How were you told you have cancer?

I am the wife of the patient. My husband was fast tracked because of weight loss and slow swallowing. He had an endoscopy and a couple of biopsies...results came back a month later by post...inflammation. Another endoscopy and more biopsies...two weeks and letter said MDT meeting due. Next morning a phone call at 8 am. Hubby asleep I answered...was told by a nurse, who said I usually do this face to face but it is cancer. I was stunned into silence, just saying yes and scribbling down..he’ll have a scan, oncology will be in touch, surgery at ...(miles away)...phone number. When my husband got up I told him he had to have a PET scan. I could not tell him it was cancer. I had an appointment with our lovely GP that morning anyway and told her. She held my hand and was shocked but said leave it with me. The nurse in question rang mid afternoon and said lightly “How are you after your early morning call?” I said “Not good, I can’t tell him, I can’t find the words.” He then spoke to my husband who took it calmly. He sobbed in my arms and so did I , a few days later. Now the appointments are coming thick and fast. We are on a frightening journey, need a guide but trust evaporated with this specialist nurse...who holds a high post we find. We have had our three score years and ten, the time left is precious and we don’t want anger and bitterness just love.

 

 

  • Hi there ...

    Words are beond me ... that's surely not allowed...  a nurse to tell the wife of a patient his results... surly that's not ethical or right .. and to do it over the phone .. I'd definatly complain to his oncology team later ..  I would have been fuming if someone I love was told befor me, I had cancer .. 

    Saying that .. now get some vertual boxing gloves on and join us all in the ring ready to kick it's ***.... there's loads of us in there ... coz cancer wants you to lay down and never get up and just give in .. 

    I now just take every day as a bonus... live the best day I can .. pack in as many memories as possible.. and remember, no one knows if they have tomorrow.... so make today count ...

    Sending you a vertual hug...  Chrissie xx

  • Hi,

    That is a terrible way to break the news to a patient or their spouse. Words fail me. It doesn't matter how high up the specialist nurse is, you need to complain to your husband's oncologist. If you don't have faith in a member of his care team then it will impact on how your husband deals with his treatment - you need to have complete confidence in his team and this nurse sounds to have no social skills or empathy and has lost touch with how to speak to patients.

    I would search on the hospital website to see if it names the medical team in the department treating your husband. Sometimes there is more than one specialist nurse - I would then make a complaint to the oncologist explaining what's happened and how you have no confidence in this nurse and ask to be placed under the care of one of the other nurses. Sometimes, as Chrissie says, we have to put our virtual boxing gloves on and that includes fighting for the best care for your husband. Don't worry about voicing your concerns - my consultant believes that patient empowerment is the way forward!

    Good luck

    Angie x

     

  • thank you Angie. We will try to politely ask for a different nurse.
  • I am in a similar situation and my heartfelt sadness goes to you and your husband . My husband was 18 month post liver transplant with liver cancer but was living life to the full again , severe backache brought a request for CT scan , a week later we got a call on a break away to say cancer back , absolutely no surgery option this time , we were left devastated , a letter arrived to attend oncology appt, where we were told no cure , worse cancer in colongiocarcinoma , spread to lymph and lung , trial of chemo combination but six treatments in CT scan showed chemo had no effect and it had spread, the consultant delivered this with no skill or empathy and when my husband asked if he would be here at Christmas he was told I don’t think so and you won’t need to come back to clinic , this was just two days ago and I am utterly lost x

     

  • Your words make mine so trivial Buddyboo. We can offer little or no advice as we are only a week in from the ‘notification’. Just allow friends and family to comfort you and ask when you need help. You were a naturally empathetic nurse but I think ‘Breaking bad news’ training is sadly inadequate. Just a one day workshop, in some places, I have read.

    you and your husband will be in our prayers.

  • I feel so angry on your husband's and your behalf. Telling you, rather than your husband, is actually unlawful as it breaches your husband's common law right to confidentiality and the EU and UK data protection laws. 

    Please submit a formal complaint - this flies in the face of so many acceptable standards.

    The vast majority of patients are told face to face by a consultant. The Trust I am under won't even give good news out over the phone to avoid people assuming the news is bad if they are called in for a face to face consultation. 

     

    Best wishes

    Dave

  • Thank you Dave, didn’t know that! First Oncology appt on Monday so we will see what is said. Don’t want to make a fuss... just a different nurse. Too much to think about. Similar cancer to yours if you are  davek who posted in 2015.