Hi Amazingafterall,

I can fully understand your anxiety. Fear of recurrence is something that anyone with a cancer diagnosis has to learn to live with. I have had 2 bouts of breast cancer in the past 12 years and, having already experienced a second bout, I live with this fear every day. It is difficult not to let this become all consuming, but life is too short to let these thoughts take over your life.

It is hard to accept that you are fortunate to be able to start another part of your journey when you are feeling as you are at the moment. Once you embark on your radiotherapy, you will probably find that you will gradually begin to feel a little more positive about things. We all talk about the cancer rollercoaster. Sadly, this is what you are experiencing at the moment.

It is always disappointing when a cancer treatment doesn't work as well as it should. This happened with my first cancer too. Fortunately, when I had the second bout a year later, I had a double mastectomy and changed treatment. Since then, I have had 11 years in which I have led a busy and fulfilling life and, I hope to continue for many years to come. Try to look at the positives here - this is still treatable and, that's the main factor.

I sincerely hope that your radiotherapy works better. Please keep in touch and let us know how you get on. We are always here for you.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Thank you so much for your kind words, I truly appreciate you taking the time to reply. I'm happy for you to have been living a fulfilling life after having to cope with two bouts of breast cancer. 
I think I always assume if there is a recurrence then it's not good news   As always I'm jumping ahead of myself and like you say I'm on that rollercoaster at the moment and it's not a fun part at all. My main focus has to be radiotherapy and then deal with what the future holds, which no one knows. Thanks again xx

Hello amazingafterall and thanks for posting, 

I am not sure exactly what she meant, but I think these sort of things are relative. Your consultant may be thinking that because the cancer didn't completely respond your risk of recurrence is higher than if it had, but this doesn't mean it is a given that the cancer will come back - don't underestimate the value of surgery and radiotherapy which are important components of treatment.   

Unfortunately as Jolamine remarked, the ability to come back after treatment is a hallmark of cancer that there is no getting away from, and most people find this understandably difficult to cope with. I don't think you should berate yourself for not feeling happy to be starting radiotherapy, adjusting to a new normal with seemingly less certainty takes time and sometimes the emotional impact of everything that has happened rears up and can be overwhelming. 

It might be an idea to have a chat with your breast care nurse and see what they say. 

I expect you have already come across them, but if not, it might be worth knowing about the charity Breast Cancer Now which provides support and information. See what they offer here. 

If you want to talk anything over please do give us a ring. We are around weekdays 9-5 and the number to call is Freephone 0808 800 4040. 

Best wishes, 

Julia

Thank you Julia, I think I need to talk more about how I am feeling tbh. I've spent the last 7 months focused on getting through chemo then surgery and after being told it had all been removed last week I was looking forward to my next and hopefully final step of radiotherapy. I think perhaps I'm just overwhelmed again and hearing the chemo had such a little effect kinda upset me though the surgery was a success so that I'm grateful for. I suppose I have to try and remember that each step is a way forward  and hopefully keep that in mind on my bad days. Thanks again xx

Hi amazingafterall,

I know that this comes as a real slap in the face when you've complied with all your chemo and were naturally looking forward to good news. Don't lose hope. Brighter days are around the corner.

It really does help to talk about how you feel. There's no point in bottling it up. Do you think that talking to a counsellor, who really knows how you are feeling might help? Sometimes it is easier to talk to an experienced stranger, than to listen to the well-meant platitudes of friends and family. There are many cancer charities who offer this service if you think that it might help.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx