Hi Maxosc,

So sorry to hear of what you and your husband are going through.  Sadly even in the case of transplants that have been around for decades the medical profession are seeing new types of cancers arising.  My friend developed such a cancer after having a kidney transplant.

It's hard for any of us to know what your husband's medical team are trying to say, we can only give our best guess.  My best guess is along these lines...

Individual cancer cells cannot be detected, only tumours can.  So we can all, at any time, have cancer cells in our body hoping to set up home and create a tumour, and our bodies will fight to try and stop them managing to do that.  I am in a similar position to your husband in that my tumour has been cut out by a mastectomy and all my axillary lymph nodes (4 of which were cancerous) have been removed.  So in some ways I am 'cancer free', as I currently have no known tumour (albeit I haven't been scanned since May) but with my cancer being stage IIIB it is inevitable that some cells had already travelled beyond my lymph nodes into other parts of my body and are trying to find an organ in which to form a tumour.  There is the tiniest, tiniest chance that my lymph nodes captured them all, but the chance of that is incredibly slim.  I hold on to it regardless, while accepting that I am likely to have secondary breast cancer (secondary is where the cancer is still of breast tissue but it has moved to another part of the body) within the next few years and that secondary breast cancer is most commonly in untreatable locations.

So, as I say, I cannot know what your husband's doctor meant, by my suspicion is what I've just written.  They likely suspect (from experience of stage 4 cancer) that he still has individual cancer cells in the lining of his stomach just looking to create another tumour.

I am not retired (only 42, husband is 40) and I do need to keep working, but I would advise you to do what I am doing which is just to live life together and make it as good as it can be.  Ultimately any one of us could die in an accident tomorrow so it is important to live each day as if tomorrow is our last (although not financially obviously!!!!)

I realise my husband is in your position and he is finding it incredibly hard, I do think cancer is far worse for the people we are leaving behind.  For my part what I need to know is that my husband will be okay when I go.  I know he'll be desperately sad for some time and will need to grieve, but I need to know that he has a good support network around him, that he has friends that he will make the effort to see so he doesn't get lonely, I need to know that he will not ignore any medical symptoms (as men often do) and that he will see his GP if he is ill (currently I have to drag him).  I imagine your husband will have his own set of worries about how you will cope, but will have some comfort in the knowledge that you have adult children around to keep an eye on you and check you are okay.

This may not help, but I hope it does.  My Gran lost my Pops when she was only 70, my Aunt lost my Uncle when she was only 59.  Both were devastated obviously.  However, life does continue on and we end up having to sink or swim.  I mean my Gran had another 18 years, what would have been the point of being miserable for 18 years?  My Pops would never have wanted that for her.  My Aunt is still very well 18 years on from when she lost my Uncle.  He would have hated to think she would spend that time miserable.

I guess in the grieving process most people come to the realisation that they have to swim, there really is no other choice.  My Gran and my Aunt both did that, and while they still missed and loved their husbands, they gradually got on with life and had/have great lives, with lots of friends, lots of socialising etc.  It's very hard to see that when you are facing your worst nightmare but you will cope.  I guess what drives a lot of people to swim is the realisation that their spouse would want them to go on living life and making the most of it, and I see it as a good way to pay tribute to them and their zest for life.  And, for me anyway, it's important to keep their memory very much alive by talking about them.  I can honestly say I think about my Pops (he was very much my best friend) and my Gran (she passed some years back now but I had the pleasure of getting to know her as an adult and spent a lot of quality alone time with her) every day, not in a negative way, but good memories of good laughs we had.

Sorry it's a long one, and I really hope I haven't overstepped the mark, but I just wanted to stress that while losing him would be incredibly hard, you will go on to cope in time and you'll keep him alive in your memories and in chats with friends and family.

Make the most of your time together, as I say, none of us know when we'll go so live every day like it could be your last day together.

LJxx