Hello Shumba7 and welcome to the forum.  Sad news about your friend.  Good on you for remembering your friend is still the person you have known and loved for a long time and not suddenly treating her solely as a terminally ill person.  When I have helped with the care of friends in a similar situation they have said they want people to remember they are still the person they have known for a long time and not to suddenly start being extra nice and speaking sotto voce about their illness.  You don't give the details of your friend's illness (and of course you are under no obligation to do so!) but do you have any idea about the timescale involved?  There will sadly become a point when I imagine her situation will become obvious to a wider circle.  Are you able to use Skype so that you and your friend (if she does not object) can see each other given that she does not want to be visited at this time?   There may be things your friend would like - a cassette of favourite music that you both enjoy maybe - smallish gifts as you don't want to overdo it.  But of course you are right about being guided by your friend and could just say you would carry out anything she would like you to do and leave it at that.  I know I have not offered anything original in terms of what to do but just wanted to say I am sorry and that you sound to be doing the right things.    Annie

Dear Annie,

Thank you so much for taking the time to write your kind, thoughtful and helpfull words.

I don't know the time scale and have been afraid to broach that, as I feel she may not want me to know or to disclose to those that do know. It is who she is as a person.

You have in deed offered a lot first and foremost in writing to me and in all that you have said.

Annie, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. XXXXX

Hi Shumba,

Really sorry about your friend's prognosis, and it must be so hard for you when you are so far away.  I really commend you for trying to chat about normal every day things.  It must be hard for our loved ones, especially as they will have many questions, but we often do not have the answers so there is no point the questions being asked.  And while sometimes we will find our minds preoccupied with our cancer, even when out with friends, it is much more fun to be talking about ordinary, every day life things, current affairs, and what is going on in our friends' lives.  In fact the thing that I've found hardest is that I've gone from being someone with lots to talk about to being off work, unable to concentrate on the news, and feel like I've become the boring person to hang out with.

I agree with everything Annie liz says.  I'd add in that it is likely your friend, being a genuine friend, is keen to hear how you are getting on in your own life.  I have no doubt there are some people with cancer who want to hear that others are having a rubbish time of it (after all a bad person will always be a bad person, cancer or not), but I think most of us get great pleasure from hearing about the positive things going on in the lives of our loved ones.  Even on here it brings a huge smile to our faces when people who are awaiting diagnosis turn out to not have cancer, and that's strangers!

Annieliz's suggestion of music is a great one, as long as your friend is into music of course (I've met the odd person that truly isn't into any music).  But music is good because it evokes to many memories.  So music that means something to both of you would be a lovely, thoughtful gift.

And much as it will be hard for you, I totally understand her need to get her husband ready, I know that will be my predicament at some point, much as I won't want to cut anyone out.  It will be a really difficult one to balance as I have an identical twin too and I will need to prepare her also as it will undoubtedly be hardest for her in the long run.  So I really respect that you are giving your friend that space with her husband, although I would make absolutely sure that she does not want you to visit at all, just in case there's been any misunderstanding.  But if you are clear on that then what you are doing is tough but very kind.

One other suggestion is sending her an image of a place that means something to both of you or, even better maybe, a photo of you both together.  So that you are in a sense with her when she passes.  You can always ask her if she would be okay with that.  I know when I pass I will want photos of any loved ones that can't be there situated around me.

Really feel for you, I think cancer is far harder on those we leave behind :(

We're all here if you want to rant, vent, cry or even have a laugh (we do that quite a bit!)

LJxx