Hi,  

Mrsfingers, you summed up exactly how I was feeling before it was all confirmed - I had my 1st major breakdown after leaving the hospital for the recall appointment - had another mammogram, ultrasound and 3 samples taken, 2 from the lump and one from my lymph gland - and then the meeting with my Breast care nurse I think I had already guessed that this was more than just a "lump".  Then 2 weeks ago when I got the confirmation I just carried on as normal whereas like you said, everyone who said "oh, it will be fine, will be nothing to worry about" took it worse that I had just taken it.  Different story 3 days later when it hit me like a smack in the face and then my mind went into overdrive again, it's like I just can't shut my mind off, I then feel guilty for feeling the way I am feeling, especially as they seem confident it has been caught early and that either surgery or tablet treatment will work, but I just can't shut off the negative thoughts and keep asking myself if this is normal, what is normal when you have just been told you have breast cancer.  I know people are trying to help when they say "Oh well, it all sounds relatively straight forward and that they think they have caught it early and can treat it" I am sure that is exactly what I would say and probably have at some point in the past to someone, but, I still have the C word.  Even getting mixed emotions from family, one daughter just broke down and sobbed, other daughter doesn't even appear to want to  talk to me or mention it, and my 2 sons have also not mentioned it or talked to me about it and as for hubby, he says he is devastated and concerned for me, but I can't get anything out of him about how he is feeling, all he says is concerned and worried for me, but at the end of the day, this doesn't just affect me, it affects the whole family.

Sorry, I have totally gone off on a tangent here but there is so much inside that I feel needs to come out but can't talk to family as worried about upsetting them.   Guess this is all just completly normal in how we are feeling. xxxx

Bless you [@Dee64]‍ I could have written this post myself.

So many people said variations of "at least they caught it early". I've no idea how they came to that conclusion as it wasn't even true. My cancer is slow growing and therefore been there a long time, which is a horrible thought. "I'm glad it can all be sorted out" was another comment. You can easily be cured was the undertone. Hmm, please phone my oncologist to let them know the good news!

Some family members talk to me openly. Others have actively avoided me. I've found I have to make the first move to make them feel comfortable talking to me. Often it feels like I'm the one giving them therapy and telling them it'll be OK. Madness!

I even had an argument with my husband the other night as he was telling me how I should be feeling. "You must be positive, otherwise you've given up" was the gist. It was a red rag to a bull, I tell you. I told him in no uncertain terms not to tell me how I should be feeling. How can I be all sweetness and positivity when faced with a life-threatening illness. How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot for goodness sake?!

But it's difficult isn't it? Nobody really gets it unless they've been through it themselves. That's why I love this forum. No judgements. We're all in the same boat. x

I like the "You must be positive" no one has let me down as yet with that one lol

I think the worst and most insensitive comment to date was from a male line manager at work - whilst waiting for the results I was even more of a head mess, and I was dreading going in to work and having to try and act normally, and whilst I was waiting to go in, he saw me standing outside and came to ask if I was ok, I got a bit teary explaining things to him and he then asked where the cancer was, so I said my left breast, and that I was worried about how much they might need to take out and whether it would look different etc etc, and his response was ..........................wait for it................................."Oh well, it's not like your in your 20's and need them anymore" !!!!!!!!! my mouth hit the floor, I could not believe what I had just heard, so I then asked him if situation was reversed and he needed to have some of his man hood removed, it wouldn't matter because you he was now in his 40's and didn't need it anymore, that was different though.

xx

 I think I would have reported him -   There is no cure for stupid! Xx

Whaat??!!!

I think you’ve just won the most insensitive comment award.

Wow.

Just wow...

Hi Dee,

Please don't worry about how you are feeling. This is perfectly norma,l regardless of early detection. Cancer does affect the entire family, not just the patient and people respond differently to the diagnosis. You have seen this in the way your own family members have reacted to your news.

I sincerely hope that when you are a little further down the line, their responses will change. A lot depends upon how you deal with surgery and treatment. If you have a fairly positive outlook, which should be the case if you've found it early, you will find that they will be more accepting of it and talk to you more about it. If you are negative about it and keep complaining about it, this drives people away.

My two both reacted very differently, but have now come round to a stage where I can discuss it totally impartially, as if I was discussing someone else altogether. Your husband is likely feeling pretty shell-shocked at this news and is still at the stage of denial. Many partners are like this initially but I'm sure that he'll come around.

You might find it helpful to involve your husband and/or some of your children in drawing up a list of questions for your consultant. They will all bring something to the table when you do this. I always take my hubby with me to my appointments along with 2 sets of questions. While I ask the questions, he writes down the answers. It is so much easier for all the family when you can discuss everything freely and openly.

Don't forget that we are always here for you whenever you want advice, information or even to vent. It is often so much easier to speak to strangers here, who know exactly what you are going through, rather than upsetting family members. There's nothing that we haen't heard before.

Please stay in touch and let us know how you get on.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Quick update on my treatment. Round one of chemo (FEC) done 2 days ago. Aside from some initial zombie like, dizzy feelings and a thick head which passed after drinking lots of water, I’ve actually felt pretty fine and normal. Maybe a little more tired and I’m not sleeping well (possibly due to the steroids which finish today). I’ve even managed to get out for a short walk and make some chicken soup, carve pumpkins and put up all the Halloween decorations.

Having read so many horror stories of chemo I was really expecting the worst so thought I’d post this in case it helps anyone else.

I appreciate its early days so things could and probably will change. Anyway, it’s very welcome for now...

I haven’t updated this for a while but having had no sleep at all tonight (cheers steroids!) there’s no time like the present.

fec chemo went well overrall with minimal side effects. I’m hoping for the same with T but this lack of sleep isn’t a good omen...I’m going to ask for sleeping pills today.

Worse than my treatment though is the way family members seem to be dropping like flies. It’s like a game of medical top trumps. “I see your breast cancer and I raise you!”. One heart attack (Dad); one kidney infection/overnight trip to A&E at Christmas  (mum); then like a boomerang she went back in over new year with suspected a) meningitis or b) bc recurrence. Fan bloomin tastic... Not the start to the new year you want. Thankfully tests didn’t reveal anything sinister but it raised some pretty awkward questions about who was going to nurse all the invalids. I live at the opposite end of the country to my parents. So does my brother. We both have small children at school to deal with. I’d go in a heartbeat but I’m in the middle of chemo and I’ve been neutropenic every cycle to the point where chemo has almost been delayed each time. Should I need to go into hospital with a fever I’m more hindrance than help. My mum should in theory be looking after my dad as his heart bypass op is expected imminently and he’s on all sorts of blood thinners meanwhile and not 100%. Now mums turned patient though, dad’s looking after her! If she doesn’t recover in time he’ll have to cancel his op.

In desperation I’ve even suggested sending my husband to look after my parents. It’s a laughable idea as he has a terrible bedside manner. (Won’t bring you a glass of water in bed. Lots of eye rolling and talk of malingering). Though at least he can cook a slap up meal, whereas my dad can’t even boil an egg. So swings and roundabouts. Beggars and choosers.

Ah well, a bit of a ramble and slightly off topic. I blame you steroids!!

HI Mrs Fingers,

Many thanks for your update. I'm delighted to see that FEC Chemo went fairly well for you and hope that the T goes the same way.

Your parents certainly seem to be trumping you health-wise. It can't be easy dealing with this along with your chemo and, with your parents being at the other end of the country. I'm glad to hear that your mum's tests didn't show up anything untoward. I understand your concern about your dad, as my husband had a quadruple by-pass 10 years ago and is now suffering from heart failure.

Your dad will need care when he comes out of hospital after his surgery. If it is so difficult for you and your brother to look after your parents, would it help to get carers in? We had carers in 4 times a day, a hospital bed, build up drinks, pads and a number of disability aids provided by the local council. This was for my mother-in-law, who didn't have cancer, but had heart valve problems. We were put in touch with a social worker and she was able to arrange all this over the space of one weekend.

I hope that you managed to get some sleeping tablets today and more importantly, that they do the trick  for you.

I am thinking of you all and hope that this 'medical chaos' begins to settle down again.

Please let us know how you get on. As you know, we are always here for you.

Thinking of you all and praying for a good recovery for all 3 of you.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx