Waiting on breast biopsy results - heads a mess

Hello everyone.

Ive never really posted on anything like this before but I just feel so lost and scared right now I thought Id see if there is anyone else out there feeling the same. 
Im 36, beautiful son and hubby. Couple of weeks ago was doing my fake tan, noticed just the slightest of dips in my left breast (bottom outer corner). I was due on my cycle so left it a few days encase it was something related and when it didnt go I made an appointment with my GP. They couldn't feel anything but made a referral to the breast clinic based on asymmetrical breasts. 
So I head to the clinic, consultant has a feel and agrees on the dip and can feel a lump underneath it. This then leads them to book me in as urgent for the following day but for a biopsy, mammograms and so on. So I have the mammograms done, they take multiple images. Wait again to head into the consultation room with 2 student nurses, the consultant, a Ultrasound tech and a nurse. They start talking about the lump and identify another one but at this point Im a bit numb and not really taking it all in. I have the biopsies done and then the consultant speaks to me, here is where Im upset at myself as I cant remember the exact wording (my head was and is a mess) but something along the lines of “Concerned” or “Suspecting” malignancy. It was all so fast though. I had titanium chips popped in over the two lumps tested then sent back out for another mammogram to confirm their placement and booking me in for an MRI. During the last mammogram I felt so stupid, I was almost literally frozen as every muscle was so tense and I just couldn't stop trembling. The poor technician was trying to get me to relax but I just couldn’t 
I feel so lost, so scared and to be honest completely blindsided and I don't know if Im just being a big baby or if this is a normal reaction to it all. Has anyone experienced something similar and its come back as benign? Im praying it comes back benign but their reaction and way they are speaking has made me feel like they already know it’s cancer. Then I spiral thinking oh god what if its spread already? And the littlest pain anywhere is making me so paranoid.
Im so grateful to my GP and hospital for moving so quickly, the other half just feels terrified. 
Sorry for the long rambly post and thank you for reading, I just feel like Im free falling right now x

  • Hope your meeting with Onco goes well lovely xx

  • Hi hun, got a phone call earlier, got an appointment on Monday 9am to see doctor about radiotherapy....my stomach went over...I know the worst is over but I'm still sensitive with it all....then on my app the histology report came through....OMG that was a read and an half of which some makes no sense to me..but still same outcome I expect. Xxx

  • Thank you. The consultant said that they are going to reduce the dose of the E part of the EC so they don't obliterate my white blood cells this time.  So fingers crossed this time. When do you start chemo? Xx

  • Thank you. I hope your appointment on Monday goes well! Xx

  • Oh hon, how are you feeling now? 
    its good they can sort of tinker with the doses to find a balance that our bodies can handle but  its just all a bit scary at the same time isnt it!

    I just found out I have my bloods and pre-assesment on the 29th and subject to that going well Ive got my first EC on the 31st! Halloween of all days, Il be in chemo in the morning and trick or treating in the evening now. I worked out the dates and because Im dose dense subject to everything going okay my last session will be early Feb. xxx

  • Just wanted to tell everyone my mammogram was fine. Nothing of concern. So much cancer in the family it just weighed on my head terribly. My partner has his pet scan next week. Can only hope he gets good news too.

    Thinking of you all x

  • Sorry it's late, hope your feeling OK with all this going on. Thinking of you and  all the time. Xx

  •    hiya...well this morning went OK apart from me just randomly breaking down in tears when the car park attendant asked if I was a patient or visitor. I was so overwhelmed with the drive there...anyhow all went well, explained what to expect etc. So I'll have 5 sessions of radiotherapy, one a day over 5 days. If for example it starts on a Wednesday then I get Saturday and Sunday off then just start again on a Monday. Prior to that I'll have a scan to measure me up and the famous tattoo dots a lot have told me about lol. Just a case of waiting for the appointment to come through. Should be anytime soon really. Drove to work after and took my time getting there lol. Hope you're OK xxx

  • Oh lovely, how are you feeling now? I dont see it as random at all hon, its very justified and understandable you’d feel emotional. Be as kind and lovely to yourself as you are to all of us, you have been through so so much and in the grand scheme all of us have gone/going through it all so very recently. Its all very raw and may be for a while yet. 

    Thats great news that your having the 5 sessions hon, it will fly by before you know it and then your out of the active treatment side and on to the road of putting this behind you!! 

    Have you looked into the Moving Forward courses? Ive never been one for sharing my feelings or counseling or therapy but have certainly had my fair share of experiences which may have benefited from doing so. Im definitely going to look to do the moving forward course as a way of starting to draw a line under it all as much as is possible.
    Im struggling at the moment with not worrying every time I have a ache or pain even though my CT and MRI were clear. Im also mid having my kitchen redone and every room is a state, plus Im smothering with a real sinusy cold at the moment too which isn't helping in the slightest as my house feels like a solid representation of my stressy psyche lol xxx