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So scared and can't see a future

Lori05
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First of all i am so sorry for sounding selfish when so many others dealing with this

I thought maybe writing this will make me calm down and stop the tears. Can't stop crying  even though i know it's pointless i just can't stop

had colonoscopy on 3rd July and Dr found a 25mm  sessile lesion, iia+iic, pit type V he spoke to me and told me he found something he was very concerned about,  He didn't remove the lesion but took urgent biopsies and also sent me for a CT TAP scan and told me to get fitter for surgery as I am very overweight. 

I had colonoscopy on July 3rd and CT TAP on Jul 16th but have had no results or update from the hospital. They told me on Jul 3rd it would be 2-3 weeks for results marked urgent. But  i knew when doctor and nurse spoke to me he already knew what biopsy would tell him and said CT TAP was to have everything in place. I was too much of a coward to phone the hospital and ask for an update and if my rings during the day my legs turn to jelly, ii shake and I feel I can't breathe.

i have researched this type of lesion in so many ways and the word 'benign' is found nowhere- only malignancy and very high risk of invasion.  I have never been so scared, I am on my own with  a teenage son and all I can think about is what is he going to do if I am not there.  I can't sleep properly when i do it's nightmares, i almost feel paralysed  with fear. i don't want to leave the house. I know I must sound crazy.

I am so sorry for my ramblings. 

  • Offline in reply to Lori05

    Some people find speaking to. Macmillan nurses useful but others not.  After all, they can only speak in generalities and won't have had the opportunity to gain a picture of your medical history, personality, life experiences etc.  Theres also all different kinds of counselling and one size does not fit all.  For example I'm not a fan of probing psychotherapy but have found CBT very practical and down to earth.  However, completely take on board what you say about counselling not being for you and that's fine.

    I also personally think anti depressants can be very useful in dealing with anxiety.  They don't "take over your mind", don't necessarily give you side effects and don't make you like a zombie if you get the dosage right.However some people don't like them at all so it's really your call as to what you feel you need and what you feel comfortable with 

    All the best to you

  • Offline in reply to Hopecalm

    Thank you so much for taking the time to offer kindness and support  especially when you too are going through your own experience.

    Normally i can deal with any emergency calmly but this is so different.  I'm trapped and there's no escape. I know my son won't cope. He's only 18.

    I am so sorry that i have rambled  on about what's happening when everyone else going through it as well.  

    Once again thank you and best wishes x

  • Offline in reply to Lori05

    No need to be sorry about off loading.  It's the right thing to do. Nobody minds.

  • Offline in reply to Lori05

    I have breast cancer now spread to lungs & liver. What hope is there for me?

  • Offline in reply to Dilys

    Hi Dilys,  I am sorry to hear about your diagnosis.  What a shock to hear that you have secondary breast cancer.  Are you on active treatment now, because there is always new treatment and medication and trials.  They can control and slow the disease down now for a long time.  Please don't think that there is no hope for you, there is always hope.  Is this a new diagnosis for you because I know at first it is very difficult but it does get easier.  You are not alone.

    Lee x

  • Offline in reply to Dilys

    HI Dilys

    Take some hope from Lee's positive relpy. She too has metastatic breast cancer. Take one day at a time and enjoy what you can.  I derive joy from nature about me, watching things grow, a tasty meal, a pint with friends, receiving photos of my grandchildren, sunsets  nice walks. There are treatments available to slow cancer spread or to alleviate pain take up every offer. Im on palliative care now and enyoying what Im able to while accepting there are things I cant do. A phone call to the nurses here is always worthwhile whether to just talk things over or for good practical advice. Also all us Motley Crew of people living with cancer are here for you. 

    Ed

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