Hey everyone, 

Hope your all okay. 

Struggling to sleep right now. 
Had my meeting with Oncology today, lovely person and talked me through everything. I just feel like it was such a different conversation compared to my post ops. 
Post ops was so positive and it all felt very “you can go for chemo if you want” radiotherapy wasn't even discussed. I was told to check over Predict with the sentiments that my cancer was removed with surgery and due to its stage/grade and as a luminal A its less aggressive/likely to return and if I wanted I could just take my tamoxifen and go but I opted to go for chemo to mop up any strays and for my own piece of mind.

Cut to today’s appointment and its now being referred to by the Onco as “more aggressive” and although in terms of treatment Im HER - it did have HER cells but its still negative and it wont change treatment at all. Il be doing 4 sessions of EC and 4 of Paclitaxel over 4 months. Il also be having some sort of injection for my bones once every 6months for 3 years and being put forward for ovarian suppression now. 
The Oncologist felt Oncotype would just be wasting time as due to my age and it having been multifocal it would likely have scored in the intermediate to high risk bracket and have just merely delayed chemo. He then throws in radiotherapy due to my age even though I had a Mx I should discuss RT. I had to ask if what I was told about it all after surgery was still the case as it just felt like such a different conversation. 
I feel like what positive sentiments I took from my post ops have been shaken a bit. I know its silly to but a part of me clung on to the fact my predict score was good (98% for 5years and 90% for 15 years) for comfort but I was told by my onco to “take Predict with a pinch of salt” although he did go through it with me and got the same result as me but said where as on predict it gave me a between 1.5 - 3% benefit to chemo he felt it would be closer to 10% benefit in reality. A pretty huge difference in my eyes!

I suppose I just feel a bit more scared again which is weird as apart from the bit about HER2 I knew the rest, just felt a bit like today had a more threatening tone to it all. Has anyone else had this kind of difference between their surgeon to their oncologist? Id rather go belts and braces with it but post ops just felt so much more hopeful, reassuring and less threatening than today. 

Sorry for the long vent its just all playing on my mind. 

xxx

Hi Rambleon. Yes I had the same experience between my surgeons and my oncologist. I haven't been given my Predict scores but did do it myself. I am now very sceptical about my surgery and I'm now even wondering if I was given the right advice about that too.  It doesn't help our piece of mind at all. I go back to the oncologist tomorrow for the first cycle review. Xx

Its so bizarre isnt it! 
surgical were so positive but yesterday it just had a different tone to it all.

My husband thinks Im reading too much into it as none of the information has really changed at all apart from the possibility of radiotherapy and reminds me I was still stage 2a and this is all preventative now. 
I dont know how to describe it though, I know it maybe sounds a bit dramatic but I genuinely think Im a bit traumatized by it all as I really struggle the first few days after appointments, my brain is on hight alert. RedRuth84  what chemo are you on lovely? Im doing 4x EC and 4x Taxol over 4 months xx

I'm currently on 3x Ec and 3x Docetaxel. However I spent last week in hospital with neutropenic sepsis. My neutrophils went down to 0.06. Buy they couldn't find an infection as such. I rebounded well to treatment and was out of the 5th day.  I'm sure this will be discussed tomorrow. Xx

Oh hon!! How are you feeling now? Keep us posted on how you get on tomorrow lovely. Xx

Hope your meeting with Onco goes well lovely xx

Hope all goes well xx

Hope all goes well xx

Thank you. I hope your appointment on Monday goes well! Xx

 Rambleon88  hiya...well this morning went OK apart from me just randomly breaking down in tears when the car park attendant asked if I was a patient or visitor. I was so overwhelmed with the drive there...anyhow all went well, explained what to expect etc. So I'll have 5 sessions of radiotherapy, one a day over 5 days. If for example it starts on a Wednesday then I get Saturday and Sunday off then just start again on a Monday. Prior to that I'll have a scan to measure me up and the famous tattoo dots a lot have told me about lol. Just a case of waiting for the appointment to come through. Should be anytime soon really. Drove to work after and took my time getting there lol. Hope you're OK xxx

Oh lovely, how are you feeling now? I dont see it as random at all hon, its very justified and understandable you’d feel emotional. Be as kind and lovely to yourself as you are to all of us, you have been through so so much and in the grand scheme all of us have gone/going through it all so very recently. Its all very raw and may be for a while yet. 

