In all honesty Waterbabe and Max I do not feel worthy at being here, I wish I could say to you both that I am better but I can't. Before Carrie's illness I would say that I was a fairly fit confident and full of life person but now I am a shadow of myself and I know that I will never ever be the same.In order for me to function I have to try and put what is happening to my daughter out of my mind how can I do that it is not possible.Like my friends on the forum we have all lost family in the past and friends but this has broken me and I am frightened for the first time for my sanity and yet my G.P.is telling me that he admires how I am dealing with what I can only call trauma and in is opinion I do not need any what I will call mental services, like others I thought I would try and get my mind on other matters and decided to cut and prune my hedges but as I am doing the job I noticed that my hands were shaking which I assume is my nerves and I kept breaking down crying.My wife Sandra is a godsend and fully understands what I am going through and understands that I be allowed to grieve in any way that relieves my pain. I feel somedays like going to hospital and asking them to keep me in but I don't want that but I do not know what the answer is because their is none.I keep thinking about when she was a baby and having her on my knee or in bath with the rubber ducks etc and with the sparklers on bonfire night doing the figire eight in the dark, taking her to have her ears pierced the list is endless you know what I mean ladies you have been their.I just can't and I am sorry for keep repeating myself except a world without Carrie in it God help me please. BillX

P.S. Max and Waterbabe I pray that what you seek you shall receive and more.X

Ah Bill, I really feel for you. TBH I think you sound like you have something like Post-traumatic stress - and you have had a massive amount of psychological trauma with her diagnosis and losing her slowly to this horrific disease.

Is there any counselling services in your area which you can tap into? Maybe contact your local hospice as they will know what resources are available to help you. Of course nothing will change what's happening and nothing will change your sense of loss but maybe it will help.

But even if you do nothing and just want to write your grief out here, please don't feel like you have to be a particular way for us. We take every body as they are here

x waterbabe

Ditto to every word Waterbabe has said.

Bill, your story is heartbreaking to see.  I wish you (and your wife) peace ~x

Ditto to every word Waterbabe has said.

Bill, your story is heartbreaking to see.  I wish you (and your wife) peace ~x