Hi there ..

Just wondering why he doesn't take you with him ...

I he's either trying to protect you, and trying to cope on his own ... maybe a bit of denial ... but I'd feel a bit like you if his story keeps changing ... 

Has he got other close family, if so has he told them anything .. be good to get some other opinions on here ... so sorry you've been put in this position... it must feel like your in a right confused state ..

Chrissie x

hello Drwho

I have bladder cancer but never been told at what stage.

I had a bladder scope & ct scan to confirm.

I do hope all turns out well for you both.

big hug x

Hello Drwho

I`m so sorry to hear about your husband. I have been diagnosed with bowel cancer early on this year - was really lucky that someone have had checked on me as I`m 32 and way under age line for bowel cancer - it was a shock to everyone including my doctor.

For me it started with emergency surgery where this has been removed. When I have met with Surgical Nurse I had no clue of which stage cancer was - she didn`t know any answer on my questions - which stage if lymph nodes were affected - nothing - I was so angry - for 4 days I was waiting for an appointment with my oncologist who said exactly what stage that was and if we have a plan for me to live until 100 years old :) 

Did your husband already spoke with his doctor - maybe he didn`t get clear information or information didn`t get to his head clearly... The moment when you finding out is hard to get on your own and it`s important that you do have someone next to you to filter all infromation. 

I do have 4 years old son who started Primary School this year and it was very hard (still is) to look at him thinking I might not get until his Primary school graduation. 

I would suggest to get your husband out for a weekend break clear your mind and have some moment for both of you without kids around. It will be easier to get him talk more (just an idea). 

I wish you all the best and believe you will get through it as a family with beautiful happy ending :) 

Good luck 

It’s always such a massive shock getting diagnosed and people deal with it in different ways. Perhaps in his mind he’s trying to protect you. I got angry too. It was a sort of self defence mechanism and a reflection of the sheer fear I was going through. 

Worth saying too that staging information is not always available at the outset. Stage is an assessment of whether the cancer has spread and to where. This often seems to get confused with grade, which is a measure of how fast growing/aggressive the cancer is. 

Initial pathology investigations may give info on grade but stage requires more info gathered from tissue removed during surgery and/or further scans. Hence for me personally I have not received much stage info yet even though I’m a couple of months post diagnosis.

As I’m learning it can all change anyway as the picture is constantly evolving and more becomes known with each new investigation or test. Therefore, although it’s easier said than done, it’s best not to fixate too much on grade or stage and just take each step as it comes. 

I think all you can do is let him know you’re there for him and give him chance to open up.

xx

Hello Chrissie

He refuses to take me with him and let me see any correspondence from the hospital.

I don't know who else he has told.

When he first told me, his words were "I've got bowel cancer and that  it was 8cm I am going to be operated on in a couple of days" he went on to say "I have life insurance so have made sure that you and children will be ok after I've gone".

Then he told me that he had a telephone consultation scheduled to discuss what was going to happen.  After he had that convesation he then told me the tests had come back and it was confirmed he had bowel cancer and that he had to attend an appointment with the doctors a week later.

After he had the face to face he then reported that the cancer was in the lower bowel which was 4cm and also found a pollup near close to the anus as well, plus they had found something in the liver.  He went on to say that they are going to remove the tumour 31st October and mark the pollup at the same time followed by 6 months chemo.  I asked him about the liver and he said, depending on how the chemo goes they will operate on the liver at the end of 2019.

He plans to tell the children tomorrow that he is dying of cancer.  I am beside myself because I don't want him to tell the children if there is any chance of hope. 

I asked him if he will need colonostrophy bag and he said no. 

I understand that he is frightened and angry but not knowing the full facts is distressing.

All I can think about is how my children are going to cope with his news.  I don't want him to tell them at this point because to me it is not clear.

Thank you reet75

Hello 86Mai86

Thank you for your response.  I am sorry to learn about your experience with cancer and I do pray that you and your family will be ok.

My husband refuses to discuss it in detail.  He just shouts, "I've got cancer what don't you understand!". 

Hello Mrsfingers

I am sorry for your experience with cancer and I do hope you and yours will be ok.

The information you have given is really helpful so maybe after he has had the operation he may disclose more information.  I thought that because he has told me he has cancer in the liver too that it would be staged but now I see from your own experience that may not be the case.

Thank you

Hi there ...

Well I must admit, I've never been so confused ... why he tells you lots yet hides letters, and why he doesn't take you with him on appointments ... I know cancer effects us all differently .. but I'm a tad worried .. esp for you .. you must feel like your in a maze and can't find the way out ...

I took myself off for a day or two, and get all my emotion out .. when mine was a grade three, I felt like I had weeks if I was lucky ... and made all plans for when I passed ... so I can imagine he may be in that mode now ... and keeping things to himself will make those feelings overwhelming in his head ..

But sharing and getting vertual boxing gloves on and getting in this boxing ring of ours ready to punch cancer right back really helps .. but he needs to let you right in ... my family sure got me through .. and here I am 15 months later, and feeling really strong and I'm kicking cancers butt every step of the way .. because I let loved ones walk with me .. 

I don't know how old your kids are, it makes so much difference.. in how and what you tell them .. it can make the difference in how they cope .. my 5 year old granddaughter at the time, I thought I may not have long, I prepaired her GENTLY .. saying I was having an operation as my boob was very poorly, and the Dr was going to TRY to make nanny better .. and we've always said that bright star was my mum looking down on us, and when she asked me if I was going to die, I said if I did I'd be that little star next to my mum's so I could look down every night to see how she is ... she was happy with gentle honesty ..

But the older ones knew I had cancer, and I was gonna do my best .. and because I'd gotten so strong , they were fine .. but it helps when everyone is on the same page ...

Lastly tell your hubby, there's some of our lovely regulars on here that had really bad prognosis.. and have pushed pass those and here years later still kicking cancers butt.. and helping others ... the one thing a lot of us have in common is finding an inner strength to take every day and make the most of it, whatever the day brings ... so hold on in there .. find out how best to let your kids in .. ask advice from McMillan who have a free phone ... a lot depends about their age ... and hubby really needs to have a chat with them about his feelings .. and talking to a stranger is sometimes easier ..

Let us know how you go ... big hug to you ... I think you deff need one ..  Chrissie

Hi [@Drwho]‍ 

Unfortunately it’s like peeling an onion this cancer business. You don’t get all the info on day one and it’s a case of gradually building the picture - and things can always change with any new procedure as more detail is gathered. 

Having said this, your husband has already seems to have indicated that his cancer has spread as it’s in the liver too. Once a cancer has spread from the primary site to another place, it is usually considered to be treatable but not curable, which may be the message your husband is trying to get across.

I really feel for you; it’s such a difficult time especially for those around the patient. There are so many unknowns and it’s hard to deal with that. Especially if you feel you’re not being given all the information. 

One good piece of advice I’ve taken from this site is to take things one day at a time. It’s a bit of a cliche but i definitely find myself living more in the present and savouring what I have today rather than worrying about the past or thinking too far into the future. 

Xx