Oh bless you, our imagination can be such a dangerous thing. It's difficult to pull ourselves back from those dark places. I totally understand, I was diagnosed with bc a few says before Christmas. My world turned upside down. Fast forward ...I now have had the tumour removed and am waiting for my treatment plan. In the meantime every ache and pain I imagine it's the cancer! 

I don't think it helped you when the first doctor said it was a lymph node to find later it wasn't....not helpful...but you now have the all clear...such a relief. Now...stay off dr google. He won't calm your nerves.... I know there will be other ladies along to soothe you...they are such a great bunch here.

So.....stop turning down work, you need to occupy that wild imagination. Make a point of checking yourself once a month ( and no more) talk your way through it out loud and make it routine....

You know your obsessing and that's the first step...at least your aware of this. It will all settle in time.... 

Take care...and remember all this stress is normal...be easier on yourself...xxx

Thank you so much for your response - I’m genuinely humbled you would take the time to talk to me when you’re dealing with so much. I wish you all the best for your recovery.

Im very aware it’s becoming an unhealthy obsession - after 3 ultrasounds, an mri and a biopsy I know I should feel relieved...and yet I don’t. Classic health anxiety in that I think they’ve missed something or got it wrong again.

In a case of utterly terrible timing I found the lump the night before the 16th anniversary of my sons death (he was stillborn when I was 21). The same week my husband was admitted to hospital with Weils disease (pretty rare in the U.K. and he was very poorly) I think these things, on top of undergoing tests to do with uterus problems earlier in the year - where cancer had to be ruled out - just made something snap inside me. Now I just feel constantly scared of my own body.

Thank you again - I recognise the insignificance of my imagined problems in the face of real illness so I do appreciate you giving your perspective.

best wishes xx

Hey hun,

Although I don't have breast cancer myself, and although I'm only 22, since I was 18 I've had quite a few scary experiences with lumps in my breasts. Added with my family history, it all made everything a lot worse for me mentally. The breast cancer in my family has been very dominant, and my whole world came crashing down when my beautiful Mum and best friend was diagnosed with an aggressive form of breast cancer on the 13th of November last year. She's currently going through Neo-adjuveient chemotherapy before she has to have surgery, most likely a mastectomy. 

But like yourself, horrible things happening with other people close to me, makes me think more about my own health and possibilities of something happening the same. The doctors think it's genetic, so whether it is or not, I am able now to opt for an elective double mastectomy if I wish to, and when I hit the age of being able to do so, I most definitely am going to. 

Sorry for going on about my experience, I just wanted you to feel as though someone else completely understands how you're feeling right now. I know how terrifying it can be to keep imagining the worse. Being bedbound too, I always find more time to worry about such things. But I was diagnosed with Depression And Anxiety, something I didn't think I had at all, because I guess when it's actually yourself, you don't notice the signs and symptoms of it at all! Haha. I'm no doctor, and I'm not diagnosing you at all, but maybe talking to your doctor about this may help. Even if they refer you for counselling, it may help you. I was the world's biggest sceptic of counselling until I realised I had nothing to lose and went. It helped so much talking to someone who is neutral, and is there to listen, not judge. You can speak more freely about the things that bother you, without fear of embarrassment or of upsetting anyone close to you, as it's confidential between you and your counsellor. Cognitive Behavioural therapy helped me a lot during counselling. If that doesn't help, or isn't something you want to do, I'm sure your GP can help you in other ways. But talking about it with anyone will help, and just do your routinely checks, and definitely don't Google things, that'll definitely not help! Haha. I know it's hard not to, but try to. 

And focusing on work may help you get back to normal, physically and mentally, and when you do that you may feel as though you're closing that chapter of scares and starting a new one over with. You got the all clear, keep positive about that, and remember you've had everything checked, and it was okay. 

I hope you start feeling better, I know how helpless everything feels when you are feeling the way you do right now, but please feel free to message me any time you want to if you'd just like a chat or to vent about anything. 

Lots of love and hugs, 

Alexia xxxx

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. Can I just say how sorry I am to hear about your mums diagnosis - I wish her (and you) all the best for her recovery.

With my own family, the Dr said I have a moderate family risk. My grandmother had breast cancer very young at 40, a partial mastectomy and lived to be 85. I’ve certainly been keeping her strength at the forefront of my mind. Unfortunately her sister died in her late 40s of ovarian cancer. My mum is the only other known female relative I have (I don’t know my extended family) and she is thankfully fine so far at 70. So my family risk could be lesser of greater, I just don’t know.

I have a Drs appointment for Wednesday - I didn’t want it to come to this but I recognise that I’m not snapping out of it. I had very poor mental health in my late teens/early twenties and I know it sounds stupid, but I pride myself these days in the life I’ve built from a difficult start and having a good stable mindset. This has really crushed me.

Im so glad I posted - my husband has really been through it (especially being ill himself when I found the lump) but since I got the all clear he’s expected me to be super happy and relieved (which I probably should be) but it just dragged on so long, by the time I got the results I think I’d just lost my mind.

Thank you again - and if you ever need to talk, please don’t hesitate to post.

Claire xx

No problem at all hun, I just wanted you to feel less alone. Thank you! She is doing quite a good job at kicking cancers butt! Haha. I never thought I could ever be prouder of her, but since this I somehow have. She's amazing! (She's the one in my photo on here) 

And honestly, no matter what a Doctor says, when you have such a family history involving cancer so much, it's hard not to worry. My Nan was diagnosed with an aggressive form of breast cancer and she died within 6 months of diagnosis. Then her sister had breast cancer really young, luckily she had her mastectomy and is still here today at the age of 75. Then my Aunty died in October from Cervical Cancer that had then spread to her pelvic lymph nodes and bowel and bladder, which became incurable around a year before she died. Then there was Mum who was diagnosed in November. When we had to fill in the Genetics forms to send off, going back 3 generations from my Mum, there was 1family member who didn't have cancer, and that was on both sides of the family. It just scares you any way, no matter what a Doctor says, I completely understand you. 

And I'm so glad you have an appointment. I know what you mean about priding yourself on things like that. I know it feels like you're starting to go backwards and not forwards again, but it's not you going back to that place, it's you realising that you need a little help because you have been through so so much these past months, and know that you don't want to become as poorly as you once were. For you to recognise that and choose to see your gp shows how brave you are, and that's very admirable. Especially in a time when mental health isn't always spoken about. 

I'm so glad you posted too! I'm glad you got the chance to get this all off your chest, and speak to people who can relate. I know theoretically you're meant to be super happy, like your husband expects you to be, but when you have such scary experiences all together, a family history like ours and also a mind like ours that does it's own fair share of overtime haha, then it's hard to be like that. It's hard to be happy and excited because you find yourself even questioning if the tests were right or if it'll happen again. So for now, just focus on the fact that you have nothing sinister, it was all medically clear, and that you were perceptive enough to notice the lump in the first place and go to your GP when you did notice it. Alot of people don't check, and don't go to their GP's expecting it'll be nothing to worry about, but you did the right thing. You'll get through the anxiety etc again just like you did when you were younger, and I hope so badly nothing else goes wrong for you or your family! 

Thank you so much, I really appreciate it hun :) 

Good luck with the GP, lots of love and hugs to you 

Alexia xxxx