Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply.

Hopewells - I am  sorry to hear about both your Mum and your little brother, although good news that he is on the mend, and am sorry you are going through all this at such a young age.  I wish you well with all that lies ahead.  I take on board what you say about feeling lucky for the time I have had with my Mum, but that doesn't necessarily make what she is going through any easier to deal with - with things like this, it's probably best not to try and compare who is luckier than who, as when you are going through it, I'm sure it's just as hard for all of us for many different reasons and in many different ways.  Thank you for your advice and your prayers and for sharing your story.

Mickied - thanks also for your reply, you are absolutely right that the only way to deal with this is to live one day at a time, and I absolutely have to focus on doing that.  But you are right that it comes down to the kind of person you are, and just because something like this happens, you can't suddently change the way you feel or react to things.  I wish you all the strength to get through this to, and please stay in touch as  I feel there are some similarities in the way we are feeling and coping.

Brian - a massive thanks to you again, you write so well and manage to say so many of the right things.  Thank you for your wishes.  I am feeling better this week, and planning a few more trips to spend time with Mum  I just want to until we are given some more indication fo what the future holds, and without sounding morbid, would never want to regret not spending time with her - she keeps feeling guilty about us travelling to see her, so I am having a job convincing her that we do it because we want to!  All the very best to you and please stay in touch.

Catherine x

Hi Catherine

As they say life can be so cruel sometimes and it can be very hard to try and get through each day as it comes.  How is your mum keeping and how are you?

I kept your mum in my prayers and discovered last week that a young baby who undergone a heart operation survived and is on the mend so sometimes there is someone listening.

Thank you for the invitation to stay in touch which I promise I will do.

Take care

Mickied

Hi Catherine

I have been thinking about you all weekend and only read your message this morning.  I just don't know what to say to you Catherine only that your mum is no longer in pain and she is at peace now.

You are right about crying one minute and then laughing at something maybe your mum did the next but it is all in the cycle of grieving.  Your tribute to your mum is so fitting from a daughter who was so proud to have her as your mum and likewise.

Take care of yourself Catherine and your wee family.

Sending you hugs

Mickied

Hi Nick,

Thanks so much for your message, so many of your words rang true with how I have been feeling and brought comfort at this horribly difficult time.  I completely understand what you mean about being numb and in a state of separation from your emotions - I keep saying to people that I am in a state of disbelief and feel like I have put up this protective emotional barrier, which is just about keeping me from falling apart.  But occasionally, I feel it starting to slip and then I'm not in a good way.

My mum certainly was the central hub of our family, we are a small and very close family but she was still the one that kept things together.  I sort of feel like this has passed to me now, and hope I can do as good a job.  She absolutely does live on in all of us, and as you say, I really do take comfort from this, especially with the idea that she lives on in her grand-children too. And something I have really tried to do is encourage people to talk about her, and tell them not to worry about upsetting us by doing so.  I would hate to ever think that people couldn't or wouldn't talk about her, and always want to feel that part of her is still here with us.

You are very kind to thank me for my support, but on this wonderful forum, any support I have been able to offer has been matched many times over by the kind words offered to me, including by yourself - and in your case, it has been so very important because of going through this at such a similar time.  So a huge thank you to you as well.

You mention about the poem 'death is nothing at all' - a close family friend put a copy of this in a card to us, and you are absolutely right, what a huge comfort those thoughts are.  The poem is now sitting on the side in my mum and dad's living room and I have read it many times in the last few days.

I hope that the days that have passed since the loss of your mother have started to bring some comfort to you and your family - I am not sure if you have had your mother's funeral yet, but if not send you strength and support for that day and beyond.

Wishing you all the very best,

Catherine x

Thank you Mickied - as you say, the thought that Mum is at peace now is very important to us.  She didn't want to put either herself or us through a long period of suffering, and she was totally determined about this to the end.  She was a wonderful mum, I still cannot imagine the future without her, but trying to focus on all the wonderful memories has helped with my grieving and has made me determined to keep her memory alive.

A special thank you for all the words of comfort you have offered me as I tried to come to terms with Mum's illness and the setbacks along the way - this forum has been an amazing support and has really helped so much in the darkest of times.

Wishing you and your family all the best also, stay in touch,

Catherine x

Hello Catherine

My thoughts are still with you and your family and I indeed have found comfort and strength from the support of people on this forum, especially from you as our tragedies are very paralleled at this time.

