Hello Cath2222

I'm so sorry to hear about your Mum's diagnosis. It's obviously a difficult time for you both and, naturally, you have concerns. It's good to hear that you're so supportive of your Mum. 

Have you been able to talk with your Mum about your concerns? It's understandable that you have questions and are worried about how best you can support her. Do try and speak with your Mum to agree on a plan that you're both happy with about how you will be able to access support for Mum when her health declines. 

I wonder if your Mum doesn't want to see a Dr as she's worried that they may try to persuade her to pursue some treatment options that she doesn't want. If you've not already done so then maybe talk with your Mum about pain management and getting some advice on wound care so that she can remain as healthy and comfortable for as long as possible. 

If you'd like to talk with one of our nurses for some advice and support you're welcome to call them on 0808 800 4040, Monday to Friday 9am to 5pm. I'm sure they will be happy to offer any guidance and information they can. 

I'm sure that your Mum will understand your concerns and appreciate you supporting her choices. Take the opportunities to spend time together creating memories and enjoying each other's company as well. 

Keep in touch Cath and we'll do our best to offer any support and advice we can. 

My best wishes to you both, 
Jenn
Cancer Chat moderator 

Sorry to hear about mum it’s hard to watch your loved one going through this. Probably best to take a day at a time and build good memories with mum as you can. Does she have any thing she wants to do while she can?  Even on treatments she would be having symptoms, will she talk to her surgery for support or can you contact local Macmillan centre.        My mum passed in March also very independent,  at home alone to the last where she fell, and didn’t get up. She was adamant that she was not going to hospital, as she knew that they wouldn’t allow her home alone she was 92.  I hope you are able to support your mum , take care.

susie

Hi. I relate to your post very much. My mum has just been diagnosed with cancer. Although we haven’t got to the point of having all of the tests, she says she doesn’t want surgery or chemo. I think it’s very natural for us to want loved ones to ‘fight’ and accept any treatment offered, but sometimes it comes down to quality of life over quantity for the person with cancer, particularly if there isn’t a curative option. I’m glad you’ve had the conversation about it with your mum…I have done the same. I made it clear that I would never pressure her into receiving treatment, as long as she is fully understanding of the consequences. She was so relieved to hear me say that. As your mum is an experienced nurse, I’m willing to bet that her decision is very thought through and logical, however I understand how painful it is for you to deal with xx

It depends on the circumstances.
Sometimes people thoroughly think things through and opt out of treatment for logical ressons.

Sometimes people make hasty choices because they’re scared of treatment based on fears generated decades ago when pain and side effect management were less effective than they are now.

I was told there was probably only a 3% chance of surviving for 5 years. If I’d been fearful of the side effects, I might have opted out of treatment as several friends and colleagues advised (even though I didn’t ask for their opinions!).

I’m glad I had the treatment as the outcome was far better than I dared hope for at the time.

We need to respect whatever decisions our loved ones make but we also need to help ensure they make fully informed decisions - which is a hard balance to maintain.

Best wishes
Dave

Thank you Jenn.

Yes I have had conversations with my Mum over the past few years. Her reason for not wanting treatments are that she is in her 80s, does not want to take the place of anyone younger, does not wish to go through the treatments and she does not wish to know if the cancer is anywhere else. She believes that she is better to live the rest of her life as she wants. My Mum has a very full life, very active, loves nature ect. She is looking after her wounds and is pretty good with that. She was a nurse in the Army and stayed in nursing until she retired.

What we have now done, because of this wonderful forum, is to draw up a living will so we all know what treatments, intervention my Mum wants or does not want, when the time comes.

Thank you xxxxx

Hi Susie,

So sorry to hear that you lost your Mum in March.

Your Mum sounds like mine and I am pleased that she was able to stay at home.

Mum has a dog who is also elderly and going blind so she is not yet interested in doing things until the dog is no longer with her. They are so sweet together. I think they are keeping each other going.

Thank you xxxx

Hi Dave, thank you for your reply. It is a difficult balance. My Mum was a nurse for years and she is 81. Her reasons are logical and are thought through which I totally respect. 

So pleased you have have a good result from your treatment.

Best wishes

Cath

Hi Cath,

A few years ago, after two sets of cancer treatment which gave her an extra 5 years, my Mum decided she couldn’t face more chemo. Dad, my sister and I fully supported her decision but there was friction within our family as not everyone understood. This was mainly family who lived away and didn’t see her on a day to day basis.

It sounds like your Mum has made a decision which is best for her for all the right reasons. I’d hate to have to go through that trauma again. 

Best wishes
Dave