it was 5days of sheer bliss - do look it up on the internet. Its a cancer centre and boy do they understand!!!!!

I understand Bill cos I am going thru a similar journey but the other way around - I am distraught at the prospect of leaving my family,especialy my daughter. She is 27 and has many many traumas to deal with in her short life - she talks to only me about them and sees me as her best friend and confidente as she has no partner. She cried the other night that she didnt want me to die and it was heartwrenching - I am truly worried about how she will cope with that on top of all the other things she has had to go through. She also is having a coloscopy this week after a positive smear test and has a biopsy and treatment to face - another worry for her (and us of course). Its a neverending turmoil isnt it and will continue for some time for all of us. All we can do is go along with it all, stay strong, and know at some point life will change again and there will be more challenges ahead but maybe some sunshine too in the future for those left behind. Hard to imagine - but lets just hang on to that and hope. Thinking of you       Max x

Max I am in truth so distraught in reading your reply to me for you and your family and Carrie, I cannot at the moment do justice to the reply I want to send you Max I am just to down at the moment but I will respond when I feel less heartbroken over both our families.God Bless you Max. BillX

Please don't worry about us Bill, we are coping ok and you have enough worry of your own bless you. Anyway - good news because the scan shows the cancer is stable apart from my liver, so I have decided to have the operation next week and gain some time - lots of it I hope! I want to get to The Maldives next Feb, that's a goal to try and achieve!!! I adore snorkelling. I hope Carrie is pain free and peaceful when you see her at the weekend and look after yourself buddy x

Hi Max,

Just thinking of you and sending my best wishes to you and your family for your operation this week and subsequent care thereafter Max.

I will pray for you.

BillX

Thank you Bill and I will be thinking of you, Carrie and your family. I hope you are feeling ok on the new meds. Take care of yourself and I will be in touch in a couple of weeks when I am able to. Keep praying hard! Much love Max x

Max just saw on this thread that you are scheduled to go in for your operation next week.  Hope it all goes brilliantly and recovery is as qucik as it can be.

Take Care, B.xxx