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I don’t know what I’m feeling - dad diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, mum is struggling. How can I support my parents?

HLP
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My Dad has been recently diagnosed with stage 4 cancer in bowel, liver and lung. He’s starting treatment on Tuesday but it’s not a cure, it’s palliative care. 

My Dad is so stoic and very proud so has made it clear that only my Mum and his doctors will see him in the ‘bad moments’. I completely respect this but also happy to jump in if needed. 

I’m trying to be there for my Mum who is really struggling as you can imagine but I honestly don’t know what to say. It won’t get better and we’re all going to lose someone who we love and adore. 

I’m feeling very numb about it and not really sure why. I was expecting to be more ‘upset’ as that’s my usual go-to but I just feel numb. 

I’m thinking a lot but not about anything in particular. I’m just numb at everything. 

any tips on how I can support both my parents would be appreciated! Thank you 

  • I'm really sorry to hear your dad has stage 4 cancer HLP, and that he was started on palliative care yesterday.

    This must be a very difficult time for you all but I hope you can take some strength, and comfort, from knowing that our community are here for you HLP and I'm sure some of our members will be along soon to offer their support and advice.

    I hope this information we have on supporting the carer will help you and your mum at this time and for now, the best way you can support your dad is to follow his lead and be there for him when he needs you. You may be able to get further information, support and advice from Marie Curie who are experts in caring for someone with a terminal illness and provide practical and emotional support to everyone who is affected, including family and friends.

    We also have a team of cancer nurses you can discuss things further with on 0808 800 4040. Their phone lines are open Monday - Friday between 9a.m - 5p.m and they will do all that they can to help.

    Look after yourself HLP, and try to take things one day at a time.

    Kind regards,

    Steph, Cancer Chat Moderator

  • Offline

    I'm in a similar situation. My dad has terminal cancer and is getting weaker and losing weight by the day. My mum is basically his carer at the moment. I work 34hrs a week and have a young child so it's difficult to see them most nights apart from weekends. I can see it's breaking my mum but she is trying to be strong in front of my dad. 

    My dad has breakdowns in our company sometimes and I don't know what to say or do other than say don't give up! But at the same time I hate to see him suffer......

    It's soo hard..... I feel for you and your family and send lots of love and thoughts your way. Xxx 

  • Offline

    Hey there, sorry to hear about your situation. I'm in a similar boat with my parents, and it's really hard to know how to help isn't it!

    At the weekend my dad was really ill and he didn't want to see me either, but I knew my mum was struggling so I drove up to support her. I found that actually helping with some of the practical stuff around the house was a great way to 'help' but without getting involved in the care duties. Their fridge for example was a mess as they haven't been in a normal routine, so I cleaned that out. I also did a shop run and helped them sort some things out around the house.

    I'm not sure if this will make your mum feel better, but it seemed to lift my mum's spirits and I think just having some company helped her too. 

    As for my dad, I've tried to just connect with him however I can, talking about music and films and sports over WhatsApp/the phone to give him some distractions without getting into the heavy subjects. Or old memories, which are nice to connect over and are helping me get past the 'numb' feelings!

    Sending lots of hugs, hope this helps in any way x

  • Offline in reply to kelllsbells92

    Hi HLP

    I was in a similar position with my Dad who sadly passed away in March from prostate cancer.  My dad was a very proud man and initially just wanted my mum to look after him but as he grew weaker he accepted that it was getting too much for my elderly mum so I took over the care.  

    I'm sure that your dad would understand that your mum needs help.  It's extremely difficult to see a proud man crying and I had many tearful conversations with my dad.  You will find the strength to cope.  Spend as much time with your dad as is possible.  Time is prescious.  Accept as much help as you possibly can from anyone that offers it.  You're feeling numb because it's a shock and if you are like me then you're trying to stay strong and show your mum that she can depend on you for support.

    Sending you love and strength to cope x

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