A strange thing happened on Thursday, the easiest way to describe my feelings are as if my emotional state in my dreams are sensitive and my waking hours I'm quite numb and almost detached; surely this is the wrong way round? Thursday night I dreamt my whole family was in a plane and it crashed, through the chaos I was able to gather all my family together who had all survived, my mum was the only one missing. Then we were all walking along an airport concourse and I was calling out "mum mum", I spotted her sitting behind a roped off section, she was younger and as beautiful as I can ever remember, she rushed forward but would not cross saying she has not been checked through, I pulled her over this invisible threshold and we all hugged and smiled; I then awoke and prepared for her funeral later that morning.

Yesterday at 10:30 we held a Christian funeral at a local Crematorium, my brother, two cousins and I carried her in from the hearse just as all four of us had done only four months earlier for my mother's brother, the father of my two cousins. The weather was kind, the sun shone and lots of relatives and friends payed their respects. My emotions became so real but I had to dig deep and compose myself as well as I could for my family, in particular my father who I can only sadly describe as like a lost child. Abba SOS played on the way in, mourners spilled out through the doors to the reception, Pamela had full house. Some words and prayers were said and we sang 'How great thou art'. We asked for the curtain to remain open and Queen 'these were the days' belted out as we departed.

Apologies if that went on a little and sorry for it sounding a bit too 'about me' but I wanted to paint a visual picture and share some of my mum with you and others, I hope it some how brings some strength to you. Please continue to be brave and supportive to others, I believe this is in your nature and as you mentioned a characteristic your mum has nurtured in you.

Take care and will chat again very soon.

Nick x

Hello Nick,

Thank you for the lovely description of your Mum's funeral, and please do not apologise for all the details.  It sounds like the day was as emotional as expected, but a fitting tribute to your Mum and all the work that would have gone into organising it.   I was so sorry to hear how soon after your Mum's brother's death this came, but hope you and your cousins have been able to support each other through such a sad time.  I am sure you had to work hard to keep your emotions under control, I will find out but am kind of expecting the day of the funeral to be the day it hits me...I hope you father is doing ok - I have had moments of sadness and guilt about mine over the last few days - as hard as this is on me, I have my wonderful husband and daughter to come home to and to cry with - I feel so sad for my dad that although he has many close friends to turn to, he has to go back to an empty house every night.  It is no wonder they feel so lost when their life companions have been taken from them, and I think as a result the period of adjustment for them must be even longer and perhaps more difficult.

We are in the last stages of organising Mum's funeral which takes place this Thursday - in line with Mum's wishes, we will be holding a small private service at the crematorium and then a memorial service in their village, with an afternoon tea served afterwards (which I am busy cooking for today - some of mum's friends are doing most of the food, but I like to be busy and involved rather than just waiting for the day!!)  I am kind of dreading the day, combined with an overwhelming urge to make sure everything is perfect for her send off.  I will be doing a reading, as will a close family friend and my dad has written a tribute that will be read at the end of the service - I know he will do a great job despite his current state.

It was interesting to read the story about your dream - I have been a bit worried about my state of mind the last few days - I feel like I have become too detached from my emotions, and like the protective barrier I reviously mentioned has become even bigger.  I am worried that this is an excessive form of a coping mechanism, but it doesn't feel right.  Like you, I feel numb, but then keep waking in the night and feel almost panicky at how awful it all is - I am not naturally a panicky person, usually calm and in control, but then by the morning feel calm again.  I can't relate to how I feel I've never been through something like this before, and I don't recognise myself sometimes.

Anyway, I need to apologise now for going on - I hope you have all been feeling ok in the days since your Mum's funeral, will be in touch soon,

Take care,

Catherine x

Hello Catherine

I have been thinking about you and your family; tomorrow is a difficult day for you all and I'm sure you are trying to mentally prepare for the overwhelming emotions you will experience when hearing a tribute towards your lovely mum in a past tense. You, your family and your dear departed mother will be in my thoughts tomorrow, I hope the service does her existence and importance justice. Continue to be strong and against all the odds endeavour to celebrate your mum's life during the hardest day of your life.

