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Grieving before he’s died - husband's cancer returned after being in remission for only 7 months. He's been told he only has 12 - 18 months now if chemo works

bubbles831
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My husband has been told his cancer has returned after only 7 months in remission, he’s been told he has 12-18 months IF it responds well to chemo.  I feel like I’m grieving him before he’s gone, I can’t sleep it’s currently 2.30am I’m laying here next to him visualising how life will be without him. He’s trying to do as much in the house to make it as we want it before he gets too weak to do it. People are telling us to go on holiday spend time together etc I have to work it’s not that easy I’m the only one working since he got poorly. But when he’s gone I know I will regret it but we are running out of time.

Is this normal to feel like we should be getting our house in order - literally ! Is it normal that I’m trying to prepare myself that he will be gone even though I could have another good year infront of us? I’m feeling numb it’s so surreal I’m going through the motions - I feel so helpless and angry with myself for feeling like he’s gone already when he’s right here next to me 

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    Hi

    sadly my partner was diagnosed 3 years ago, but suddenly it’s beginning to take control of him !! Like you I find myself in same position thinking about how I will continue without him. He is in hospital at the moment and for the last week I’ve got used to him not being in our home and have the same sort of feelings as you have. I can burst into tears suddenly as if his no longer with us than I remember I will be visiting him in hospital later. My head just feels everywhere . So don’t feel alone x

  • Offline in reply to Millimoo

    Thank you Millie moo xx

    Is it our minds way of preparing and our protective mechanism perhaps I don’t know . 

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    Hello bubbles831,

    grieving a loss is entirely normal, doing so at the outset can be the big step of acceptance and prepare you to be stronger at the finish. Since you do not know when that will be it can place you upon a firmer foundation from which to be able to organise and enjoy what remains of your life together ahead of you and take the very best you can from it..

    Coming from a stage 4 diagnosis l can empathise and understand with where you find yourselves and can only say it was only that when l reached the position where l accepted that l could be facing end of life and my partners life would change completely,  was a great weight lifted off my shoulders and we worked on futureproofing for her and doing our utmost to enjoy and appreciate everyday we awoke to

    We are still doing that 11 years on and are still unable to say when that will no longer be the case.Mourn your loss, but dont lose sight of the meaningful potential that could still await you moving foward. That time can be so much more generous and rewarding than what you have experienced before

    l hope you are able to find the comfort in your minds to allow you to fulfill that,

    David

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    I am in a very similar position to you and what you describe is exactly what I think and feel at this time. My husband was diagnosed with malignant cancer last May and there is no cure. He doesn’t want to know how long he’s got, immunotherapy may give him more time but side effects cause problems and slow him down. He sleeps a lot and when he does I sit and ask myself if this is what it will be like. The thing he keeps saying is that he doesn’t want to ‘leave me with anything to do’. Several fairly big jobs have been done in the house and garden over the last few months, but really there is nothing that is important. The main things we have done are wills, power of attorney for finance and health. They are the only things that I count as really necessary. Sending love and hugs, please look after yourself as well. 

  • Offline in reply to JaneMarie

    Thank you Jane and David he was diagnosed with colorectal cancer in January 24 went through radiotherapy and Chemo had a huge apr surgery in January 25 which resulted in him being extremely poorly in hospital life support for 3 days having a string of five operations within six weeks he got through it and got the all clear we thought we had beat it , after 3 1/2 months in hospital he came out in April then in November this year it  came back and is now stage 4 they cannot offer any more radiotherapy just Palliative Chemo to give him a bit more time he’s out the front at the moment digging up the driveway for God sake. Like your husband he just wants to make sure that there’s nothing left for me to worry about after he’s gone. He still so kind so brave so thoughtful and caring. I know deep down he’s also doing it to keep his mind busy I’ve been off work this week and all I keep doing is thinking about what if and what will be.

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