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So scared and can't see a future

Lori05
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First of all i am so sorry for sounding selfish when so many others dealing with this

I thought maybe writing this will make me calm down and stop the tears. Can't stop crying  even though i know it's pointless i just can't stop

had colonoscopy on 3rd July and Dr found a 25mm  sessile lesion, iia+iic, pit type V he spoke to me and told me he found something he was very concerned about,  He didn't remove the lesion but took urgent biopsies and also sent me for a CT TAP scan and told me to get fitter for surgery as I am very overweight. 

I had colonoscopy on July 3rd and CT TAP on Jul 16th but have had no results or update from the hospital. They told me on Jul 3rd it would be 2-3 weeks for results marked urgent. But  i knew when doctor and nurse spoke to me he already knew what biopsy would tell him and said CT TAP was to have everything in place. I was too much of a coward to phone the hospital and ask for an update and if my rings during the day my legs turn to jelly, ii shake and I feel I can't breathe.

i have researched this type of lesion in so many ways and the word 'benign' is found nowhere- only malignancy and very high risk of invasion.  I have never been so scared, I am on my own with  a teenage son and all I can think about is what is he going to do if I am not there.  I can't sleep properly when i do it's nightmares, i almost feel paralysed  with fear. i don't want to leave the house. I know I must sound crazy.

I am so sorry for my ramblings. 

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    Hi,

    you feel totally normal. Waiting for results are the most stressful time. I am undergoing treatment for stage 3 breast cancer. Don’t worry even if news are not good, there are so many treatments options nowadays thankfully. Tell me If can help in any way

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    Don't apologise for what you have said / feel.  Most people would feel exactly the same way.  fIt is a horrible situation... In my experience, people do mentally survive all sorts of things they never thought they'd be able to.  Were stronger than we think. And you won't always feel like this.  Things that can help on a cancer journey:

    medication 

    counselling 

    more information (but not from Google)

    distraction 

    friends / family

    massage,/ facial 

    Hope that helps in some small way.  Keep in touch 

  • Offline in reply to Hopecalm

    Hello, 

    Thank you so much for your kind words and thoughts. I have survived a lot in life including losing a child and now i find myself in a position where my teenage son will lose me and I have brought him up on my own so what will he do, how will he cope because he is so deep and keeps everything inside him. 

    I don't want to leave the house, this is in my head constantly, feel I can't breathe. Nothing is distracting me. The tears won't stop even though there is no point. Cancer is like an unknown stalker with it's prey feeling is this the day it gets me.

    I have googled and done the Chat GPT, I've looked at everything i can find to do with the combination of factors of lesion on various sites and videos and these lesions are never benign and the characteristics all point to invasive bowel cancer.

    When the doctor and nurse called my sister in after the colonoscopy and then spoke to me i knew he was telling me without saying the words that he had found cancer- he said he found something very suspicious and it concerned him - he couldn't remove it  in case of perforating my bowel so took urgent biopsies and ordered a CT TAP scan and referred me to colorectal nurses. He also told me to get fitter for surgery.  So i still have this large lesion inside me almost 4 weeks later wondering how big it ahs grown.  Since 2011 I have had 5 colonoscopies, the last 3 were May 2022, Mar 2023 and then  July 3rd so it has been missed on several occasions.

    When the colorectal nurse phoned me the following day and I asked her if this was cancer her words were   ' well MR ******* is a very very very experienced doctor and he obviously saw something that greatly concerned him, hence the urgency and the need for evidence to move things forward'.  That told me everything. I have lost so many family to cancer

    So sorry for the long rant. 

  • Offline in reply to Irma

    Hello,

    Thank you for your very kind reply.

    I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. 

    My apologies for ranting when you are going through such a hard time. 

    I thought that bowel cancer was very curable but in everything i have read i have found out that it isn't unless caught early. This lesion has been missed several times and with all the combined factors it means that isn't good

  • Offline in reply to Lori05

    Could you look on. what the doctor said about needing to get fit for surgery as a challenge and something to aim at?  Like your taking control of some aspects of the situation?  Exercise is always good and at the very least can be relaxing.

    There are organisations like Daisy's Dream and The Ruth Strauss Foundation which can supply  children (therefore, by extension, yourself, with the cancer journey. Also something to get busy with..

    Also, a cancer diagnosis doesn't necessarily mean a death sentence.  There are plenty of treatments out there which prove to be very successful in treating cancer...This could well apply to you.

  • Offline in reply to Hopecalm

    Hi,

    My son won't speak to anyone and counselling isn't for me either. You can't change facts. I don't feel anger I just feel it's over. 

  • Offline in reply to Hopecalm

    i can totally get what you mean. Getting fitter is not the easiest because I have other health conditions affecting joints and it would take a long time!! I still have this cancerous lesion growing inside me which is also in my head 24/7. 

    A couple of yrs ago my son lost his male role model in his life when he died and that has had a major effect on him and he won't speak to anyone and now he will lose me and I am so scared myself but terrified for him. he's only 18 

    I know I must sound so selfish because everyone here is going through a terrible time and I am moaning and rambling. My sincere apologies for that

  • Offline in reply to Lori05

    I felt like you waiting for results.  I googled everything and then got really scared. I was also told to stay fit. It's a horrible rollercoaster. You are completely normal feeling as you do. You will get through this. It need not be a death sentence.  They might be able to get the cancer out. I made myself go for a walk when I was feeling overwhelmed. That gave me a bit of control back. Macmillan are brilliant to talk to. You can email them. I had surgery five weeks ago and came out the end. You will too. You are stronger than you think. Ranting is good. I wish you the very best of luck.  You've got this.

  • Offline in reply to ChristineMac

    I am terrified,  i have googled, chat gpt, read articles, watched videos and all say its bad.

    I spoke to a mcmillan nurse tonight and didnt feel any better. 

    I hope you have a fast path to being fighting fit once more x

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