Nick X

Catherine

Just wanted to let you  know will be holding you and your family in my thoughts as you celebrate your Mum's life tomorrow.  Emotionally charged it will rightly be but hang on to those wonderful memories you have made during her lifetime to carry you through this difficult day. Virtual hugs.Jules

Hi Catherine,

Just wanted to say like Jules, I will be thinking of you today. I know what an emotional day it can be for I still remember the day of my mothers funeral. I was so glad I had my wife and family to help me get through that day. So please take care and remember the many happy memories you have of your mother's life. I was reminded of my mother the other day when my wife broke something. Just like my mother, I refused to throw it out and just as she used to do managed to make a repair. My mother was always such a practical person and it may sound silly but I could almost fell her smiling approvingly at what I'd done. As I have said before, our mothers live on inside of us and that belief gets stronger as each year goes by. Take care Catherine, will be thinking of you, Brian

Hi Catherine

I will be thinking about you and your family today.  As someone else said you will be celebrating your mum's life today on one of the hardest days you will ever have to face.

How is your dad holding up. I remember when my own father died suddenly I felt I was at someone else's funeral.  I felt so numb as if it just hadn't sank in yet.  It was only after everyone had gone home I started to realise he wasn't coming back.

I am glad some of your mum's friends want to help with the tea afterwards.  People like to feel they are helping in times like this but you are right to keep busy too.

How is your wee daughter holding up too?  Kids surprise you sometimes.  After my father-in-law died my youngest one took it bad.  She had been sitting the day before she went to school making him a get well card because he had been taken into hospital and then the night of the funeral she was making arrangements to sneak her two grandas out of heaven.  I just looked at her and every so often she will say I miss granda when is he coming back.  I wish I had the answers but I don't.

Take care and keep in touch Catherine.  You will be in my thoughts today.

Mickied

Hi Mickied,

Thank you so much for your message on the day of Mum's funeral.  I hope you will see my new thread, and stay in touch on there, but I was so touched by your message here that I wanted to reply here as well.  Thank you for asking about my father and daughter - they are both ok.  Dad is quite calm, and is being well looked after by his family and close friends.  I think he ha some time to prepare for the emptiness at home, as Mum was in hospital/a hospice for quite a few weeks at the end.  We will be keeping a close eye on him over the coming weeks, and he is staying with us at present.

My daughter is also ok - she is really too young to understand what is going on, but has sensed things becaue we have been away so much, but for trying to take positives from horrible situations, it has given her a lot more time to spend time with relatives that she doesn't see so much of and that has been lovely to see.  The story of your daughter is lovely but so sad, how do you even start to try to explain death to ones so young and innocent...?  I know from the way you write on here that you will have found the right words to help her.

Your description of your own father's funeral rang a few bells, like feeling numb and like it was someone else - it felt strange that we were there for Mum, like it wasn't really true, to be honest it still isn't sinking in and I'm not sure when it will.

Thank you as always for taking the time to write, and also to share your stories and experiences as they really help me.

Take care and speak soon,

Catherine x

Hi Mickied,

Thank you so much for your message on the day of Mum's funeral.  I hope you will see my new thread, and stay in touch on there, but I was so touched by your message here that I wanted to reply here as well.  Thank you for asking about my father and daughter - they are both ok.  Dad is quite calm, and is being well looked after by his family and close friends.  I think he ha some time to prepare for the emptiness at home, as Mum was in hospital/a hospice for quite a few weeks at the end.  We will be keeping a close eye on him over the coming weeks, and he is staying with us at present.

My daughter is also ok - she is really too young to understand what is going on, but has sensed things becaue we have been away so much, but for trying to take positives from horrible situations, it has given her a lot more time to spend time with relatives that she doesn't see so much of and that has been lovely to see.  The story of your daughter is lovely but so sad, how do you even start to try to explain death to ones so young and innocent...?  I know from the way you write on here that you will have found the right words to help her.

Your description of your own father's funeral rang a few bells, like feeling numb and like it was someone else - it felt strange that we were there for Mum, like it wasn't really true, to be honest it still isn't sinking in and I'm not sure when it will.

Thank you as always for taking the time to write, and also to share your stories and experiences as they really help me.

Take care and speak soon,

Catherine x

Hi Catherine

Thank you for your lovely words and your appreciation.   You are right about your wee daughter getting time to spend time with relatives she rarely sees.

We have a running joke amongst cousins of mine meaning we only get to see each other at the odd wedding but mostly funerals.  It is sad too but very true nonetheless.

Some people describe it Catherine as waking up from a nightmare only to discover it is reality.

Will your father stay with you for some time or return back to his own house.  Even if he does you are such a caring daughter he will never be on his own.

I promise I will keep in touch.

An uncle of mine is very ill at the minute.  He is at home being looked after by care workers and his three daughters and son.  His wife is currently in a nursing home because she has the later stages of dementia.  She is in her early 70s - sad too but again that is how cruel life can be.

Take care and hugs to you

Mickied