Hi, when I read your post I thought of my first husband. You don't have to put up with a bad attitude, cancer or no cancer. Tell him how you feel and that he needs to change, sharpish. I know it sounds harsh but love is a two way street and you deserve better. Best wishes x

Hello Egremont,

                         l can feel your pain,unhappiness and frustration,l am not sure l have too much wisdom but realised l came very close to and flirted with very much the same thing as you describe with your husband,As the cancer sufferer you feel that no one around you can possibly be aware of the destruction its wreaking upon your mind., so it is all too easy to dismiss those around you, The trouble is that you become so self centred and inward looking that you fail to to see how it is for the person nearest to you and the havoc it bestows upon them,

Realising that you are both looking at the same coin at the same moment in time albeit as head and tail  was the wake up call for me,and thankfully l woke up before l inflicted too much pain on others,It was at this time accepting that it looked very likely l could die was my turning point. Instead of raging against it l focused on doing all l could in providing a secure future for my wife as l possibly could, which gave my life a meaning and purpose,and meant l was looking  forward over the horizon again,A new home built whilst undergoing surgery and chemo,and seven years on l am thankful that l found the right way to move forward,And that is the key,looking and moving forward,sitting and waiting for the worst to arrive is the tragedy that will pull you and those around you down,

l cannot help you as to how to achieve this,l just know that it has to come from the patient within themselves,and everything else is just window dressing.AsJaneRu has indicated there are two sufferers in all of this,and as a sufferer you need to look to yourself a lot more, If you cannot change your husbands actions and he is not willing to change his,,make it plain to him that you can change yours and that you need to look to yourself if he is not wishing to keep "US" at the top of his agenda.

  l hope my honesty is of help to you,

                                                             David

Wise words, David. As humans, we all fail but recognising your own failings and making a concerted decision to change is such a positive. Best wishes x

Thank you so much all for your replies.. I do think this confirms what I think in that you know it's wrong and difficult but needs turned around to not waste any more precious time. Rationality seems to have gone out the window, replaced by walking on eggshells. Whilst not wanting to put anything on the grown-up children as they have their lives to live, living remotely as we do especially in winter isn't great for my 'coping mechanisms'. It probably won't be acceptable to him but we could move back both closer to them and small grandchildren and where we lived for >20 years as still know a lot of people. Covid has a lot to answer for as I would normally be in an office with a variety of ages that was always good for the soul.  There are new C T scans due this week as he hasn't been too well - he has had surgery last year followed by radiotherapy  no chemo though as after 1 session he couldn't seem to take it further. Am worried about his lifestyle but we will see what the new year brings.

Thanks again as much appreciated.