Hi Lisa,

There are bound to be ups and downs. But you can draw on the strength you've found today. 

You really have done brilliantly.

Hope you sleep better after today's exercise.

Day at a time.

Lots of hugs/good wishes to you, hubby and doggyx

They are only goldfish in a very small container pond , they wouldn't make much of a sandwich. Other half enjoyed watching me empty out green water so he had a good afternoon too.

lets hope the demons don't catch me at 3 in the morning 

thank you x

Hi, slept ok then woke up at the dreaded 3 am almost in a panic after a bad dream . I thought I'd got a handle on it but it seems not. The sick feeling deep in my stomach is there again. 
going to think of positive things to do today and not google again.

can I ask one question . The nurse told my partner that the tumour was classified as T4n2. From the googling I've done before that doesn't seem to be enough numbers or letters in it. She did say it was t4 because of the size and growing through the wall or something, as I said I want listening as was in shock. 
Im only asking as I think we are in a funny position  as we know some things but not others

thank you everyone

lisa 

Hi Lisa glad you slept well some of the night that's a start, 

Hope you find plenty to do, probably gardening this time of the year all those pesky weeds popping up all the time. 

Those numbers and letters as you already know T4 is the main tumor, I'm guessing because different cancer vary but more than likely n2 will be lymph nodes, you don't get any more because it hasn't gone anywhere else.

With mine it's T3B which is as high as it gets then N1 which is same as yours then M1B which is to say its gone other places (metastatic).

Lovely job keeping off Google last night. Your definitely getting there just the odd hickup. 

Don't forget one day at a time., maybe even do some cooking for later in the week.. 

Best wishes for the future. 

Billy

P.s remember I'm guessing with your hubby results but it seems logical.

Hopefully our chrissie will pop on to have a word she's the good one at words of wisdom. [@Chriss]‍ . 

Hi Lisa,

Glad you got some sleep.

This cancer research website has staging information. However, I am giving you the link for the top overview page for information about bowel cancer so you can choose what to look at or not.

www.cancerresearchuk.org/.../bowel-cancer

Maybe don't look at things until you are able to call the nurse helpline should anything you read bother or confuse you. And please see my important note below about looking things up when you are not sure of the information and may frighten yourself on the basis of half-heard figures.

From what you have said, it looks like you could be stage 3 given that stage 4 is metastatic and you would then have an M number as well as a T number. But I do not have enough information to know  - and neither do you by the sound of it.

You need to get more information from an oncology surgeon. Please use these pages primarily to formulate all the questions you want to ask on Thursday not to scare yourself. Also, if you get frightened then you must be in a position to call for support. If you feel you cannot call a helpline, then how much information do you want to take on board before then/how will you be in a good state to hear what you are told on Thursday? 

Overall statistics can be misleading. Remember every cancer is individual and your oncology team are best placed to advice.

Staging information should always be given in a clear manner by those in a position to explain properly what the information means and I am bothered by the fact you have figures which aren't making sense and that were given in a hurry without full explanation. 

Remember what Billy and David have said. Billy and David are stage 4 and they have M numbers. 

A lot depends on an individual, how they respond to treatments, the exact spread/pattern of things and so much can vary. 

Your role is pulling together all the questions you want to ask the consultant on Thursday and staying calm to take that information in. Write it down carefully!  You need to be the best support possible for your hubby this week. Sending you lots of positivity vibes and good hopes. 

If I were you, I would speak to a nurse before looking anything up as Jenn recommended. But I'm not you!! Big hugs, and remember what Billy says. 

I think there may be more than one system for staging bowel cancer and that may explain some of the confusion. But honestly, you need the experts to advise not me.

Take care,

thinking of you, big big hugsx

Hi, thank you for your detailed reply. I'm beginning to doubt what she said now and I heard it in speakerphone . 
she said it was a t 4 tumour n.2 my partner asked her what stage it was and she said 4 as it was a 3.9 tumour that had gone into surrounding tissues and to 13/18 nodes. He asked if it had gone anywhere else and she said they thought the liver first but he had a second ct scan and it showed not. 
 

I asked what the stage was and she said 4 and then went on to explain margins and positive lymph nodes. I'm now beginning to think it had spread and she hasn't told him and I'm more scared to ring to get even worse news

im going over and over and over it she just said it was a tumour t4n2 

just when I thought it had settled down

im sobecared

lisa 

Hi thank you for your reply. I just keep thinking t4 that's the worst it can get 

I'm panicking now 

Lisa 

she did also say it was locally advanced 

Hi Lisa,

t4 is only referring to tumour size. 

It is not the full picture.

In the worst case scenarios you would have an M number too.

But it isn't just about tumour size but also tumour cells.

Each cancer is individual.

There are two grades of t4 anyway.

Do you even know which one you were told?

Please please stay calm

Hugsxxx

Hi Lisa,

I don't think you are in a good position to take information on board and interpret it.

The thing to focus on is that you have a treatment plan. Remember what Billy said about chemo mopping things up.

Locally advanced can also be dealt with.

You are focussing on detail that you are unsure of. I only tried to give a reply because you specifically asked. And I cautioned you against thinking it's the worst. You are catastrophising again.

Please please let's move on again today. As you did bravely yesterday.

I need you to understand enough to get a proper understanding when you go on Thursday and try not to have the immediate panic reaction then.

Please stop thinking oh it's x and they haven't told us...

Think I don't know. I have yet to find out. But we do have a treatment plan. I am going to build a good rapport with the oncology team.

Yes, cry. That is fine. But do not catastrophise. Get out in the open air.

Can you have breakfast watching the fish? What plans do you have for today?

If you are going to panic then you need to call a nurse helpline. The Macmillan line may already be open.

Do not panic. Please. Hugsxx