First of all i am so sorry for sounding selfish when so many others dealing with this

I thought maybe writing this will make me calm down and stop the tears. Can't stop crying  even though i know it's pointless i just can't stop

had colonoscopy on 3rd July and Dr found a 25mm  sessile lesion, iia+iic, pit type V he spoke to me and told me he found something he was very concerned about,  He didn't remove the lesion but took urgent biopsies and also sent me for a CT TAP scan and told me to get fitter for surgery as I am very overweight. 

I had colonoscopy on July 3rd and CT TAP on Jul 16th but have had no results or update from the hospital. They told me on Jul 3rd it would be 2-3 weeks for results marked urgent. But  i knew when doctor and nurse spoke to me he already knew what biopsy would tell him and said CT TAP was to have everything in place. I was too much of a coward to phone the hospital and ask for an update and if my rings during the day my legs turn to jelly, ii shake and I feel I can't breathe.

i have researched this type of lesion in so many ways and the word 'benign' is found nowhere- only malignancy and very high risk of invasion.  I have never been so scared, I am on my own with  a teenage son and all I can think about is what is he going to do if I am not there.  I can't sleep properly when i do it's nightmares, i almost feel paralysed  with fear. i don't want to leave the house. I know I must sound crazy.

I am so sorry for my ramblings.