So, i'm not entirely sure how to start. I'm used to talking to people, I do it every single day in my job. I've always been the one helping others. All off a sudden the kilter shifts and i'm the one now on the other end.
I'm 32, I work for my local Ambulance Service as an Emergency Medical Technician, I have a wonderful partner and 3 amazing step children. I have gained more in the last 5 years in finally making a relationship with the girl I have loved since I was a spotty 15 year old.
Roll back to earlier last year, April/May time. I became concerned about a large lunp seeming to form, thought it was just my lymph glands being up after a bout of tonsilitis.
Was given an initial benign diagnosis, twice after 2 biopsies to the area. They thought it was a Branchial Cleft Cyst.
Finally got to see ENT prior to the removal of the area and he began to express some concern about my Tonsil and initially was going to perform a tonsilectomy. At the same time they made me the offer to have my full surgery and have the lump from my neck removed. I was elated. Surgery went well but also on the morning made me aware they had simply decided to biopsy my tonsil.
I am now here 3 weeks post surgery, now with a diagnosis of HPV+ Tonsil Cancer (my diagnosis was about 6 days ago). Today I have been for my CT Scan to confirm if it has remained isolated other than the spread to my Lynmph nodes. (I believe if there are no further spreads my TNM will be T1 N3 M0 with HPV. I cried before I even sat down on the CT bed.
I finished a night shift last night and i'm pretty much at the point of being awake for 24hrs apart from a small break last night at work.
I'm awaiting a meeting come Monday to decide my showdown with this. I have been told to prepare for Radiochemotherapy over 6-8 weeks once everything is in place.
In my line of work i've seen alot of death, even over the last few days i've dealt with people at work being close to that point and having that control of shifting your priorities to that person, even for a short time has kept me sane.
Getting home however, I have lost count the ammount i've cried. I've lost my appetite and as above, sleep at this point would be amazing.
I think i'm ready to battle this but at the same time, I worry about my sanity, my mortality and most importantly my family.
I want to beat this, I know I have to beat this, but finding the strength from what is seeminly an abyss... i'm going around in circles with crying and attempting to be normal! how do you do it?
They're definatley right in what they say, seeing and dealing are two very different things in Cancer. I have been told my prognosis is good, they have prior imaging of my tonsil before my lymph removal but even with my consultant telling me there is a good if not very good chance of a cure... I still feel numb.