Thats great news that your having the 5 sessions hon, it will fly by before you know it and then your out of the active treatment side and on to the road of putting this behind you!! 

Have you looked into the Moving Forward courses? Ive never been one for sharing my feelings or counseling or therapy but have certainly had my fair share of experiences which may have benefited from doing so. Im definitely going to look to do the moving forward course as a way of starting to draw a line under it all as much as is possible.
Im struggling at the moment with not worrying every time I have a ache or pain even though my CT and MRI were clear. Im also mid having my kitchen redone and every room is a state, plus Im smothering with a real sinusy cold at the moment too which isn't helping in the slightest as my house feels like a solid representation of my stressy psyche lol xxx

Hi hun, now I'm at home I'm OK, been a long day and been yawning like Bagpuss this afternoon lol. Your right it is still raw and all very new to us all. Going to a Cancer hospital was hard to, seeing everyone at their different stages...gosh you have got a lot going on, be lovely when the new kitchen is finished hun, oooohhh wish I could revamp mine, I've got a list of wha needs doing lol. I know what you mean about every ache or pain, it's like what's that, then you have to remind yourself we still just out of surgery and it's repairing now. My boyfriend keeps reminding me I've done the worse bit...I did spot the moving forward booklet today, annoyed with myself I didn't pick it up. I've got that Maggie's appointment on Thursday so maybe they will have one. Nurse today said it was great that I'm going as they get company's dropping off different moisturiser and skin cream and they hand it out so ill get a goody bag she said. I know it's a means to an end and that's what I'll have to focus on....xxx

 TM1  Rambleon88  also look into the Someone Like Me service from Breast Cancer Now. I've found it really helpful. 

I totally understand the fear of any new symptoms. I am living that right now. 

I've got chemo cycle 2 on Wednesday. I went for blood tests today to confirm the cycle can go ahead and I've been and had my hair clippered short and now wearing my wig and caps. Quite a step, but my hair started falling out rapidly on Friday and throughout the weekend so it was necessary. Much better to take charge of it. 

Keep on being strong ladies. You've got this!   Xx

Aww thanks lovely will definitely look into that as well. Sorry to hear about your hair loss so quickly. You sound quite strong and took charge of it, which is fantastic. Good luck for Wednesday, we've got this indeed and thank you all for the support it means so much...have a relaxing evening xx

OMG get all the goody bags you can hon! Ive heard this too about companies giving away products and lord knows we have all been/going through it so if there is a freebie silver lining to be found girls we have to lasso it!!

Your exactly right hon, its a means to an end and as horrible as it all is as far as treatment goes your on the home stretch now and you have done so well :-)!! Xxx

You've made me proper giggle hun. Bless ya sweetheart and I'll definitely grab a bag, hugs xxx :-) 

Oh hon, how are you feeling now after cycle 1? Sending you a big hug, it really sucks not trusting our bodies right now. There is no innocent ache or pain anymore as my mind wanders to the “OMG but what if!?”. My right boob actually started aching so I emailed my bcn like “so I know left boob stole the show but just want to double check they took a real good look at righty because I just don't trust her!”.

Hope your holding up okay with wigs and caps. Did you go for a wig like your own hair or trying something new? Ive got 2 blondes and a brown and may get myself something funky as I figure why the heck not! 

Sending lots of love and hugs to you both ladies xxx

I coped with Cycle 1 better than I expected except for the neutropenia.  Due to this they are dropping the dose of the E part of the EC this time. 

I went for one the same colour as my hair but a bit longer as the shorter style looked silly. I wore it for an hour yesterday and was glad to get it off to be honest. I'd had my hair clippered and didn't want to do the school run like that so I took the wig to the hairdresser and then on the school run. I'll just have to get used to it I think. 

When do you start chemo? Xx